AITA for telling my friend her “quirky” behavior is just being rude?

A Reddit user (25F) shared a story about their friend Sarah (24F), who often displays “quirky” behavior but crosses the line into rudeness. Sarah frequently interrupts conversations, makes loud, awkward comments, and asks inappropriate questions, such as about open relationships or commenting on people’s appearance.

Despite the Redditor’s previous attempts to address the issue politely, Sarah brushes it off as part of her personality. After Sarah made a scene at a recent gathering by criticizing a friend’s haircut, the Redditor finally snapped and told her that her behavior wasn’t quirky but rude. Sarah was upset, and now the Redditor’s friend group is divided. For the full story, read below…

‘ AITA for telling my friend her “quirky” behavior is just being rude?’

I (25F) have a friend, let’s call her Sarah (24F), who’s always been kind of unique. She’s one of those people who prides herself on being “quirky” and “different”, and while I get that, sometimes it crosses a line into being rude or inconsiderate.

She will often interrupt people mid-conversation to share her “random” thoughts, even if it’s completely off-topic. She’s also really loud and makes awkward comments about personal things, like loudly asking a couple if they’ve “ever considered an open relationship” at a dinner party or commenting on someone’s weight without any filter.

I’ve talked to her about it in a nice way before, saying that sometimes it feels like she’s not really paying attention to the social dynamics or how others might feel, but she brushes it off with a “I’m just being myself, take it or leave it!”

This weekend, we were at a gathering, and she made a huge scene by loudly criticizing a mutual friend’s new haircut (it was a bad cut, but she didn’t need to say anything). I finally snapped and told her that she’s not quirky, she’s just being rude, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. She was really upset, said I was trying to suppress her personality and that I don’t appreciate her for who she is. Now, she’s ignoring me, and our friend group is divided.

AITA for calling her out, or should I have just let her continue with her quirky behavior?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

ThePhilV −  This girl sounds like just another version of “I’m brutally honest” people, but she wraps it up in a manic pixie dream girl persona, and honestly, those are two of the worst types of personalities I can imagine.

You’re definitely not the a**hole at all for calling her out for her behaviour, but she’s clearly not planning to change. You can’t “**let** her continue with her quirky behavior” because you’re not in charge of her. What you can do is either stop hanging out with her, or decide to continue calling her out when she’s being an a**hole (which she is).

If you choose to keep seeing her, though, I would recommend a change in approach. Don’t wait until you’re mad and then start yelling. Just kindly and gently point out when she’s being rude. She interrupted someone? Interrupt her immediately and say “Hey Sarah, I don’t think that John was finished yet. John, you were saying something about…” and redirect it back to him.

She asks a couple if they want an open relationship? Say “Oh…that was a strange thing to say. Anyway, John, you were saying…” She just wants attention with this behavior, and if you take it away from her, she’ll probably stop. To me, though, it sounds like a lot of work to keep spending time with this a**hole

4th_chakra −  People will use excuses to rationalize anything. “Oh, I’m not rude..I’m just \~\*quirky\*\~ ” No, sorry. That was rude. Your friend has to own her behavior, and realize it’s not only inappropriate, she’s offending people. Even if she continues to write it off as being “different”, she should still recognize the impact her words are having. You can be quirky, and still be socially aware.

We all have an inner dialogue. And we’re responsible to keep it in check. Impulsively blurting out anything, anywhere, can have really negative consequences..like you’ve seen. She’s lucky to have a person in her life to tell her the truth. She doesn’t have to *like* that truth, but at least you tried.. NTA.

tosser9212 −  “I’m just being myself, take it or leave it!”. Leave it. NTA.

DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA −  NTA. Sarah isn’t being “quirky” she is straight up being an AH. She made a huge scene by loudly criticizing a mutual friend’s new haircut. This is just being a straight-up AH. She brushes it off with a “I’m just being myself, take it or leave it!”

Her “being herself” will cause a lot of people to hate her and not be her friend. This is like someone saying a horrible thing to someone else and follows it up with “I’m just brutally honest”. Brutally honest is just being an a**hole without calling yourself an a**hole.

ButtonsSnapZipper −  The truth without kindness is brutality.. She’s not quirky. She’s mean. Also, what you told her was the “quirky” truth. Is she the only one who gets to be “honest”.. NTA.

imyourkidnotyourmom −  “I refuse to control myself in any way! Take it or leave it!”. So just leave it. You can even apologize for your comment. “I’m sorry friend, you’re right. I was wrong to ask you to behave yourself. This is who you are, take it or leave it. Who I am is someone who can’t be friends with someone who acts like you do. Best of luck with your life.” 

Also, wait and see how long the folks in your friend group find her antics charming.  She’s an edgy teenager in an adult body who knows she’s heaving poorly, but doesn’t want to stop. 

bundleofgrundle −  What do ya do with guys who make gross comments and excuse it as jokes? You ask them how it was funny and watch them sputter. Same with this chick, ask her how a specifically rude comment is quirky. How is laying into someone about their bad haircut quirky? Did Zoey Deschanel do it at some point in New Girl and that’s where you got the idea? NTA and avoid people like these. We operate in real life, not in a tumblr page.

SqueakyShoes117 −  Yikes, NTA. This is someone, if you’re able to since you’re part of a larger friend group, I would start leaving out the invite for. If she can’t behave in these settings, she has no business being there.

Square-Raspberry560 −  NTA, and I don’t understand how so many of these stories have “divided friend groups.” Who is defending her?? Your friend wants to be able to do what she wants without consequence, and is using “manic pixie quirky, I’m not like other people teehee” as a shield. . “It’s just who I am!” Cool, then who you are is a j**k and I have no social obligation to continue putting up with it. Go be yourself with someone else.

lordburnout −  She sounds like she has ADHD. And I’m saying this as someone who was diagnosed late, and was also previously called out like this by my own friends in my mid-20’s. I think it’s good that you still consider her a friend and that you can call her out on rude behaviour. ADHD isn’t an excuse of course, but she may not realise how her behaviour is affecting others. I started therapy in my late 20’s, and have since really worked on that “quirky” side of myself and I cringe thinking back on it.

I am still friends with that person who called me out, and I too, reacted badly back then. I’m just thankful she still saw the good in me to remain friends many years later, and we’re both older and much more aware of ourselves now in our 30’s. NTA, and I hope the friendship stays long enough for you to see growth in her.