AITA for telling my FIL that he cannot arrive at our house at 1am?

A man’s father-in-law (FIL) is staying with him and his wife for three weeks over the holidays. The FIL plans to arrive at 1 a.m., which the man finds unacceptable due to the noise it would cause, especially with young children in the house.

He insists that his FIL either leave at a different time or get a hotel for the night. The conversation escalates when the FIL dismisses his concerns, and the man ultimately convinces him to arrive at a more reasonable time. Now, his wife is guilt-tripping him for being the “bad guy” in the situation.

‘ AITA for telling my FIL that he cannot arrive at our house at 1am?’

My FIL is staying with us for 3 weeks over the holidays, which I already find an unacceptable length but whatever. He told us he was planning on coming up this weekend from FL (he will be driving). My wife asked him what time he thinks he might be arriving and he said 1am.

I said that is unacceptable and that he should leave at a different time or stop along the way and get a hotel. We have 2 young children, 8 months and 3.5 years old. The guest bedroom my FIL will be staying at requires him to walk past their rooms.

Last thing I need is him coming at 1am, making all sorts of noise and waking up everyone. My wife was talking to my FIL and she was pushing back a little bit and I kept quiet until he said “there’s another way of looking at this: a man coming to visit his family”.

Like we are lucky to be graces with his presence. I had to chime in and say “no, 1 am is unacceptable.” He replies “you’re entitled to your opinion.” The conversation got a bit heated after that comment with it resulting in him agreeing to arrive at a normal time.

Now my wife is trying to guilt trip me into being the bad guy for making him arrive at a normal time. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Super_Ground9690 −  INFO: how far is he travelling? What time will he be leaving to reach you at 1am? And who decided he was staying with you for 3 weeks?

Fresh_Process6822 −  It feels like there is more to the dynamic. To me, if my parents or my in laws were arriving at a late hour, my husband or I would wait or wake up to greet them and help them get settled. Neither set of parents would be loudly bumbling by our kids’ room and waking them up.

I don’t know if your kids are extremely light sleepers, your walls are paper thin, your FIL an excessively loud man, or a combo. Or maybe that’s not really a key issue here after all. Not sure. I’d rather our parents come to our house than head to a hotel at such an hour because I’d worry about them.

I don’t know how long the drive is and am taking it in good faith that FIL has logical reasons for the drive time. For my fam, more relatives fly versus drive. We are a close family and everyone tries to find the most convenient travel times, but also sometimes ticket costs and such lead to odd arrival times.

For us, no biggie. We adjust. But that’s built into our family dynamic and may not be built into yours. (I’d also LOVE three weeks for a visit. That feels like a treat. But again I recognize my family dynamics aren’t necessarily that of others.)

Ultimately, it’s your and your wife’s house, so you should jointly decide this matter. I’m curious about her take on all this. If she is unhappy as you say (guilt tripping you into being the bad guy), there may be more to it than we can see here.

For instance, I’d be upset if I welcomed my parents’ arrival at whatever time and my husband was overruling me, so to speak. I’d also be upset if my husband spoke to my parents in a disrespectful manner even if the general message was one with which I agreed.

Not saying this is what happened in the scenario with your wife; we don’t know that. But noting that there may be reasons why your wife is upset that aren’t about “inconveniencing” your FIL. I hope this smooths out and you can enjoy family time, OP. Take care and happy holidays.

lalaland2438 −  How fragile are you and your kids that drone walking past a room is an unacceptable disturbance? The tone of your whole post sounds like you don’t want him at all and you’re reaching for excuses. Why is everything soooo unacceptable? Your wife doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.

neckbeardfedoras −  My buddy drove around eight hours to see family and he got in at like 2 or 3 am and all they did was have one family member stay up to wait for the arrival while everyone else slept. They weren’t upset about the arrival time – they were excited he was coming to visit.

I don’t understand the issue if there’s an agreement that that is a late time to show up, only one person may be awake when FIL shows up and he needs to be quiet since everyone’s asleep.

The biggest annoyance would be if y’all had to work the next day and this was way too inconvenient and then I’d be inclined to agree, but going thru the house late at night doesn’t seem like a big enough deal to have arguments over it/cause a scene.

sonny_carpenter −  in most families im familiar with, people will arrive at all times of day and night during the holidays, especially if they are traveling from a long way. not being allowed to walk past your kids’ rooms? really? if you are worried about noise,

you can ask him to pack an essentials bag and ONLY bring that past the kids’ rooms until the morning.  if you feel the need to be up to greet him, dont. hes being overly familiar by arriving late at night,

you are pernitted to do the same by letting your wife handle greeting her father (another common custom: the closest relation hosting greets the inconvenient guest). its not the end of the world, he means no disrespect, let him know the family schedule so he can be helpful, etc

Jdf010010 −  nah you’re alright lol

catbirdseat90 −  How do people function with this level of anger, nitpicking, and rigidity? What is your life where this is such a big deal? Nobody is out to harm and offend you here, normal people are happy to see family for the holidays and roll with the inconveniences.

Either you hate your FIL for a reason you haven’t specified and are otherwise normal, or you are a deeply exhausting person. YTA.

elsie78 −  Info: how far is he driving? Can he afford the hotel? It’s he known to make a lot of noise, or could he simply arrive, your wife let him in, and head to the room quietly?

Wild_Ad4599 −  YTA. Come on man, it’s apparently a long drive and he probably can’t leave earlier and doesn’t want to get a room if he just has a couple more hours to go. That’s also your wife’s father, and your kids grandfather. Why would you treat him like that?

How do you think that makes your wife feel? How do you think it makes him feel? He’s coming to visit for the holidays. That’s also your wife’s home. Why do you feel like you have the final say? As far as the excuse about the kids waking up, give me a break dude.

The youngest probably doesn’t sleep through the night and your oldest will wake up excited and then crash back out in minutes most likely. You are just being an a**hole because you’re pissy about him coming to visit for too long and that’s understandable.

Nobody really likes having visitors for that long, but we deal with it and we don’t act like assholes because it’s family and we think about other people and we want our wife and kids to be happy.

Did the man go overboard in setting boundaries with his FIL, or was he right to prioritize his family’s needs? What do you think? Share your thoughts below! Read the original story below…