AITA for telling my husband that I won’t punish my daughter for speaking another language in the house because it upsets his son?

A Reddit user (35F) shares a dilemma involving her daughter, Anya (11), and her stepson, Ben (11). Anya, who is from India, speaks Hindi as her first language, and sometimes slips into it when she gets excited. After Ben’s mother passed away, he moved in with the family full-time and expressed that he felt bad when Anya spoke Hindi because he couldn’t understand it.

In an attempt to ease Ben’s discomfort, Anya started making a conscious effort to speak only English. However, when Anya accidentally spoke Hindi again, her husband suggested punishing her until she stops. The mother is conflicted, as she feels punishing her daughter for speaking her native language would be unfair, especially when Anya is already trying to make an effort for Ben.

‘ AITA for telling my husband that I won’t punish my daughter for speaking another language in the house because it upsets his son?’

This is a s**tty situation but here we go. Me and my daughter, Anya, are from India. Our native language is Hindi. She 11 years old now. Her father died when she was 5 and I immigrated to states because everyone was trying to get me remarried to a 60 year old sleazebag because “oh no. How ever will a woman live or raise a child alone”.

I stated dating my now-husband when Anya was 6. He had a 5 year old son, Ben (50% custody). Me, Anya, Ben, Husband and Ben’s mum get along really well. The kids were very well adjusted and they were genuinely happy when we got married. Whenever tensions arose, we dealt with them patiently. Let’s just say after walking through the minefield of Indian family/drama, diffusing these toy bombs were very easy.

Anya has a habit of talking in Hindi when she gets really excited. Sometimes, while talking to me, she starts talking in Hindi without even realising it. This wasn’t a problem. If she does that while others are around, I would remind her and she would revert back to English. Few months ago, Ben’s mum passed away and he came to live with us full time. He has a room already and we put Ben into therapy immediately.

A week ago, Ben walked in when me and Anya were cooking and we were talking in Hindi and he started crying. He told me he is feeling bad that he can’t understand what we are saying. I hugged him and consoled him and assured him that we didn’t do it to exclude him purposefully. And then Anya started crying and apologised. The whole thing was just heartbreaking.

Since then, Anya has been making concious efforts to talk only in English and I can tell that it puts Ben at ease. Yesterday, however, she was frustrated and started lamenting about school work in Hindi to me. Me and Anya were in the living room and Ben and husband were in the kitchen and they heard it.

Later that night, my husband told me how he thinks we must start thinking about giving punishments whenever she speaks in Hindi unconsciously until Ben starts feeling better. I was horrified at this suggession. I have never pulled the “She is my daughter, not yours” card. But this is the hill I am willing to die on and use that card if necessary.

Whether he likes it or not, it’s her first language. Expecting her to always converse in her second language, even when she is feeling some extreme emotions is just cruel. Especially after she is genuinely making an effort to make Ben feel more comfortable. It’s almost like punishing for her heritage or for her being Indian.

Of course, this is a huge point of conflict between me and my husband. I think it’s unfair to do this to Anya, even temporarily. He thinks me and Anya are unnecessarily making feel Ben bad while he is mourning his mother, while we can try and prevent it. Both of us are conflicted here. Who is the a**hole here?

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  edit: NTA. Your husband is TA. Punishing somebody for unintentionally speaking their native language is absolutely abuse and will f**k up your daughter. A gentle reminder is all that is needed. If your husband presses this, please leave. Your daughter deserves better than to be abused for speaking her native tongue. If Ben is feeling so left out, he should be made to learn Hindi.

NumaNumaYayy −  NTA. I’m so sorry that he thinks you and Anya are doing this deliberately to make Ben upset- that’s totally deranged and wrong. I think it’s totally reasonable for you and Anya to talk in Hindi in another room of the house when you’re together.

You’re both making an effort to speak in English when Ben and your husband are around, but ultimately you also beed to have opportunities to feel connected to your roots and culture too! It could also be a fun bonding experience to help Ben learn Hindi. Why does your husband think that Anya is doing this in bad faith? I’m really confused. It’s a horrible conclusion to jump to.

