AITA for telling my husband I will move back in once my stepdaughter and her family move out.

When blending families, establishing boundaries can be a delicate dance, and sometimes, those boundaries come at a steep personal cost. In this case, I agreed to help my husband by letting his daughter Trudi and her family live in my apartment—a decision made with the best intentions to support everyone during a challenging time. However, what initially seemed like a generous offer soon turned sour as their extended stay transformed my property into a chaotic mess.

Over time, the clutter and disarray took a toll on my well-being and sense of home. Frustrated by the continual lack of consideration and support from both Trudi’s side and my husband, I decided to move out. I made it clear: I would only return if Trudi and her family vacated the apartment, reclaiming my personal sanctuary. This bold decision has sparked controversy and heated debates among my family members, leaving me to wonder if I’m truly the a**hole in this tangled family dynamic.

‘AITA for telling my husband I will move back in once my stepdaughter and her family move out.’

I married my husband when his daughter, Trudi, was 22, she is now 36. He was 47 and I was 32. I have two kids, 20 and 18 now. Both are away at college. Trudi never liked me and that was fine. She has a mother and she was a full adult living on her own when we met. Her parents had been divorced for six years when I met her father.

We live in a city with lots of tourism so it was an easy decision to keep my apartment and do short term rentals when my kids and I moved in with my husband. We also use it for out of town guests. Trudi and her husband ran into some financial problems last year. Trudi and her family of four moved in with us.

We agreed that after the holidays I would stop taking reservations for my apartment and they could move in there. They would sign a lease and we would “rent” it to them without collecting rent so they could build up rental history and money. Trudi moved in last October. It was hell. She doesn’t help around the house and neither do her kids.

Her husband is working his ass off to get money together for them so he comes home exhausted. And he is more help than her or their kids. The three of them leave dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty laundry everywhere. The house is just a mess. I have spoken to all of them, including my husband about this. My son-in-law is the only one who makes an effort.

Trudi literally said that I live in her father’s house so I don’t get to tell her what to do. My husband did not back me up. So I moved out. My apartment is now empty since the holidays are over. I said I didn’t want them treating my property like they were treating my husband’s home. They are all mad at me for leaving and changing the plan.

She actually threatened to sue me since they have a signed lease. I told her to go ahead since I could prove that I never got the agreed upon deposit or first and last month’s rent. (Which we were going to “cover” to help them start over). I’ve been here for a week now and it is great. No noise, no mess, a much better commute for me to my work.

My husband has been spending a few nights a week here with me. He wants me to come home and give them the apartment like we agreed. I said I would do that if we went back to his house that minute and it was in good shape. Narrators voice over goes here “it was not”. It was disgusting. Like it smelled bad. It was like if five teenage boys were living there with no supervision.

She saw me looking around in disgust and said that it wasn’t her fault and that the mess was because they didn’t have their own living space. Yeah sure. I turned around and went back to my place. I offered to let my husband move in with me if he wants them to have their own space

He won’t because he is retired and likes where he is. So like I said they are all mad at me. My husband, Trudi, her kids. Trudi’s husband is the only one who understands my position. I will no longer agree to let them in my apartment at I will also only move back once they leave.

Family therapist Dr. Melissa Hartman emphasizes that in blended family living situations, establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial for long-term emotional well-being and healthy relationships. In this specific case, where an apartment was generously offered to support a family in financial distress, the decision to allow Trudi and her family to move in without proper contributions or adherence to house rules ultimately disrupted the harmony of the home.

Dr. Hartman explains, “When one party consistently fails to meet their responsibilities in a shared living space, it not only creates physical clutter but also emotional strain. Both partners must enforce agreed-upon standards to ensure that personal space remains respected.” Her insight underlines that the act of moving out isn’t about rejecting family support; rather, it’s a necessary step to reclaim a personal sanctuary that is being compromised by persistent neglect.

She further points out that situations like these often escalate because clear expectations were never firmly established or upheld. By choosing to move back only once Trudi and her family vacate the apartment, you’re asserting that mutual respect and shared responsibility are non-negotiable. “It’s important,” Dr. Hartman adds, “for each member of a blended family to understand that supporting one another does not mean sacrificing your own well-being.

Boundaries exist to protect individual autonomy and to promote healthier dynamics.” In this context, your decision serves as a protective measure to restore order and respect in your living space, setting a precedent that the home will only be shared when all parties honor the agreed-upon responsibilities.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Many redditors agree that setting boundaries in a shared living situation is crucial, especially when one side repeatedly fails to contribute to the household’s upkeep. Commenters widely condemned Trudi’s family for their neglect and supported the decision to reclaim personal space.

They also criticized the husband for not enforcing clear rules, with many advising that if he continues to allow the mess, he’s enabling the behavior. The overall sentiment is that while family support is important, it should never come at the cost of one’s own home and peace of mind.

