AITA for telling my fiancé that his best friend can’t be his best man?

A Reddit user shared their frustration over their fiancé’s best friend, Tom, who recently got into a motorcycle accident and now can’t afford to attend the wedding. The fiancé wanted to lend Tom money, but the user refused to pay for Tom’s trip and medical expenses. This disagreement led to a heated argument,

where the user declared that if Tom can’t afford to attend, he can’t be the best man. The fiancé hasn’t spoken to the user since, leaving the user questioning if they were too harsh in their response. To read more about this situation and how others have reacted, continue reading below…

‘ AITA for telling my fiancé that his best friend can’t be his best man?’

I know how it sounds. My fiancé (29M) is an amazing guy – sweet, funny, attractive, and hard-working. I (29F) was impressed with him from the moment I met him and we’ve been together 6 years. We are devoted to each other and working toward building our shared life. We each put a percentage of our earnings into two funds:

one for our wedding (which is a year away) and another for a down payment on a home. We each pay the same percentage, but I pay a much larger amount because I went into a higher income field. We’ve budgeted it out pretty well. At this rate, we’ll have enough to buy a home around the same time as our wedding, as planned.

As to the wedding, we both wanted a small one, and my fiancé and I decided to have a destination wedding. We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My family’s pretty poor, so I’ve also been saving a portion of my remaining paycheck to be able to pay for all of them to come to the wedding for free.

I’m also paying for one of my bridesmaids who went into teaching and doesn’t make much. My fiancé wouldn’t really have the disposable cash to do that, but his family can afford to pay (somewhat wealthy) and is happy for the vacation. The problem arose last week.

My fiancé’s best friend Tom (30M) who he asked to be his best man, got in an accident. It was likely entirely his fault as he was riding his motorcycle drunk. He suffered significant injuries, is going to have some major medical bills, and admitted to my fiancé he doesn’t think he can afford to come.

My fiancé wants to pay for him (several thousand dollars) and lend him money to help cover his medical bills. But, especially with everything going on, my fiancé does not have and is unlikely to be able to get the money to do either. I could afford to do both, but I don’t want to. Truthfully, I can’t stand this friend.

He often rides or drives drunk, does not have a job, makes snarky comments about my fiancé that he insists are just jokes (but that I know actually affect my fiancé), and lives in his parents basement while ignoring their well-being. I was willing to have him up there as best man because my fiancé considers him a brother and it’s his choice.

I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t about to throw a tantrum about it. But with everything going on, my fiancé has suggested taking a huge chunk of our savings for a house to help, and I said no. We got in a huge fight and he called me selfish and cruel, at which point I lost it,

told him his l**er friend did this to himself, and that there was no way in hell I’d pay anything for his sorry ass. I ended by saying, “if he can’t afford to come, he can’t be your best man.” He hasn’t spoken to me since last night and slept in the couch. While I still think I’m on solid footing, I wonder if I went to far. AITA?.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

JackNotName −  NTA You need to sit your fiancé down and tell him point blank that he is asking his fiancee to sacrifice her values and risk the down payment for your future house for a man who frequently drives drunk and is currently in a situation of his own making.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to remain friends with someone who drives drunk. Putting your own life in danger, I don’t really care, but risking other people’s lives? That makes you among the lowest of the low in my mind. Your fiancé needs a serious reevaluation of his morals.

jayelwhitedear −  My question is why is this all falling on YOUR shoulders? If Drunk Tom wants to attend your wedding and stand by your fiance that badly, surely Drunk Tom can find some other means of making that happen besides the Bank of Red 2 Blue?

JMLKO −  NTA this is more than him just being the best man at your wedding. It’s you financing his bad decision to drive a motorcycle drunk. No way your married life should start off with a loan to him that impacts your ability to get a house, which you both saved for. It’s not your responsibility to carry him financially.

OshetDeadagain −  I have to go with NTA. I would do the same in your shoes. You’re justified in your stance and it’s unreasonable to take from your shared wedding and house fund to pay for medical expenses AND travel. If your husband doesn’t want to/can’t use his own money for it, then I’m with you – his friend made his own bed, he can lay in it.

Samanthuh-maybe −  NAH. You need to sit him down and explain how joint finances work. Sometimes the two of you will decide to invest in someone – situations like this – knowing it’ll be at a loss. Like helping your parents get into nursing homes down the line.

