AITA for telling my girlfriend I’ll keep honoring my best friend’s dying wish even if it makes her uncomfortable?

A Redditor (M) is grappling with a conflict between honoring a dying wish from his late best friend and his girlfriend’s discomfort with the tradition. The Redditor had promised his best friend before she died that he would visit her on their “wedding anniversary” and wear her scrunchie as a remembrance.

Despite discussing this with his girlfriend before they started dating, she now finds the tradition uncomfortable and suggests he let it go. After a heated argument, he told her he would continue honoring his friend’s request, even if it made her uncomfortable. His girlfriend left angry and hasn’t returned home. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my girlfriend I’ll keep honoring my best friend’s dying wish even if it makes her uncomfortable?’

My late best friend and I knew each other since we were little. We were next-door neighbors and always played together. We even went to the same kindergarten, primary school and middle/high school together.

One day during our sophomore year, we started talking about how most of our classmates had started dating. We obviously weren’t okay with that and decided get one up on all of them by getting married. As a joke I made her a fake ring and she gave me her scrunchie.

A few weeks later, a drunk driver hit her. She sustained multiple injuries and was in the ICU for 2 months, the doctor told her family that her survival chances are slim. In the only time I talked to her before she died, she made me promise to always visit her on our “wedding anniversary” and to wear her scrunchie during the visit.

4 years ago when I started dating my girlfriend I told her about it and asked if she was okay with it. She commented about how sweet and nice the tradition was and told me she was perfectly fine with it.

Today was the 10th anniversary and I took the day off, before my girlfriend went to work she told me it’s time to put this tradition to rest and move on because it was starting to get pathetic that I still wear a dead girl scrunchie to celebrate a fake marriage that we had 10 years ago.

I was furious at her comments because she wasn’t just a “dead girl”. She was my best friend and like a sister to me, we grew up and did everything together. I told my girlfriend a long time ago that we never had a s**ual or romantic relationship and that our wedding was just a joke.

It’s not like I talk about her or keep her photos around the house or anything similar. The only times I’ve talked about her to my girlfriend is when I told her if she was okay with the tradition or if she asked me about her. When I told her that I’ll keep honoring my best friend’s dying wish even if it made her uncomfortable, she left for work angry at me and hasn’t came back home yet.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

amanda_mcnite −  NTA but if she’s been fine up until now then maybe she’s upset about something else? Like there’s been a feeling that the relationship has fallen into complacency, so she’s lashed out at a display of you showing something else as being meaningful?

Imaginary-Aioli −  NTA, and your girlfriend is being an absolute a**hole 🚩 Don’t feel bad about honoring your friend how you want to honor her, don’t doubt how you feel at all and if you’re girlfriend can’t understand that that’s her problem. I hope the support of Reddit will help you realize that you have done nothing wrong

GWeb1920 −  NAH. But don’t be held hostage by a promise for a fake marriage. Even real marriages are too death do us part. Celebrate your friends life the way you want in life because she is dead and does not care.

So if your remembrance of her brings you joy then find people that can share in that joy with you. I do wonder though if your friend were able to see you having a conflict in a relationship over this what would she want you to do. That’s something only you can answer.

I think that you haven’t talked through this with your girlfriend and their is obviously built up resentment and misunderstanding with her that discussion and conversation might fix. In the end so what’s important for yourself. And communicate those expectations to your GF and let the chips fall where they may.

Extension_Ad_972 −  NTA. There are valid reasons this might have suddenly started to make her more uncomfortable . You’ve been together 4 years, and maybe the reality of you having another “wedding anniversary” even if you were to get married is hitting her. I don’t know if you plan on getting married or if there’s any tension around the subject, but I can see how her feelings could have changed.

However, dealing with your discomfort by calling your partner “pathetic” is unacceptable in my opinion. It’s such a demeaning term. Instead of communicating how she felt and exploring why she had started feeling that way, she jumped to the conclusion that you must be doing something wrong, and therefore she should belittle you into stopping.

fmlwhateven −  INFO: Are there occasions/traditions/events where you also proactively remember and take the day off for your girlfriend? If your girlfriend feels appropriately (to her) celebrated or recognised compared to one day a year for your best friend, then I’d say she has no reason to feel threatened. But if not, then I could see why she might feel disregarded.

