AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy?

A Redditor shared a difficult situation with his girlfriend, who has been struggling with depression, especially after losing her job. As he manages work and tries to keep up with household chores, he grows frustrated with her lack of motivation, leading him to call her out for what he perceived as laziness. This confrontation, however, didn’t go as planned, leaving him questioning if he was too harsh or if he had a valid point. Read the full story below and weigh in.

‘ AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I(29) have always supported my girlfriend (23). We have been together for four years now, and lived together for one. She has always had anxiety, as well as depression where some months are worse than others. I have supported her through all of this, and understand it is very hard for her. In January she lost her job due to the current world circumstances.

By march she hit a low point with not eating as much, crying, irritability – typical traits of depression. I have comforted her as much as possible, and taken care of everything. However, at the beginning of June I was allowed back to work, and since the house has fallen to shambles. I am too tired by the time I come home to do anything, even cook. Most nights we order take out, and on the rare occasion she makes food.

The floors aren’t being washed, hoovering isn’t being done, laundry is a mountain, and dishes are everywhere. I try keep on top of it, but with work it is almost impossible. She is home…all day. She lies in bed till late afternoon, watches netflix, eats bowls of cereal, and naps. That’s about it.

I’ve tried to gently coax her to do more, and she says she will get to it but never does. I finally snapped, told her I was sick of her doing nothing all day and leaving the housework to me. That if she is here and I am working, she needs to be pulling her weight.

She got upset, and said that she wants to but she can never find the motivation . That she is tired all the time. I said I understood she was depressed, but it isn’t an excuse to do nothing and be lazy. No one likes housework, but I wont take any more excuses about it. She needs to start doing it or leave.

Next day I come home to a clean house and a note from her saying she was sorry, and is going to stay with her mother (her mom helped her clean before they left). I tried calling but she wouldn’t pick up. When I rang the house, her mother answered and had a lot to say.

She was furious. Telling me about how she is struggling and I am making her worse. That I should be supporting her not ignoring that she is in a bad place. And so on. I was told my gf had been crying all day in her bedroom, and I feel awful. I never wanted to hurt her, I just snapped. I tried to get her mother to give my gf the phone but she wouldn’t speak to me.

It feels like a lose – lose situation. On one hand I know depression results in lack of motivation and cleanliness. And on the other I can’t stand to see our home in such chaos. I’ve never had depression so I can’t say for sure how bad it truly is. That’s why I find it more difficult to 100% empathise.

AITA for telling her depression isn’t an excuse?. Extra info: – she has a therapist and talks regularly with them.
– her depression is worse since losing her job. Usually she is quite clean and tidy. We dont usually have this issue.
– she is looking for a job despite depression etc. I have enough money to support us both in the mean time.

Next update: https://aita.pics/Dvmma

See what others had to share with OP:

gigglymonstr −  NAH. I feel for both you and her. It’s not easy dealing with someone who has depression just as it’s not easy for that person to be dealing with the depression. It’s not fair on you to bear that emotionally and it’s not fair to her to have someone pushing her. I think you both need to reevaluate and probably take a break or just break up. She doesn’t seem ok to be in a relationship right now with what she’s dealing with.

Kushthulu_the_Dank −  Depression is a gluttonous beast. When it drains the primary victim to a barely functioning husk of a person, it gets hungry and starts to feed off the energy of those close to the victim. To keep this supply going, it manipulates the victim into as you said “lose-lose-lose” situations so it can stuff itself on the sadness and distress.

I have it. I hate it. I live with it. But it’s the hungriest hungry hippo for psychic distress and it manipulated the perfect situation to not only dig its primary victim deeper but to chip away at the support system until the main supporter lashes out in build-up frustration.

This isn’t a you vs her cleaning issue as much as it is the issue of everyone here (including her therapist from your comments) underestimated the depression. It is far more diabolical than people want to admit because it’s honestly terrifying.

Since the depression is so strong right now, personifying it can be helpful. It’s the 3rd player on the 4D emotional chess board here, manipulating pieces and moves so it can continue to feast merrily.
Practical advice: follow the other commenters’ advice to eat your crow while it’s fresh and apologize for snapping. It is unfair for you to carry the whole load indefinitely. But empathy and strategy will serve you better here than being right.