That’s an altruistic investment that won’t be returned, but you do it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. There’s nothing wrong with that, or with helping out a friend who won’t be able to return the favor, etc. That’s what your fiancé thinks is happening, you’re investing in someone because it’s the right thing to do.

But that’s not what’s happening, and there *is* something wrong with both parties not consenting to the investment. This dude is just a bad investment. Drunk drivers that repeat their mistake over and over are displaying a complete lack of regard for their own lives and the lives of others, their own finances, freedom,

and future as well as that of others. __This isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice being made and that choice can reliably tell you that this won’t be the last time you’ll go out of pocket for this dude. You’re not a bank or his parents, you’re his friends. Your job is to be there for him emotionally, encourage him to improve, and wish him well – not fund his f**k ups.__

It sounds cold and harsh but this is your life together. You need to prioritize what’s most important, and a guy that doesn’t even value his own life over a good time is not more important than your own future. Buy your house and enjoy your wedding,

if he wants to come that badly then he will take complete responsibility for himself and make that happen. If he can’t, that’s not your fault or your problem. Fiancé needs to prioritize you and accept that.

–nEgativezEro– −  ESH First and foremost, obviously, is Tom. Repeatedly driving drunk on a motorcycle is just immensely stupid. Secondly your husband. Impacting your savings so heavily is a foolish move, and it’s not selfish or cruel to put your entire future on hold so you can pay for his friend’s mistakes.

Lastly on you. You’re obviously mostly in the right here, but I don’t necessarily agree with refusing to let him come to the wedding at all. Paying for your whole family to come, as well as a friend too, is pretty unfair to your fiance. While at face value it’s fair that you’re both contributing an equal percentage of your paychecks,

your higher earnings allows you more freedom to do things you want that he’s unable to do. You paying for multiple people while he’s not allowed to pay for his expected best man is really unfair, and brings an unfortunate power dynamic with the finances that could be tricky once married.

I feel the best compromise is to agree to paying for his travel and lodging arrangements as you’re doing for your family. Paying for any of his medical bills should come solely from any of your fiance’s “extra” money that doesn’t impact your future plans.

pinap45454 −  ESH/NTA. You don’t get to choose his best man, I feel like these issues come up a lot and I think folks tend to gloss over the significant underlying issues often present in these situations and instead focus on the objective merits of their grievances with the individual at issue.

The real issue is that your fiancé is devoted to an individual you don’t like or respect for what seem to be some pretty valid reasons (e.g. drunk driving, treats your fiancé poorly). We don’t need to love or understand the all of our partner’s friends and relationships, but a disagreement of this caliber, especially over a non family member,

is a red flag. Ultimately, this is an issue of values and I would really encourage you to work through this with your partner before getting married. You of course are not obligated to pay this person’s medical bills or for him to travel to your wedding.

You also have the right to be clear with your fiancé that you take issue with him using his own money for this purpose to the extent it has any impact on you, for instance increasing your own financial burden with regards to the wedding.

[Reddit User] −  NTA – it’s not your responsibility to use your hard earned savings to pay for a drunk driver’s mistake. However, I think it would be fair that if you guys are paying for your teacher friend, then you can pay for his best man to attend. I just don’t think he deserves the extra money for the hospital bills.

TrashyMF −  NTA, his friend is irresponsible. Your fiance should use his personal savings, not your shared savings.

Kayliee73 −  NAH (with the exception of the drunk driving friend). Let me share a story. My husband was treated just horribly by his family. Abuse? Check. Ridicule? Check. Now we are in a place where we have a little cash built up. His brother inherited the house when their mom died. He is a hoarder and has completely ruined it.

Now he needs a new house with his dying wife. They needed $1200 more for the down payment. My husband wanted to loan it to him. I really didn’t. Like not even a little. We discussed the pros and cons. My husband just really wanted to. He loves his family.

So, ultimately I decided there was no better use for that money than to bring my husband peace. So we sent it. He thinks his brother will pay it back. I am pretty sure he won’t but my husband is happy. You are in a similar situation here. You have the same choice I did.

Keep the money and use it for wedding and home or loan it to best friend and give your fiance the gift of peace. Neither choice is bad here. It is up to you as this is your money.

Was the user in the right for refusing to financially support their fiancé’s friend, or did they overstep by dictating who could be the best man? How would you navigate a situation where a partner’s financial support conflicts with your values? Share your thoughts below and join the conversation!