AITA for telling my husband I won’t attend his family’s events anymore?

A Reddit user (29F) shares her struggles with her husband’s (31M) family, who often exclude and criticize her during family gatherings. After a particularly humiliating experience where her husband failed to defend her, she decided she could no longer attend their events unless the situation changed. This decision, however, has caused tension in her marriage. Read the full story below to understand her perspective and the challenges she’s facing!

‘ AITA for telling my husband I won’t attend his family’s events anymore?’

I (29F) have been married to my husband (31M) for three years. From the start, we agreed to support each other in family matters, whether it’s attending events, helping with their needs, or just being present. I’ve always made an effort to show up for his family, even when it wasn’t convenient for me. However, over time, I’ve noticed that his family doesn’t treat me well.

Whenever we visit, I feel excluded. His mom constantly makes passive-aggressive comments about how I run our household, while his sister never misses an opportunity to criticize my career choices. The rest of his family mostly ignores me, talking over me during conversations or acting as though I don’t exist. It’s exhausting, but I’ve always kept my composure for the sake of keeping peace and showing support for my husband.

Recently, things hit a breaking point. At his mother’s birthday dinner, she made a joke about how my husband “married down” and how he must miss the “freedom” he had before we got married. Everyone at the table laughed, and my husband stayed silent. I waited for him to defend me, but he didn’t say a word. I felt humiliated. On the drive home, I brought it up, and he shrugged it off, saying his mom “didn’t mean it that way” and that I shouldn’t take things so personally.

After that, I told him I couldn’t keep doing this. I explained how hurt I felt every time we visited his family and how his lack of support made it worse. I told him I wouldn’t attend any more of his family’s events unless things changed. He was upset and said I was being disrespectful to his family and putting him in an awkward position. He argued that family is important to him, and my refusal to go would cause unnecessary conflict.

Now he’s giving me the cold shoulder, and I’m starting to wonder if I was too harsh. I love my husband, but I can’t keep subjecting myself to this treatment. AITA for telling my husband I won’t attend his family’s events anymore?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA
Your husband is completely wrong not to speak up and defend you. His mother’s comment about him “marrying down” is totally unacceptable. You’re not “disrespecting” them by establishing boundaries. THEY are disrespecting YOU by treating you like you’re somehow beneath them. Your husband is an a**hole, raised by assholes. Sorry YOU married down, into a classless bunch of jerks.

phisigtheduck −  Family can be important to you while still standing up for the person you love. Please buy a shiny new spine for him, I hear there’s some great deals on them for Black Friday.

hip_hop_sweetheart −  NTA – Sounds like you married down and could do better.

KaetzenOrkester −  Do not have children with this man (if it’s not too late). Ask yourself why you’re married to him. Is your MIL really the grandmother you want for your children? Because the s**tty comments won’t stop once you have a child and your husband will allow his family to run down the mother of his children. I realize we only get a snapshot of a relationship on AITA, but what you’ve described is an extinction-level lack of support, IMO.. NTA.

lurninandlurkin −  NTA But your husband is. According to his logic, his mother being disrespectful isnt disrespect, him not standing up for you isn’t disrespectful, but you refusing to put yourself in a s**tty situation anymore is.

AnnaRPsub −  So the pushover married the pushover and now you hit your breaking point but your pushover of a husband can’t find his balls or his spine to put a stop to this.

1. You should’ve adressed this from the start. Everyone acts nice around everyone or he gets with the program and tells his family to back down.
2. He needs to choose between protecting his wife or keeping the peace while sacrificing his family’s well being.

3. You need to start setting boundaries with them and him. He clearly won’t stand up for you unless you put him in the middle. And either he needs to be in the middle as it’s his family or he gets with the program that he no longer has any say in the house. Not to sound like a feminist, because I’m a devoted wife and will act the total opposite of what I am advising you to do. But by god someone needs to grow a pair in your household.. 4. Set time limits for yourself.

5. Set your goals and expectations. If he doesn’t meet them have your plans ready. If you’re comfortable living in a relationship where you will for the rest of your life have to stand up for yourself because your husband won’t protect you that’s your call. But you need to figure out how far you are willing to go. This was my ted talk. Hope it helps. If you want a normal and open conversation my DM’s and chats are open.

ReleaseTheBlacken −  So why are you married to this spineless l**er who stands up to you but cowers to them?

_s1m0n_s3z −  Husband didn’t react because he routinely hears way worse from them about you when you’re not present, so he didn’t even notice.

CuriousTiktaalik −  NTA. It’s right to feel wronged when people are mean to you. And your husband shouldn’t be letting it happen. Some families are just like this, and your husband may have serious issues too.
He may not want you to rock the boat.

Deo14 −  So you’re not important to him despite being his family or are you not his family? And you can be disrespected and that’s ok? I’m so sorry your husband is such an ass. If he doesn’t stop this nonsense don’t go, and don’t let him blow smoke up your ass about who’s responsible here. NTA.