AITA for telling my FH he can’t go to his relative’s birthday party because we have commitments?

A Reddit user shared their dilemma about balancing wedding planning and family obligations. With just months to go before their big day, tensions have risen over a scheduling conflict between a critical wedding tasting and a possible birthday party for their fiancé’s relative. The user wonders if they’re being unreasonable for prioritizing their commitments over their fiancé’s wish to attend the family celebration. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ AITA for telling my FH he can’t go to his relative’s birthday party because we have commitments?’

My FH and I are less than 6 months away from our wedding. I have been doing the majority of our wedding planning because my parents are funding the entire wedding. It makes sense that I should be the primary communicator given that my parents are the ones financing the wedding, but it has taken a lot out of me to be project managing and coordinating myself, my FH, my parents and future in laws.

My parents are type A and plan things in advance (I lean more this way too), and my FH’s family are very last-minute. This has never been an issue until it became my job to coordinate everyone. For context, the wedding will take place in the city in which my FH and I live, my parents live a ~6 hour drive away, and future in-laws live 2 hours away.

One appointment we needed was our tasting with the caterer. This was much more complicated than I expected — we needed to make sure my FH and I, my parents, my wedding planner, and the caterer were all available on the same day for this appointment.

I wasn’t sure if we could invite extra people or not, so my plan was to invite the in-laws after we scheduled if we could indeed invite 2 extra people to the tasting. It turned out we could, so after the meeting where I confirmed my FH, parents, and I were all available, I texted my in laws to invite them. We got the last Saturday date available, so there weren’t any other options for the tasting unless my parents took time off of work.

My in-laws texted back that, turns out, there’s a family birthday party that *MIGHT* be on that same Saturday. I told them that’s too bad and we would miss them at the tasting. They responded and said no, you and FH are expected to be there for this party too (even though there are no concrete plans yet). I explained to them that we already scheduled this tasting along with a tour of our venue that day that would be nearly impossible to reschedule.

I was incredibly frustrated that they assumed that we’d clear our schedules to attend something they invited us to last-minute. Even if it was possible to reschedule this appointment, I told my FH I am unwilling to incur the wrath of my mother by telling her we need to reschedule. My mother would find a way to make this situation my fault and having to be the one to communicate bad news to her is not something I’m willing to do (in order to protect my mental health).

My FH is now saying I’m preventing him from attending this relative’s birthday, someone who is important to him, even though he agreed to this tasting date and the birthday party hasn’t even been locked down yet. TL;DR: Am I the AH for telling my FH he either has to miss or go late to his relative’s birthday because he committed to our wedding tasting?

I suppose I could be because of my unwillingness to deal with my mother to reschedule— although, in this situation, I don’t think it’s reasonable or worth it to jump the gun and tell my parents to reschedule when this hypothetical birthday party isn’t even set in stone yet.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

LoveBeach8 −  NTA. But there is another solution. Don’t try to control your FH’s life by forbidding him to go to the family party. I know he agreed to go to the wedding tasting but tell him that he can choose between the two or be late to one or the other. He’s a big boy and can make his own decisions.

If he chooses to skip the tasting in order to go to his family’s party, so be it. I’m sure you can do the tasting without him as well as touring the venue. He’ll be the AH but again, he has the right to choose, especially since you don’t include him very much in the planning process.

Just a side note here: Just because your parents are footing the whole expense for your wedding, does NOT mean that you have to do all the planning. Are you marrying yourself? No. You’re marrying your partner. He needs to step up and become a partner in the wedding planning, as well.

StAlvis −  INFO. My parents live a ~6 hour drive away. We needed to make sure my FH and I, my parents, my wedding planner, and the caterer were all available on the same day for this appointment. Your parents are making a twelve-hour drive rather than trust you to set the menu for your own wedding?

growsonwalls −  ~~YTA. Pick a meal you think people will like. You’re making people drive 6 hours each way (your parents) and 2 hours each way (your in-laws) for a caterer tasting???~~ Changed the judgment to ESH. Your parents sound like nightmares, and you need to stop catering to their every whim, no pun intended. Your IL’s also sound difficult. Both you and your husband need to set boundaries with them. And … just pick a meal you think people will like. All these wedding preparations sound exhausting and joyless.

HortenseDaigle −  ESH. Your parents for micro-managing your wedding plans and making you stressed out and afraid of delivering bad news. You for being their foreman-ie going along with the micromanaging and subjecting your fiance to it. Your FILs for dropping a last minute party invitation to you and insisting you attend. Your Fiance for going along with it.

The theme here is that your parents have conditioned you and your fiance to have different expectations and you need to learn how to set boundaries with them and start acting like your own team. Otherwise you won’t enjoy your wedding and this problem will get much worse.

CrazyOldBag −  Wow. Welcome to the rest of your life, OP. You’re working yourself into a mental breakdown and ulcers over the wedding. How is this going to translate in the future?

