AITA for telling my husband I’m done with his “help” around the house?

A woman (31F) expressed frustration over her husband’s (34M) poorly executed “help” with household chores, which often causes more work or damage. Despite attempts to guide him, he dismisses her advice and accuses her of being controlling.

After an embarrassing incident where he misplaced personal items while “tidying,” she told him to stop helping if he couldn’t do it properly. Her husband is upset, claiming she’s ungrateful. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my husband I’m done with his “help” around the house?’

My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for eight years and married for five. We both work full-time, so we’ve always split household chores. But here’s the thing: his version of “helping” is a nightmare. For example, I’ll ask him to “help” with laundry.

He’ll agree, but instead of sorting things like delicates or checking pockets, he just throws everything into the washer on one setting. This has ruined clothes and stained things beyond repair. Same thing happens in the kitchen.

He “helps” by making a mess while cooking, but he leaves everything piled up in the sink, and somehow manages to dirty *every* dish and pan. I’ve tried teaching him, suggesting easier ways, even leaving little checklists, but he always says he “knows what he’s doing” and dismisses my advice.

I end up spending double the time either fixing what he did or doing things over from scratch. And whenever I bring it up, he says he’s “trying his best” or accuses me of being too picky and controlling. This came to a head recently when he “helped” me by cleaning up our living room right before my friends came over.

I thought he’d done a great job—until one of my friends found my birth control pills in the *junk drawer* because he decided to “tidy” by throwing everything into random places. I was embarrassed, but when I told him, he laughed it off.

So, last night I told him I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself if he’s not willing to do things properly. He got upset, saying he’s just trying to make things easier for me and now I’m “criticizing him for helping.” Now he’s barely speaking to me, and I’m feeling conflicted.

AITA for telling my husband to stop “helping” if he can’t do things right?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

yeahlikewhatever −  As others have said, this is weaponized incompetence. His goal was never to ‘help’ but to frustrate you to the point that you just do it yourself and he no longer is obligated to contribute.

There are a few ways to handle this, but my suggestion would be that since he wants to help ‘his way’, you let him handle things on his own. But only things that effect him. Don’t do his laundry. He refuses to separate things or wash them on proper settings?

Then you wash your own clothes and he can sort out his laundry on his own. He dirties every pot and pan in the house when he makes dinner? Then you have separate meals that you are responsible for cooking and cleaning up after. He surely lived on his own at some point, correct?

What did he do when he was on his own— wear ruined and stained clothes, and wash every pot and pan every night after dinner? I bet he didn’t. He’s doing things like this now because he has you. When things start effecting him directly, and you aren’t coming in behind him to fix it, I bet he’ll stop being so helpless.

iwantaponytoo −  DON’T let him off so easily. Sit down and discuss every aspect of a chore- in writing if neccessary- so there can be no misunderstaning of what’s expected, or “I’m only trying to help” whining.

Weaponised incompetence is a great way of getting out of work- **don’t fall for the purpose of it**\- “you do it so badly so I’ll do everything” crap. Y T A to yourself if you let him get away with it

Consistent-Leopard71 −  NTA. However, you did exactly what he wanted. His strategy was weaponized incompetence. He intentionally did a bad job, until you stopped asking him to ~~help~~ do his part as a member of your household.

Sensiplastic −  That does not sound like a man who can find your c**toris.

Customisable_Salt −  YTA to yourself if you allow yourself to be played like this. This was exactly what he was aiming for and you shouldn’t let him away with such blatant disrespect and manipulation. 

bigpawsOH −  Alright, looks like I am not overreacting after all. I’ll talk to him today and will stop doing his part of chores, i won’t care anymore

No_Noise_5733 −  Tell him since his help just results in more work, he can pay for a cleaner.

Expert_Slip7543 −  How does this man hold a job – is he this incompetent at work? Or only at home? NTA but I suspect that you’re getting played by him.

3dgemaster −  Why was your friend going through your drawers? And unless that friend is 12, why is bc embarrassing?
I agree with others though, seems like weaponized incompetence.

Inside_Garden6464 −  I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself. I bet this is exactly what he wants to achieve. It is called weaponized incompetence. And: NTA. But don’t give in by doing all the chores.

Is she right to insist on higher standards for shared chores? Or is her husband’s frustration justified? Share your thoughts below!