AITA for telling my husband it’s not fair he went all out for a co-workers secret Santa but made me pick my own bday gift?

A Redditor reflects on their husband’s gift-giving habits, feeling hurt that he put significant effort into a Secret Santa gift for a co-worker but left them to pick out and order their own birthday gift. When they voiced their feelings, he brushed it off, saying the Secret Santa exchange is a workplace tradition and not a big deal. Now, the Redditor wonders if they were wrong to bring it up. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my husband it’s not fair he went all out for a co-workers secret Santa but made me pick my own bday gift?’

My 30 F husband 32 M has always been a great gift-giver, but in the past few years he has not nearly put in as much effort. We’ve been together 10 years. One birthday he gave me custom engraved necklaces of our dogs and I loved it. This year for my birthday he asked what I wanted (which i hate) but I ended up picking out my own bag and ordered it myself.

Now on to the part that makes me upset… at his job he works with all women, and he is their boss. They are doing secret Santa for Christmas and he got matched with a girl who loves to read and is into fantasy genres like dragons and magic.

He bought her probably 7 different dragon themed little gifts and trinkets (tapestry, glass dragon egg, a little journal, etc….). none of them were super expensive, so if that was all it was I wouldn’t have thought twice about it but he also crafted a hand made a mosaic of a bunch of diffent dragons that he stenciled on from images he found online.

It looks great and he’s super talented with things like that, but I can’t help but be jealous and think “why can’t he do something like that for me?” He spent hours on it and worked on it every night for a week.

One of the gifts arrived in the mail yesterday and I said “is this another gift for her?” he said yes so I said “I feel like you’re going over the top and its a little unfair i had to pick my own gift for my birthday when you did all this for her” He replied saying everyone goes over the top for the gift exchanges and it’s not that deep… and that was the end of it.

Also, I think part of it is he feels like it’s a competition on who gives the best gift, because at previous exchanges there has been a clear “winner” who gave the best gift. He seems standoffish and short with me ever since we’ve had the conversation. Am I the a**hole for brining it up?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

SeaworthinessBig8083 −  May I suggest an up front conversation with your husband… “Hun, we need to talk about your actions and the signal they are sending to me, whether you mean it or not. Over our past you have picked meaningful gifts, it wasn’t about the money spent, but showing that you took the time, you understood me, and you wanted to surprise me with something personal and meaningful.

However lately like my birthday, the signal you sent was, I can’t be bothered just pick something and buy it for yourself. Now I watch you spend a lot of your time and effort on another women. Spending a week making her something with your own hands and researching and buying multiple gifts for her.

This isn’t about spending money or even getting gifts for someone else. It is about the fact that your actions and time are telling me you care more about her than you do me. Has our marriage grown to a point that we are just coasting or because we are together neither of us should try or care any more?

Because I am honestly hurt to watch you spend your evenings crafting something for her and watching gift after gift arrive for another women, when you spent once sentence on me “buy something you want”. How do you think I feel? This hurts and makes me question the state of our marriage honestly.”

Honestly I might even dig a bit more, before the conversation something like. “Hey hun, how does this secret Santa work? Do you organize it as the manager?”. “Oh you do, how do you all pick who gets who?”

Not saying this is happening, but a lot of the effort and excitement for him, especially as her boss, makes me wonder if he intentionally picked someone as his person that he was interested in. Because I would be asking, did he do this last year, why the change in his pattern / behavior?

Dlraetz1 −  FYI-the last Secret Santa my office did was full of gift cards and booze. Not hand made mosaics

Chilling_Storm −  NTA and that is inappropriate as her superior. He is crossing the boundaries. And not to mention that he is putting way more thought into pleasing her rather than pleasing you. Has he started shopping for your christmas gifts?

AsparagusWTweak −  I mean, how can you expect YOUR HUSBAND, to put any time, effort and consideration into YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT when he’s clearly far too busy making sure his coworker gets the most thoughtful little dragon themed love package possible. NTA.

Sounds as though you’ve hit a nerve because he’s being standoffish. Meaning, there’s clearly a nerve to hit. His Christmas gift/gifts to you this year better be f**king spectacularly thoughtful. You’re not even asking for much, just something caring and thoughtful. 

schmeebus −  NTA, a gift like that crosses the limits of how a boss should be treating an employee, especially for a work secret Santa. It could just be their tradition when it comes to their secret Santa, but if he’s willing to put that effort into an employee he should absolutely at least put in more than the bare minimum to you if he’s truly that passionate about gift giving.

ExistenceRaisin −  NTA. That’s a lot of effort to go to for a co-worker. If it’s the thought that counts then it shows he’s spending a whole lot more time thinking about her, instead of you

GoreGoddezz −  NTA. Most offices the boss isn’t even included in secret Santa bc of favoritism issues. Also… Why is he so concerned with her happiness and not yours? Id be asking some hard questions and doing a little digging.

littlebitfunny21 −  Watch Love Actually. A man buys one of his employees a piece of jewelry for her christmas present and buys his wife a CD. I think you’ll relate to the wife. (Although at least in the movie, the guy got his wife a present. Your husband couldn’t even be bothered doing that…)

Vxing404 −  NTA. But I want to focus on the SS aspect…. these things are normally limited to one item or have a dollar limit, usually no more than $25 to avoid situations like this. Imagine Colleague A opening all these special interest pricey gifts and then Colleague B gets a bag of socks and a cheap candy bar. I have been a part of an SS where there was daily gifting into a stocking on their desk, but this also had a total gifting dollar limit.

Maleficent_Secret247 −  Your husband is probably screwing his coworker. He apparently thinks more of her than you.

Was the Redditor right to express their feelings about the disparity in effort, or should they have let it slide given the context of the Secret Santa? How would you feel in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!