AITA for telling my half-brother I won’t attend his wedding?
A Reddit user is conflicted about attending her half-brother Jay’s wedding, even though they share a mother. Having met him only a handful of times, she finds Jay distant and unapproachable, which makes the prospect of attending his wedding, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, uncomfortable.
Despite his fiancée’s warm encouragement, the Redditor shared her hesitations with Jay, who responded that their mother expects her there. Now, she’s wondering if she was wrong to consider skipping it. Read on for the full story.
‘ AITA for telling my half-brother I won’t attend his wedding?’
So I (18f) attend university in England, which is where my half-brother Jay (28m) lives. Pretty much, our mom (46f) is from Canada and she moved to England to be with his dad. When he was a kid, she went back to Canada to look over our grandma when she had some health issues.
And she never went back, she married my dad and pretty soon after I was born and then my younger brother. The thing is I barely know Jay, I’ve met him like four times and the whole time he’s been really cold and stoic to me, like a machine.
The most emotion I’ve seen out of him was when he saw a photo of my family at my place and he kind of let out a sad chuckle. His fiancée Sara is really nice and sweet and has been super kind to me but honestly, she’s so bubbly and extroverted and he’s a statue.
But even beyond how cold he is to me, I don’t know his family and I’m scared to be there as the sister nobody knows. So I told him that I’m not going and he told me that if I don’t want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara’s side and pretend I’m from there.
But I look just like my mom, so there’d be no point and everyone would know who I am. When I said that, he just said that mom expects me to be there so if I have an issue with it, I should get her permission not to go. AITA for saying I won’t go?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
InstructionTop4805 − NTA. Thank him for the invitation (most likely prompted by the fiancée) and wish them a wonderful wedding day. If you feel you need a reason, just state you’d be uncomfortable and as his family doesn’t know you at all you don’t want questions about your relationship to detract from his wedding day.
frankiesmile − So your mum abandoned him as a child and made a new family including you far away from him in Canada. Just think about that for a moment. Have you any concept of the emotional impact that had on him?
Please find some compassion for him. He probably needs time to get to know you before he can relax around you and be himself. NAH if u choose not to go, but a kind person, a kind half-sister would go. Speaking as someone with a much older half-brother. wasnt raised with.
LoveBeach8 − INFO. Let me get this straight: You don’t want to go because his personality is that of a statue? Is that right? And you don’t want to see your mom, either?. EDIT: YTA.
And I’m done here because you don’t want our comments because you already made up your mind before you posted then you’re arguing with anyone who tries to get you to see the other side.
grumbleGal − YTA, you seem really self-absorbed OP, like you haven’t even tried to talk to your brother and get his side of things, ask if he actually wants a relationship, or is he doing it solely for your mother.
Also, you’re not going to immediately feel at ease with each other, it takes time, but you’re just what about me, me, me. You have zero empathy for his childhood and assume just because they talk on the phone regularly, he doesn’t have any bad feelings about you or your mother.
Ask him to lunch and have a frank discussion, write him a letter expressing your feelings and asking him his, maybe just make an actual effort to understand his POV, and let go of the unrealistic fairytale dream. You’re an adult now, probably good to start acting like one.
Queen_Sized_Beauty − Please read these comments again, with an open mind, and look at how your replies are doing. You don’t have to go to his wedding, but please consider something. When he was young, his mother left, supposedly to look after her mother, and just never came back. Then she found a new man and made a new family – that he was not part of.
Please *really* try to put yourself in his shoes here. How would you feel if you were him? Your mom isn’t even going to his – *her son’s* wedding. Think about how *that* must feel. She abandoned him, made a new family, and new life, and now she won’t even go to *his wedding*. There’s a big possibility that he is wary of getting to know you because you remind him of her.
Maybe he’s worried that you’ll abandon him, too. Maybe it hurts him that you got to have a relationship with your mom, and he didn’t. None of this is your fault, but I guarantee he is hurting, and he’s trying to protect himself in some way or another.
You say that you have always wanted a relationship with him. If that’s really true, you’re going to need to do the heavy lifting here. You are going to need to prove to him that you want him in your life, and not going to his wedding is not going to help you with that..
This he told me that if I don’t want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara’s side and pretend I’m from there. Tells me that he thinks that you don’t want the public to know you are his sister. He thinks that you are ashamed of him. It also tells me that he *wants* you there. If he didn’t, he just would have accepted when you said you weren’t going.
RileysVoice − Have you ever thought that he is feeling the exact same way towards you, that you are cold towards him. The reason you have no relationship with him is because of BOTH of you, not just him.
I personally think YTA for not going to the wedding, because to me it just seems like another example of not giving a s**t about getting to know him. But ESH because you’re both adults. You need to converse and get to know each other and decide if you want a relationship as family or not.
Tough_Crazy_8362 − My older half siblings were abandoned by our mother, I cannot imagine having to cope with what feels like such a betrayal. I also feel a lot of guilt, being the one that wasn’t ever left behind intentionally (I was born after).
I wonder if that’s something you’ve processed or if pushing him away and calling him stoic is easier. You don’t sound malicious, but I think you do significantly lack empathy. This will be a door closed and there won’t be many windows left, either.. NAH, yet.
Honest-Sector-4558 − I think soft YTA because it just doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong with Jay. Why wouldn’t you go to this wedding? It’s not like he did anything to you, you just said he has a colder personality. That’s not really a reason to turn down an invite, and it seems like he and his fiancée have been perfectly kind to you.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that you don’t have to attend events and you can turn down any invites, but I guess I just feel like it’s going to cost you very little to attend and be supportive. Especially since it seems like you got along pretty well with his fiancée too.
Bn0503 − NAH – Because you don’t have to attend events you don’t want to but I feel really sorry for him. You said no one else from that side of the family including your Mum is going. So did she just leave him in England and go off and have another family? None of whom can be bothered to be supportive on one of the biggest days of his life? Is there a reason your Mum won’t be attending?
pineboxwaiting − QUESTION: You don’t want to go bc you’re afraid of his father’s family? I don’t understand the issue. You know your brother well enough to have these conversations with him. He wants you there. Your mom wants you there. You don’t want to go because…why?
Do you think the Redditor should attend to support her brother and mother, or is it reasonable to skip the event given their lack of closeness? Would you feel comfortable attending in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!
