AITA for telling my husband we have different priorities than his 30th birthday?
A Redditor shares a difficult moment with her husband regarding his expectations for his 30th birthday. While she tried to make the day special despite struggling with morning sickness during her pregnancy, her husband was disappointed when she explained that the celebration was smaller than he had hoped.
Feeling overwhelmed by her current situation and the effort she had already put into a prior gathering, she called him selfish. Now, she’s questioning whether her response was justified. Read the original story below.
‘ AITA for telling my husband we have different priorities than his 30th birthday?’
I am upset and think my husband is being s**fish right now. I 32F am married to Alex 30M. I am currently three months pregnant and this pregnancy has been really hard on me. In the past I have miscarried so we are keeping this pregnancy a secret until ~4 months and will not tell friends and family until then.
I have awful morning sickness that has let up in the past month, and as I can’t tell anyone it has been hard, but Alex has really supported me in this time.
Alex’s 30th birthday was Wednesday and I invited close family and friends over and got catering from his favourite restaurant.
I can’t cook huge volumes of food for guests or be up on my feet very long and made sure the party was short by throwing it on Sunday, so people would leave early for work the next day. The party for me was tiring and while I wanted to be there for Alex, I was glad when everyone left as I just wanted to go to bed.
The morning after Alex said he has fun and I thought that was the end of it. For his actual birthday on Wednesday, I made him a cake and got him a birthday present. He seemed disappointed and when I asked why he asked me if this was it.
I was confused and he said he assumed I was throwing him a big surprise birthday as I knew how much celebrating his 30th meant to him. I told him no his party was what happened on Sunday and that I have been too sick and tired to plan anything bigger.
That party alone was a huge effort for me, especially coordinating what worked for everyone else, which happened to be the Sunday and worked out best for me. I got upset called him s**fish and have avoided him ever since. He is upset as for my 30th he planned a big celebration and even invited my college friend from another country.
I obviously appreciated his effort and that was the best birthday anyone has ever planned for me, but that’s isn’t possible for me to do for him with my pregnant and I told him we have different priorities now and he said that the baby wasn’t even here yet.
Alex has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th, but with my pregnancy and him seeing how it affects me day to day, I thought he would be more understanding of the effort I did make and be more aware of what is possible for his birthday.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
aVerySpecialHunt − This is wild and like almost every f**king couples related situation on here comes down to lack of proper communication. You knew what he wanted and knew you couldn’t provide it for him right now, so why did you wait for the day and why were you surprised he was disappointed?
All you needed to do is say in advance “Alex I know it’s your big birthday that you have always wanted a huge celebration for and I’m really sorry but I just can’t right now. But, I promise that we’ll make 31 the new 30.” Or something like that.
Daniboi1977 − YTA, but not because you didn’t plan and throw a big bash. You should have talked with him about it, especially knowing how important it was for him. He sees how bad you’re feeling, but may have took the lack of communication as a sign that you were planning something.
That’s a big assumption on my part, but it’s something to consider. \*\*\*edited to add (because it’s important: He’s not off the hook. He absolutely should have known how bad you’re feeling and checked in about it, at least 🙂
Old_Inevitable8553 − People are really gonna downvote me for this, but yes, YTA. Mainly because you are being s**fish and inconsiderate. Because you’re doing everything based around what **you** want and what is convenient for **you**.
Short party and held on a day when people would leave early so you wouldn’t have to deal with them for long. Then just a cake and a present on the actual day. All done to what was best for you and no consideration to how it would make your husband feel on what was supposed to be his day.
I get that pregnancy can be hard. That you’re worried about a miscarriage. Which I can relate to because I have had several myself in the past. However, that doesn’t mean that the world revolves around what you want.
Other people’s needs/wants and feelings matter too. Only you’re refusing to acknowledge that. Instead opting for calling your husband s**fish when he expressed his disappointment and hurt. Feelings that are totally valid regardless of what anyone says.
BulbasaurRanch − “And worked out best for **me**”“I got upset and called **him s**fish**”. lol we sure he was the s**fish one in this story? Sounds like you got a great 30th and he put lots of effort into it, and….you just didn’t. I don’t place much emphasis on birthdays, but it appears he does and you knew that.
I’ve gotta go with YTA. Every time a pregnant lady post on this sub it’s always a “hard pregnancy”. It sounds like your going to milk ‘being pregnant’ for everything you have no interest in doing.
Interesting_Order_82 − YTA. You made some calls and ordered food from a restaurant. That’s it. You knew he wanted a big party and to be celebrated. You say he’s been supportive of you. Where is that same support back? This makes me sad for your husband.
DenizenKay − INFO: is there a reason you couldn’t ask his parents or closest friends for help with the planning? I know you’re not telling anyone you’re pregnant but couldn’t you have come up with an excuse and enlisted help to make a great bday happen for your hubby while also minimizing your own stress?
Competitive_Delay865 − YTA, you knew what he wanted, you knew when it was expected, where wad the communication before the weeks before the date?
He’s made it clear he wanted a big celebration, he got a short party (purposefully designed as such) and a cake.
You talk about how supportive he’s been, but you’ve been unable to sit down and talk to him like an adult about how things may be a struggle and how to approach the birthday with the new circumstances.
bookworm1398 − YTA. Just because it’s too much effort for you doesn’t mean he can’t have a big party. You could have asked one of his family to plan something for him. You could even have told him beforehand and let him plan his own party.
DivergingParallelism − YTA he planned a massive party for him 2 years ago and you knew he expected something big. You are only 3 months pregnant; the party should have been mostly planned before that (had you respected your husband’s wishes). Your entire focus is on yourself right now and most of his is also on you, he is not being s**fish by being upset he doesn’t get one day focusing on him
Cheap_Excitement3001 − YTA: How many times do we see stories of women being let down by there partners on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Works both ways. Life gets in the way sometimes, but you gotta communicate.
Was the user justified in expressing her feelings about her husband’s expectations for his birthday, or did she overreact in calling him selfish? How do you navigate celebrations during significant life changes? Share your thoughts below!