Go into this with no expectations beyond being able to give a heartfelt apology and say your piece. If things work out, great and I wish you both the best together. If not, then that’s truly unfortunate and I wish you both the best on your paths.

chaoticallywholesome −  NAH, coming from a girl who almost ruined her relationship because of her depression and anxiety, she needs to stop relying on you and gain some independence and she needs to figure out how to do that on her own.

I was relying on my boyfriend the first time we lived together, and I just never got better. We almost broke up but decided to instead no longer live together and basically start over. I moved into my mom’s while I looked for my own place, got a roomate, and I got better.

It’s not that way for everyone and it’s really really hard, but if shes relying on you, or anyone else for that matter, then she’ll just coast through her depression. Once it becomes a matter of survival she’ll have no choice but to handle it. For me once I started seeing my accomplishments with zero help, it built my confidence and independence and made me feel better. My boyfriend and I are now way happier than we’ve ever been in our relationship and are looking forward to our future together.

Awkward-Bee7498 −  NAH. When I was a toddler my mum had really severe depression that she was unable to take care of me and my brother. My dad was at work 5 days a week. My mums friend would be round during the day to take care of us and then my dad would come home from work, and spend evenings and weekends taking care of a 2 and 6 year old, cook dinner and clean the house. I’m sure it was tough on him but my mum wasn’t well and he did what he could.

My mum is the least lazy person I know. Depression can destroy you, that even getting out of bed can be too much, so cleaning is something she can’t manage yet. But, I get that you’re on the other side of it so it’s a difficulty for you.

esp-eclipse −  YTA. Depression isn’t some whimpy thing that you can yell at someone to get over. Dealing with depression or caring for someone with depression is no easy task in the slightest but if you care, these are the types of challenges you’ll have to slowly work through over possibly multiple years.

[Reddit User] −  NAH. Her mental state is valid, but so is the pressure it puts on you.

Elli_Khoraz −  NAH. Like you said it’s a lose-lose situation. Depression makes a person not feel able to do anything at all – it isn’t her fault that she feels the way she does. But equally you can’t physically or mentally keep up with everything by yourself. The best thing to do is to apologise for snapping, because that wasn’t the right call. I can understand finally loosing your cool, but it’s going to make her feel worse.

She is doing therapy which is good, but between you you need to talk more about how to manage your lives together. From everything you’ve said you’re a good person, just at the end of your rope. For what it’s worth, I also have depression and anxiety.

There are days when I can’t get out of bed – it isn’t a matter of being lazy, however much it might seem like it. It is a genuine imbalance in brain chemistry that impacts your daily life. Overall then, no one is an a**hole. Depression is the a**hole. If you need to talk more, my DMs are open.

lunarlandscapes −  YTA. I understand that you want the house to be clean, however you clearly do not understand depression. Ypu need to work with her to support her through this, not just tell her it isnt an excuse to be lazy. She knows that. She knows she needs to clean. But depression makes it so she cant necessarily do that. You should encourage her to talk to her therapist and doctor about a different course for her treatment

Chato_Jorge −  Seeing all the YTA comments really dissapointed me, she is a adult, she can’t just spend her day eating cereal, watching netflix and doing nothing, and while a lot people will deny this and probably downvote this, sometimes you got to just power through it, she is using her mental illness as an excuse to not do anything , op you sound like a great boyfriend, but also op should not expect too much from the girlfriend. NAH
OP:op is doing as much as he can, and yes the girlfriend should contribute but not a lot, op should talk more with her therapist and do healthy activities with her.
GF:while depression is very hard so cant just spend her day doing nothing, still though she shouldnt be forced to do much.The GF sounds very caring and ashamed of herself and I suggest op should consider being more careful with his words byt thats about it.

cuddlylettuce −  YTA He should have talked with her about it gently and helped her to do small things rather than get angry when she couldn’t do things on her own. It’s hard for both parties but it’s not cool for him to lash out at her for something she can’t control.