AITA for telling my FIL that he’s a s**t father?

A Reddit user, 27 years old, reflects on a tense encounter with her father-in-law after running into him at a bar. She knows that her husband, Rowan, has a strained relationship with his father due to years of emotional abuse and neglect. When her father-in-law made a derogatory remark about Rowan, the user retorted by calling him a “sh*t father.” Afterward, she regrets her blunt response and wonders if she was out of line. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for telling my FIL that he’s a s**t father?’

So I (27F) knew my husband Rowan (29M) for a while before we even dated; we grew up in the same town and we were good friends through school, so I met a lot of his family etc when I was a kid. We lost contact for uni but then kind of talked again after and have evidently dated and got married.

When I was a kid I always kind of thought that Rowan’s dad was weird – I obviously didn’t have much context for it then – but I always thought it. His mum passed away when Rowan was young & he has one older brother (40M) but obviously the age gap meant that they weren’t very close for much of his childhood.

I know that when Rowan was a teen he acted out, drank a lot with his friends, got into fights, didn’t have good grades. I don’t doubt that he was a difficult kid to raise, but I always thought that he was a good person (and still do).

When we started dating he told me about the reasons behind him acting out – that his father was always drinking or out, that he constantly told Rowan that he wasn’t good enough, that he was a s**t son etc etc, accused him of sneaking out/unprotected s**/dr*gs, constantly tore apart his room looking for incriminating things. Rowan’s changed a lot now and is a genuinely down-to-earth guy that would help anyone that asked.

Him and his father don’t really speak anymore. This was mainly due to a huge argument they had when Rowan was about 18 and his dad said that his mum would be really disappointed in him if she was still alive, that he was never going to amount to anything. Rowan told me after that he packed his bags, stayed with a friend for a while and hasn’t particularly spoken to his dad ever again.

Rowan and I went back to the hometown this weekend to see my parents, and me and my mum went out to a bar for a catch up. I immediately recognised his dad because he has a bunch of tattoos of random things on his neck and whatnot that I remember looking at as a kid and he was standing next to me at the bar. We made eye contact and he looked surprised, and said something to the effect of ‘I heard you and Rowan got married. I’m surprised, he’s always been a skirt-chaser. Thank god he doesn’t speak to me anymore’.

I repeated the sentiment that I was glad they didn’t speak anymore but added that it was because he’d been a s**t father. He got very defensive, saying that Rowan had been difficult to raise and whatnot, and I just turned around and left to go and sit back down with my mum. I kind of pity him but I wish I’d just not even spoken to him and left it. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

4th_chakra −  He is a s**t father. That wasn’t an insult, just a statement of facts. TBH, in that moment when time and possible reflection could have softened his personality, he chose to do a double whammy by insulting you and his son. That whole encounter just underscored why Rowan’s walking away and going no contact with his a**sive father was one of the best moves of his life.. NTA.

Appropriate-Rise-759 −  NTA. It sounds like you’re navigating a really tricky situation with a lot of history and emotions involved, and you’re definitely not the a**hole here. In fact, it seems like you stood up for your husband in a way that was honest, while also being emotionally charged due to the past mistreatment he endured.

You didn’t lash out at his father without cause. You didn’t make a big scene—you just responded honestly. His father had made a comment about Rowan being a “skirt-chaser,” which, considering the history between them, is a fairly insulting thing to say. It sounds like you didn’t get hostile, just blunt, and sometimes that’s the best response when someone tries to belittle your partner.

It’s easy to second-guess yourself, especially after interactions like this, but you were simply reacting to someone who has been emotionally damaging to your partner. Given the context of Rowan’s past, his father’s comment was likely triggering, and you acted in a way that felt protective of your husband.

In the grand scheme of things, you didn’t go out of your way to escalate things—you just responded to a provocation. If anything, I think you were pretty restrained, especially considering the amount of unresolved hurt Rowan likely still feels. So no, you’re definitely not the a**hole. It’s perfectly understandable to feel the way you did and express it, especially when you’ve seen how much damage his dad caused.

SushiGuacDNA −  NTA. He provoked you. It would take a better person than me to keep quiet. In retrospect, there might have been better responses, but you are definitely not the a**hole for fighting back when attacked.
I’m so glad your husband recovered from that a**hole.

TemptingPenguin369 −  NTA, but I would have gotten great joy at saying, “I’m sorry; I don’t believe I know you.”

Zealousideal-Car7738 −  NTA Not at all! Badmouthing his son even now, to his wife, shows he has no interest in a connection between them whatsoever. And it seems your husband doesn’t have one either. So why not tell him your thoughts.

Petefriend86 −  NTA. Honestly, the better move is a simple “Who are you?” but you earn no AH points for quipping back.

Im-Vincible −  Hey he can unprompted and spoke disrespectfully about your husband. I say fair gamed.

bamf1701 −  NTA. He insulted your husband unprompted. This is a clear case of both “he started it” and “if he can’t take it he shouldn’t dish it out.”
Maybe you could have just left it there, but you told your FIL, loud and clear, that you are not a person to be messed with. That has value.

Apprehensive-Care20z −  Eyeroll. This is one of those “jeffrey dahmer murdered and ate my family, am I the a**hole for not inviting him to my birthday party” kind of posts.

Courts714 −  NTA. You defended your man. If this is how his father is still behaving clearly, he is the one with issues, and Rowan and you are better off without. You’re a good partner and had Rowans back even against his dad, which shows loyalty and respect! X