[Reddit User] −  My husband has been spending a few nights a week here with me. No. If you want him to take this seriously and deal with them, that has to stop. I offered to let my husband move in with me. Again, No. His lack of firmness, his failure to back you up, that is what created this mess. He doesn’t get to use your sanctuary to evade that. Stop giving him this getaway. Make him live in the squalour that he is enabling. Oh and NTA of course. And equally of course you’d be insane to let them trash your place.

monsterseatmonsters −  NTA – Did you really need to ask? 😂 You’re so obviously in the right here! It was so generous of you to offer your apartment in the first place. Then she was untidy and rude in your own home. And that BS about it being her dad’s home? Hmm. Did she not process that under the same logic, the apartment is your home? 😂. Sorry, but no no no.

I get that divorced or remarried dads often have a bit of a guilt complex around their kids, especially daughters. But he’s already doing all that he can. You can’t expect to stay with people long term and be a burden on them with chores and housekeeping. It seems the son in law totally understands the situation.

I wonder if your husband can talk to your son in law about it. You could also show your husband the responses you inevitably get here.
As a side note, I don’t think son in law will stick around together with such a mismatch in how much work they do and general manners. He deserves better, too.

Successful_Bath1200 −  NTA. Your Husband is going to need to be given an ultimatum, you or them, and stop letting him sleep over, you are letting him get away from it. Make sure you are not paying any of the bills for your Husbands s**t hole, tell him you won’t move back till they have gone and the whole place has been professionally deep cleaned (He is paying for that)! Q. who actually owns the house? if you are part owner you should be able to evict them!

Adorable-Substance21 −  By you continuing to give your husband a break from the dumpster that he’s currently living with he’s not going to get angry enough to create change. He gets to keep his daughter happy, and he still has you when he wants you. Why would he change at that point? There’s no incentive to change at all.

NTA but you aren’t being firm enough in your response your husband clearly doesn’t understand that he’s allowing not only you home to be disrespected, but he’s allowing YOU to be disrespected. That’s not ok. Why would you want to go back to that environment at all? I won’t say divorce – but therapy could be a very good option

proud_didi −  Forgot to add, OP, get your locks changed and stop allowing your husband entry. Take pictures of your apartment, video of everything working. This includes appliances, microwave, fridge, tv etc. The a/c and heat, and thermostat. Running water and flushing toilets. Anything and everything you can think of.

You can’t guarantee that while you are at work they might sneak in for a ‘break’, or once you move back with your husband, they take over your apt, flash their lease and claim tenant’s rights if you try to kick them out. Edit: That she was so ready to yank that lease out to sue you for access, is enough proof to not ever trust her, and always be on guard.

proud_didi −  NTA. Trudy needs to be very careful If the home SMELLS, even if there are a few feet between homes, neighbors will likely smell it if they have to walk past your home. she needs to be aware that neighbors will not like them bringing the property value down, and if they know kids are in the home ‘someone’ could anonymously call CPS and say the children are in peril.

If CPS shows up and can smell the home, and they are not allowed in, they have cause to contact police. If they refuse police entry, police can actually force their way in, if they also smell the filth, and believe the children are in danger. There are always emergency circumstances where police do not need a warrant, especially when small children or at risk residents are involved.

Trudy has stated that she is staying in HER FATHER’S HOME, and he approved this and did not tell her that it was YOUR HOME. Leave him to his home, and you stay in yours. Go back to pick up a few things, and take pictures while you are there. You can say it’s just to compare it to the ‘clean’ version you wish to return to.

This will come in handy if CPS approaches you, in case Trudy makes some silly statement that the home condition is recent and due to some unexpected circumstance, then the timestamps on the pics will prove her lie. It will also help if you and your husband get the marriage counseling you desperately need, if he tries to downplay the living conditions.

If she blames your husband, then they will demand she find alternate housing, such as a different relative, or a shelter. OR that she clean the home for a very close follow up inspection. whatever you do, good luck getting your life back together.

[Reddit User] −  Given her “I’ll sue” mentality, I’d advise him to have his lawyer serve them with formal eviction papers.. NTA

MerlinBiggs −  NTA. But don’t let husband stay any more. Let him put up with all the mess until he finally realises he needs to do something about his own daughter.

Trevena_Ice −  NTA. Yeah you should help family, but they don’t act like they are your family. The opposite, Trudi shows you, that she very much not plan on seeing you as part of the family, so why should you give up your place, an additional income for them to live like that? And by the sound of it, they would trash your place at well. So you would have to pay for renovation after not getting any rent from them.. NTA. Stand by your point.

Swiss_Miss_77 −  NTA and thank god you didnt go through with letting them in. Cause they were NEVER going to pay anything and they were NEVER going to willingly leave and they were going to destroy the place.

In conclusion, reclaiming your personal space in a blended family isn’t just about physical cleanliness—it’s about preserving your well-being and dignity. By insisting that you move back only once Trudi and her family leave, you’re setting a clear boundary and sending a message that respect for your property and personal life is non-negotiable.

This situation opens up an important discussion about how far one should go to support family at the expense of self-respect. What do you think—how should couples manage shared living spaces when extended family dynamics get complicated? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.