How will you divvy up holiday visits? And will your parents lose their s**t if you tell them you won’t be there for (holiday, birthday, Auntie’s root canal, dog’s baptism)? And will your in-laws make last minute plans along the lines of, “Oh, is Thanksgiving NEXT week? We’re all scheduled to visit Lichtenstein starting on Tuesday, and you KNOW you MUST be there too!”?

And if you have children — (shudder) — “What do you MEAN we can’t take Lulu to Paris for her third birthday? We’ve already bought the plane tickets and have hotel reservations! Are you going to deny us our granddaughter?” Or “Oh yeah, Uncle Fartling will be in town this weekend, and he simply CAN’T abide children’s parties, so you’ll have to reschedule Lulu’s birthday party. What?

What do you MEAN you won’t be rescheduling the party? Uncle Fartling hasn’t visited for AGES! Are you going to miss out on seeing him AND deny us our granddaughter?”. I could go on, but ….

Anyway, OP, you’ve got some problems here. Can you pay your parents back for whatever they’ve spent so far and take control of the wedding? Is your fiancé going to step in and start working with you on what is his wedding as well? Are the two of you going to be able to happily navigate your marriage as a team, or will there be constant conflict?. Again, I could go on, but ….. I wish you luck, OP. Also, I wish yoU a HUGE supply of tranquilizers, anti-anxiety meds, antacids, and patience. I think you may need them.

stmarystmike −  So I just want to make sure I understand. Your parents (who seem to be controlling ass holes) are funding the wedding and said money comes with very tight strings attached. Future in laws have, after tasting event was scheduled, informed you that there may or may not be a family birthday and are insisting that both you and your husband come.

Meanwhile, having zero idea of the history of you and your future husband and your relationship with each other and both sets of parents, to my understanding your husband must attend cake tasting or whatever but it seems like your parents will get the vote.

I mean both parents seem to be assholes. If your parents have been like this in the past I certainly would rather go to a fun family gathering than be subjected to my ass hole future in-laws telling me what cake my wedding will have. But he did make a commitment and it’s bad form to back out just because something better came along.

This seems like a terrible way to begin a marriage. You won’t stand up to your parents, he won’t stand up to his, and you’re already arguing over what families get priority and what. On a technicality, you’re NTA because while you shouldn’t have accepted money from controlling parents, you did and are honoring the strings attached. Everyone else seems to s**k, but man. I love my family and my wife’s family, and we still have issues with boundaries on both sides. My wife and I are always united when dealing with this. This marriage just seems miserable.

Kitchen-Swim-5394 −  A couple of things: 1. Why do you state you are doing all the planning when you also mention that you have a wedding planner? The reason you hire a planner is to take care of this type of planning. Stop stressing yourself out and take advantage of the fact that you have a planner.
2. You don’t need a group decision for the caterer. If it’s important to your parents, include them. It’s obviously not important to your future in-laws, so don’t include them.

3. Although most of us probably think it’s important to have the groom’s opinion on the food, many weddings proceed without it. If he really feels like he needs to attend the family party, let him, but make it clear he can not complain about any choices made in his absence. You still have your parents and planner to assist in the decision-making. You’ll be fine. Making this a huge issue will make you the AH, so take a step back and put it all in perspective.

LittleFairyOfDeath −  Sorry but why the f**k are you not having a more affordable wedding instead of putting up with your controlling ass parents? They are literally the problem here.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. There is a lot of filler here. It’s quite simple: someone has decided that the in-laws need to be at the tasting. You texted the date to all parties. ILs are under the mistaken impression that you would or could change the date to accommodate a hypothetical event.

Fiancé needs to get with the wedding program, which means attending the events that you’ve worked hard to research, organize and schedule. He also needs an attitude adjustment to reframe his victim complex. ILs need to learn NOW that you function as a unit, and that unit’s priority is not a relative’s possible birthday party.

You need to seriously consider how you present obligations to both families. Is it really necessary to have that many people at a tasting and tour? Make it clear that you have no energy to play referee over stupid disputes.
Some things (not all) need to be presented as an announcement, not as the opening salvo of a negotiation.

childproofbirdhouse −  ESH. Both of you are interested in pleasing your parents before your partner. You couch yours in therapy speak and he couches his in family obligation. Neither is healthy or mature, and neither is focused on partnership. It was a mistake not to involve him in the planning from the beginning; it’s an excuse for him not to care and sets a precedent for future responsibility.

You can’t control him or his parents (and it’s wrong for your mother to try to control you through emotional manipulation). Tell him when the tasting is and let him choose where he wants to be. Don’t plan anything else without his involvement, and if your mother is vetoing your choices and/or blaming you for things it’s probably better to have a cheap wedding you can pay for out of your own pocket than pay the cost of her manipulation now and forever.