AITA for telling my husband when he’s adding to my mental load?

A Reddit user opened up about a conflict with their husband regarding the mental load of managing household tasks. Struggling with AuDHD, the user tries to minimize stress by delegating responsibilities, but a recent interaction about preparing dinner led to a heated argument. Is the user in the wrong for addressing how their husband’s actions are impacting their mental well-being? Read the full story below to learn more.

‘ AITA for telling my husband when he’s adding to my mental load?’

My husband, (33M) and I (33F) have been married 7 years, together for 9 and have a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy together. I have AuDHD and am trying really hard to eliminate anything that adds to the mental load associated with motherhood and general organising of the household as I tend to get overstimulated easily. Hubby and I have talked about the mental load but he never quite understands it…..

I was out grabbing stuff for dinner and texted him to put some water on for pasta and chop some stuff up, which he did. I got home and put some pasta on and when it was ready he took it off. The pasta was for him and the 2 kids (I’m coeliac so had different stuff). He asked if he should cool some down for the kids as they were getting restless,I said yes.

He asked how much, I said whatever you think. He showed me and said “so that much?” I said a little bit more, but then I decided that was a good example of adding to my mental load by asking a question he really should have known the answer to.

So I told him that questions like that add to the mental load and we have both known the kids the same amount of time and should roughly know how much they’re likely to eat so he should be able to figure out how much pasta to set aside.

He immediately got defensive and said it was just a question and I should have just answered it, then he went to sulk on the couch. I said I was sorry and I was just trying to communicate my point of view to him and he said there’s no point in him helping if he can’t ask me anything.. Am I the a**hole??

Check out how the community responded:

jazzeroox −  NTA. It’s bloody frustrating! Little tip that may help your partner understand the mental load convo… I describe my brain to my fiancé as a browser with 100s of tabs open. Every job opens up a new tab in my head and they’re weighted equally (strange how brains work). A pile of dirty dishes will open up a ‘dishes’ tab, so him washing up but not drying / putting away doesn’t do a huge deal for me. My tab is still open and it’s still adding to the million other things going on in my mind.

Explaining it this way has helped him to understand how wild my brain can be and how to help me ‘close down my tabs’ (by completing a job). For me, I’d rather he completed one job than did parts of multiple jobs. This may help you too, as your husband constantly asking you little questions means it would likely be easier for you to get up and do the job yourself!

AlwaysAnotherSide −  NTA but I’ll make a suggestion: don’t give him the answer. Just say “whatever you think” or “I trust your judgment” and if he chooses something slightly different to you but still acceptable, leave it. Disengage mentality. He has got it.

Own_Adhesiveness6026 −  I use the phrase “please use your own brain and not mine”.

AnythingGoesBy2014 −  He’s not able to make a pasta dinner for the kids by himself w\o guidance? He acts as if he’s ten and not adult. This behaviour has a name, it is so common.

WatchingTellyNow −  Add a reply to your arsenal: “What do you think?” If he answers with what he thinks, then say, “well do that, then.”. Every. Time. If he does something wrong, then that’s down to him, and he can do whatever he needs to do to fix it. Obviously if he’s about to do something dangerous (like dishing up boiling hot dinner to small children) you should stop him, *but stop him with a question.

“Do you think that dinner might be a bit hot for Little Johnny?” (make him think about what’s happening) rather than, “You need to wait for the dinner to cool down before you give it to Little Johnny.” (giving him a direct instruction where he doesn’t have to think).. He might eventually get the idea. If he protests, you can say that you’ll contribute with an opinion but he needs to have an opinion first.. And obviously NTA.

Grandmas_Cozy −  NTA- my favorite responses to these shenanigans are 1. Whatever is fine. 2. Please just take care of it thanks. And if that doesn’t work- 3. I’m not playing these games f**king figure it out and leave me the f**k alone.

Positive-Scholar-234 −  Stop telling him what to do. Don’t tell him to make dinner for the kids. He’s an adult. He’s a father. He should know that his children get hungry around dinner time and that it’s his responsibility to feed them. I’m not trying to blame you or shame you, but you are enabling him. Don’t call your husband to remind him to feed the kids. Has he ever called you to remind you to feed the kids? Probably not.

Euphoric-Weekend-423 −  NTA. “Helping” and “doing” are two very different concepts he needs to understand.. (Edited for grammar).

Euphoric_Sock4049 −  Next time you’re doing something, ask him every single step for confirmation. He will only get it if you treat him the same way. That’s how emotionally stunted people work.

Halle24 −  YNTA. Let him sulk. You are communicating fine instead of blowing up on him.. Let him sulk and think it over.