AITA for telling my husband that his culture is garbage and I won’t “compromise” by incorporating it into our family life?

A woman explains that her husband, originally from the deep South, was raised with certain cultural expectations about gender roles that have now caused tension in their relationship. At a recent picnic with his father and friend, they teased him for doing “her job” by parenting their child, while also criticizing her for not serving him food.

Later, the husband scolded her for not embracing his Southern culture, claiming that traditional gender roles are a significant part of it. When he expressed resentment over having to share chores and childcare equally, she responded by calling Southern culture “garbage,” citing her own negative experiences with its exclusivity.

Now, her husband is angry, accusing her of being intolerant and disrespectful toward his cultural background.

‘ AITA for telling my husband that his culture is garbage and I won’t “compromise” by incorporating it into our family life?’

My husband and I live in the US northeast, where I am from. “John” moved here for work several years ago, from the deep south of the US where he grew up, raised with Christian holidays but never attending church. Coincidentally, shortly before everything hit, John’s parents AND his childhood best friend “Dan” and his wife decided to move here as well.

This past weekend was the first that us three couples have gathered together since any of us moved here; we had a “distanced picnic” at our house. John sat down 2-3 minutes after I did, as he was settling our kid into his pen in the yard with us.

Dan and my FIL immediately started to “jokingly” rip on him for being “whipped” and doing “my” job of parenting our child while he was supposed to be “allowed” to just catch up with the two other men. I was trying to politely deflect when it turned to how “mean” I was for not “fixing him a plate” and serving him before serving myself.

(If I thought a certain dish would run out before he got to it, or if he had asked me to, I of course would have!) Dan and FIL continued to brag about how their families “do it right”, where they handle the “outside chores” while their wives handle the “inside chores” (including the care of Dan and his wife’s two children).

I think it’s important to note here that both currently live in rented condos that by their nature do not have “outdoor chores”, and **both their wives have always worked full time, as I do**. The whole day was kind of wrecked by that start, and I was frustrated when John left with Dan and FIL to “go for a walk” and left me to do all the clean up alone while also looking after our kid.

I expected John to apologize when he returned hours later, but instead HE got at ME for “making \[him\] look bad” in front of his friend and dad. He brought up how “a traditional division of labor” is “a huge part of southern culture”, and how I was being “disrespectful” to his background by “forcing northern culture” onto him and his family.

He said he’s been building up a lot of “resentment” the past few months that I “make” him do half the chores and childcare, since in his “culture”, women do the chores and hands-on childcare, and men do the fun parenting, the discipline, mow the grass, and bring in the cars for oil changes when needed.

I was stunned but honest and told him southern culture is garbage. It’s bigotry. I lived in John’s home state for 8 years, and I saw how “southern hospitality” is reserved only for those in your in-group. Deviate from the norm–be queer, non-Christian, a POC, a liberal, a non-traditional woman–and they turn on you viciously. Does every single person act like that always?

No. But it’s the culture. John is livid and says his “culture” is just as valid as that of other global regions, religions, and ethnic groups, so I am the bigot by not “compromising” with him here and incorporating aspects of his culture into our family life the way I would if his “culture” was “Islamic or Asian or whatnot”.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

edengonedark −  NTA.. **F**k that.** John better knock that sexist s**t off, or he’ll be a single father soon.. (*Right?*) Edit: thanks for the awards, friends. 🙂 Stay safe!

[Reddit User] −  NTA. This isn’t culture – this is a group of men who think treating women as servants is appropriate. F**k that.

ExamRoom4 −  NTA. Misogyny is not culture.

matsun2389 −  NTA. Also love how most of these men don’t even make enough money to support their family so their wives have to work AND still carry the heavier load at home.

mimiuniverse −  NTA. I live in the southern bible belt, have for more than half my life. My husband is from here, and his family has been from here for several generations. We both cook, we both clean, we both take care of the kids. His parents were the same way. What he wants is not southern culture. It’s just misogyny and being an a**hole.

VanillaFam −  Wow, Dan and your FIL really got into his head. NTA . You married and had kids with him with the agreement you are partners, not you being a slave to his every need and spoon feeding him.

If he wants someone to fix him a plate and clean up after him and do any form of actualy day to day work, tell him to hire a maid/ au pair because you arent a slave and are e**itled to just as much respect and relaxation as him. Also, the southern culture his is wanting is called sexism

lesthemess2 −  N. T. A. I’m from the south, and my mom is from the DEEP south (aka GA.) My mom (age 78) was raised where the girls did inside chores to the point that the girls had to clean their brothers’ rooms. She hated it. I hate it for her.

What these men are calling “culture” is actually an antiquated way of living from when the “men folk” worked outside on the farm from dusk til dawn and had zero time to cook or clean. Unless your husband spends his entire day out plowing the north 40, he can grow up and help around the house…. and with his own kid!

hamhockmom −  NTA. I hate when men only want “traditional” roles when it benefits them.

haydenryan214 −  NTA. When I read culture I was like “who says that to their spouse?” And then I kept reading. F**k that. That is not culture. That’s some sexist s**t pretending to be culture.

yamamotosdragon −  John is a massive p**ck. So you’re supposed to raise the child yourself? Why the f**k did he have kids? I’m a southerner and that s**t wouldn’t fly…. and he’s a pussy for allowing his family to manipulate him that way. Just saying. NTA

Balancing personal values with a partner’s cultural background can be difficult—especially when those values clash. Was the wife justified in standing firm against what she sees as outdated gender roles, or was she too harsh in dismissing her husband’s cultural identity? How can they move forward while staying true to themselves? Let us know what you think!