AITA for telling my husband he is an unsupportive j**k about me losing my brother?

A Reddit user shares a story about the grief they’ve been experiencing after the sudden loss of their brother. A year after the loss, they came across a post that reminded them of a fun Christmas tradition with their sibling. When they expressed sadness to their husband, asking for emotional support, he dismissed it and told them to smile. In response, they yelled at him, accusing him of being unsupportive.

Now, they are questioning if their reaction was too harsh or if their husband truly failed to offer the support they needed. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for telling my husband he is an unsupportive j**k about me losing my brother?’

Me 43F Him 52M for context I lost my little brother a little over a year ago to acute liver failure it was very sudden and I did not get to say goodbye. I was just contacted by the hospital telling me my brother had passed it happened so fast. So to say I’m still pretty upset and processing this loss of no longer having any siblings is fair.

On to the incident, I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across the post of someone showing a present from their sibling having been booby-trapped to nearly impossible to open. This was a competition me and my brother engaged in every Christmas each one trying to come up with the most unopenable present for the other, and seeing this post made me sad.

I showed my partner and told him this made me sad that we would no longer have this competition because I no longer had a brother and he told me that I should still smile because the picture was still funny to look at. I’m pretty sure his response makes him an **** but mine might also put me in that category because I blew up on him yelling why he couldn’t just be a supportive husband for once and acknowledge my sadness rather than expecting me to just smile.

He indicated that he was being supportive and that I shouldn’t go off on him. He then rolled over to ignore me and pretend like nothing was up. So was I the **** for yelling at my husband when he tried to Silverline my sadness?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

AlbanyBarbiedoll −  Can I vote NAH and ESH at the same time? I don’t even want to vote. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I think it hits harder when you lose someone you were close to and shared so many memories with. I lost a brother but I barely knew him, had no warm shared memories, etc. I’m sad his life was cut short but losing him isn’t really personal for me.

It might be helpful to a) apologize to your husband for the way you spoke to him, b) let him know HOW you want to be supported, and c) share with him that your grief is not just for the brother you lost but for your own role as a sibling and also for the friend your brother was to you. Did your husband have a close relationship with your brother? Does he have siblings of his own? I have noticed that people have a really hard time being truly empathetic if they haven’t had the experience themselves.

AdAccomplished6870 −  I think it is likely inaccurate to say that your husband is unsupportive. It is likely more accurate to say that you have exhausted your husband’s ability to be supportive. Grief is tough, but it is also tough for the people around the grieving, if they don’t see any healing occurring, and see the person just stuck in sadness.

And there is nothing they can do or say that won’t be taken harshly. After about the hundredth instance of the same conversation about how xxxxx reminds you of your yyyyyy, it gets hard to remain as supportive. In fact, saying that you should instead take joy from the remembrance is very supportive and healthy.

NAH. This isn’t an attack on you, but just trying to let you know that even supporting partners can be exhausted, that it is OK to move on from sadness, and that support does not always mean agreeing. You also would benefit greatly from grief counseling. Sudden loss like this, especially from someone that you do not expect to lose, is difficult to process without help

Which_Anteater_3509 −  YTA for yelling at him. you need to heal. these things will make you sad 100%. what he was meaning wasn’t to say f**k your feelings. but looking back on old things of a good time, it’s almost bittersweet memories. i think maybe that’s what he meant like..yes it’s sad your brother is no longer here but smile because it happened and you have those memories.

but i’m sorry as someone said you might’ve exhausted his supportive efforts in the way that you want. over a year ago and you want him to react as sad as you are it seems. if you want that ask. it was not his brother. it’s yours and you ask for the support you want at least in this case. it seems he was just trying to cheer you up.

RaisingMomma −  Having lost my only sibling – baby brother – to suicide in 2001, I can tell you with certainty that the grief never goes away but if you don’t find the sweetness in memories (as your husband was attempting to point out), you will NEVER be able to function. Your husband was not wrong – albeit a poor communicator. You however need to start therapy or some grief counseling.

Losing a sibling is a totally different thing to losing a parent or friend. I know that people will say “obviously”, but the pain is vastly different. I lost my dad, whom I adored, a year before and losing my brother was so so much harder on me. If you don’t do something to help your heart and mind, you will end up lost and alone – even if your husband stays with you. He sounds like a good man, who is trying clumsily to help you. Your anger at losing your brother (because yes that’s what it is) is misdirected. So…gentle YTA. Your brother would most certainly not want you to “live in the loss”.

Full_Pace7666 −  YTA. I don’t see anything wrong with what he said, it just wasn’t what you wanted to hear and rather than communicate how you’d rather be supported, you blew up on him.

Titan-lover −  YTA. Your husband was trying to be supportive. You’re looking to him to take away the grief and pain. That’s impossible. I suffered the loss of my youngest child this year when he was murdered. I understand loss. I also understand the only one that can heal is yourself. Please seek grief counseling. And stop putting the burden of your healing on your husband.

mlc885 −  NAH. You made a mistake because you still haven’t dealt with the recent loss, and he sort of misread your cues when he tried to be upbeat about a fun thing that continues to make you sad. He was hoping that you’d be able to see some happiness in this thing you enjoyed with your brother in the time you had together.

jennifer79t −  YTA. You blew up…. Maybe he wasn’t being supportive, but rather than have a calm conversation you blew up, so YTA. You probably need grief therapy to help you deal with your loss….but it sounds like couples therapy might be called for too.

ElGato6666 −  YTA. I mean, we’re only getting a single snapshot of your relationship, but in a vacuum his comment sounds like a “we’ll always have memories” thing, not, “why are you still obsessed with your dead brother?”

witchywhich10 −  I don’t see anything wrong with what your husband said. But that’s just me. I don’t think it was appropriate to blow up on him like that though. Have you talked to someone professionally about your grief? I lost my grandfather in the spring and it’s still hard especially for my grandmother. Bad days are expected but grief doesn’t give you an excuse to act that way.