Your tradition *is* sweet, but the level of attachment I’d have as a new girlfriend would be much more lax. 4 years into a relationship, I’d know my partner much better, and love them much more. I’d be thinking about the long-term, and whether my partner is the right person to settle down with.

I wonder if she is finding it hard to see a future with you because she thinks you are too tethered to the past, and to a promise with someone who isn’t here anymore. People grieve differently, for sure, and visiting the grave of loved ones isn’t something that everyone does.

To her, maybe even visiting your friend’s grave on her death anniversary would’ve eventually been too much, but who knows? I think this is something you need to have a conversation about, because you are obviously not aligned in your expectations here.

Edit: I’m gonna say NTA, but I feel like there’s more to this.

chyaraskiss −  NAH. I’m gonna go against the grain here. Is it possible, that even though you say you don’t obsess over her, that you do? It could be that you focus on this anniversary, but not on the one you share with your girlfriend.

She could feel like the odd one out. Or the 3rd wheel in this relationship. Do you mark the occasion with anyone else or just yourself? It is possible that you’ve been observing in an unhealthy way. You could be downplaying what you do.

What are you going to do when the scrunchie falls apart? By observing this fake wedding, you’ve left a future partner nothing for them. Their wedding day will be nothing but an afterthought. It’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to move on and remember someone fondly.

This observation of a fake relationship (that isn’t like a sister, you don’t marry a sister). Isn’t healthy. You’ve left a future partner nothing that is for them. You don’t observe and mark an anniversary with an ex. You grow and move on and hopefully learn from the relationships.

You should be honoring your friend and remember the friend. Not the fake wedding. From the emotions of a young child. Who wouldn’t have understood the intricacies of adulthood.. You need therapy OP.

Pale-Pudding-9580 −  ESH. “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and he won’t propose. We’re in our late 20s/early 30s and I’m wondering how serious he is about me. He shows more commitment to an old friend of his who died 10 years ago. He was willing to fake marry her and he still does a lot for her anniversary. What I initially thought was a really sweet gesture, now shows what a difference in how he treats us. That makes me feel resentful and like I’m wasting my time with him.”

chyaraskiss −  I think the strangest thing about this situation, is that OP takes the day off to mark it.. It truly has become a ritual. How many people do we know that actively do this? 10yrs later.. If they do, context? I’d be wondering as a partner where I fit into this strange ritual. Or is this the day the living don’t exist?

ancientaliencontact −  NTA. Your girlfriend is being wildly insensitive & dismissive of a tribute you’ve made to your friend for a decade. That said, a time may come in your life where visiting your friend may not be possible, and that’s okay.

Your friend would have wanted you to have a(nother) wedding should you ever want one, to move to a place that makes you happy, to take a bucket list trip that happens to overlap your anniversary.

If you decide to carry the tradition for the rest of forever, that’s amazing, and if you don’t and you honor your friend’s memory in some other way, even just by living your fullest & most wonderful life, that’s amazing too. If your GF doesn’t apologize profusely and sincerely, she’s probably not part of your fullest & most wonderful life.

AutisticMuffin97 −  NTA but it seems like your current girlfriend really feels neglected in your current relationship, it seems like you haven’t entertained the thought on marrying her so she feels like she comes second to your life.

Yes the girl was your best friend but the fact is yes she is dead and you have a girlfriend that really loves you or else she wouldn’t be feeling the way she is feeling, grief never fully goes away but living in the present is also very important,

if you love your girlfriend make sure she knows or just end it if you feel like she isn’t the one rather than just stringing on a relationship because of you honoring a fake marriage with a dead best friend with making your girlfriend like she is worth your time I think it’s best to take a step back and reevaluate what is important in your life in the present time not the past.

I’m not saying completely forget your best friend but maybe light a candle and put the scrunchie in front of it rather than wearing it and going to a grave or bury the scrunchie at an at home cemetery if you have a yard? But definitely put more in your current relationship for sure. She’s alive and is begging for your attention right now by saying what’s she’s saying.

Do you think the user is justified in keeping his promise to his late best friend, or is his girlfriend’s discomfort reasonable given their relationship? Would you have handled the situation differently? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.