BlueJay_NE −  NTA How about asking Ben whether he would be interested in learning Hindu? To me, that seems like a good compromise, rather than punishing a child for speaking in her native language.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Your daughter sounds like she’s being respectful and beyond for Ben which is incredibly sweet. She cannot help her emotions, what she can speak or where she is from and it’d be awful for her to lose her first language for never speaking it. Or worse feeling like she can’t express or be herself because Everytime she does, she gets punished for it.

What if Ben was involved in the language? He’d feel more incorporated maybe. He can learn a few terms and be involved too. I think if I was kid I would have loved that. Hell, as an adult I’d love that.

MsB0x −  NTA. Punishing her for a key part of her identity is an easy road to trauma – you’re right to stick to your position. I understand it must be difficult for your stepson at the moment, but a lot of these examples seem like conversations had when he wasn’t even nearby – he just overheard.

I don’t think punishing anybody is the way to go, but could he start getting some simple lessons in Hindi so he can feel more included? Maybe if he knows you want him to always feel included he’ll feel better. And he gets a new language which is great.

343427229486267 −  Let me get this straight: Your daughter is 11 and she is empathic enough to apologize and cry, when her *totally unproblematic behaviour* unfortunately triggers the grief of her step-brother? And your husband wants some sort of punishment instated for if and when she does so again?

First of, hats of to your daughter. It is a real sign of emotional maturity to see that even if you are not doing anything actually wrong, you are still causing someone pain – stopping and apologizing is the sort of behaviour you desperately wish for! You don’t impose punishments when she is already doing things exactly right!

Now, in a perfect world, you and her never trip up once and your stepsons grief is never triggered (at least while it is so fresh). But you don’t impose punishments to aim for perfection. You do it – if you have to – to guide problematic behaviour. To me, it sounds like the only thing your daughter needs is positive reinforcement for being empathic to her stepson.

I can see how your husband would want to strive towards that perfect world where his sons grief does not cause him pain, and you could perhaps do him a favour by telling him that it does not really exist. His son will be triggered, and it will hurt every damn time. But that is no reason to start punishing the people whose innocent behaviour is the accidental trigger. If he had his way, he might hope to prevent one or two such instances, but he will make his sons relationship to his stepsister awkward and completely ruin the very real empathy she has for him right now..

NTA: Your husband is being unreasonable and not doing anyone any favours. You are protecting your daughter, and setting a healthy example for your stepson that, yes – people should empathize and tread carefully, not no – triggering your grief is not a punishable offence. Your stepson is 5 (edit; 10) and hurting and that just plain sucks.. Your daughter sounds awesome.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Why does your daughter need to be punished? She is trying to accommodate, and has every right to speak in her native tongue. He is teaching his son that the world revolves around him. I feel bad for his kid losing his mom’s but everything that happens should not be taken as a slight to his feelings. It could be as simple as people giving the cue – “say that in English too because you are so excited and others want to join in your happiness”

foursevens −  NTA in the slightest, and your husband’s reaction is verging into red flag a**sive/controlling territory. Instead of trying to homogenize your culturally blended family, why not offer Ben (and his dad) Hindi lessons so Ben can see you’re making an effort to include him, and he and Anya have something to do together?

EmmaMillie −  Please please please let your little girl continue to speak, learn and love her first language.

zipityquick −  NTA. It’s her first language, and it’s going to be easier for her to express herself using it. Punishing her for using the language she is comfortable with is wrong. It sounds like she is trying her best to make Ben comfortable, and IMO Ben needs to be given a lesson in acceptance of a different culture.

For what it’s worth, I grew up in a family of blended cultures. My maternal grandmother speaks Spanish only, meaning many conversations happening were in Spanish, which my dad doesn’t speak. He’s Indian, and speaks to his family members in Telegu often, which the rest of my immediate family doesn’t understand. Somehow we all got along just fine, no restrictions on what languages were spoken.