AITA for telling my family that if they gift us money for our wedding, there will be no “strings attached” or we will politely decline it?

The poster and their fiancé initially planned a small, low-key wedding, hoping to avoid the pressures and excesses of typical wedding culture. However, when family members started offering money,

it quickly came with demands and conditions—such as specific people needing to be involved, color schemes, and other stipulations that took away from the couple’s vision.

In response, they decided to make it clear that any financial gift must come with no strings attached, or they would decline it. This led to backlash from family, including some threatening not to attend the wedding. The couple is now considering canceling the whole event and eloping.

‘ AITA for telling my family that if they gift us money for our wedding, there will be no “strings attached” or we will politely decline it?’

I f**king hate wedding culture.. It’s b**lshit. My fiance and I thought we would escape the b**lshit and money by having a small thing. Well, family started trying to throw money at us to make it bigger and more spectacular. We were surprised, but it was a good surprise.

Then the demands started coming out. They wanted this, they wanted that, they wanted this person to come, these colors, dresses can’t do this, this person has to be flower girl, this person HAS to be a groomsman, etc etc. Suddenly it didn’t feel like our wedding, but an excuse for our families to have a family reunion..

We put our foot down and said: >Thank you all for your kindness and generosity when it comes to our wedding. Unfortunately, it looks like we may not have been on the same page as the rest of you. When we were offered money for this wedding, we did not realize it came with strings attached.

With so many requests and so many demands from people we didn’t expect would think they had a say in *our* wedding, we have decided to give everyone their money back.. > >Our understanding of what a gift is must be very different.. >

If you would like to give us money without strings attached or requests or demands, we will gracefully accept it. But if you believe a gift should come with stipulations, we must regretfully, and politely decline.

This has caused an epic shitstorm. Such to the point where I have people saying they will never come to our wedding (honestly, not the worse thing in the world), that we are spoiled, we’re assholes, etc etc etc.

My parents are rather upset about it, but hers (who never made any demands and gave us a small cash gift) said we did the right thing. We are halfway to canceling the whole party and just absconding into the wilderness to do the wedding the way we want.. AITA? (Are We?)

Check out how the community responded:

MakeAutomata −  NTA. that we are spoiled. “We’re spoiled because you cant get what you want at our wedding?”

Spike-Tail-Turtle −  NTA. That’s how gifts work. I vote ditch the whole ceremony and do a small destination wedding just the two ish of you

PattyLeeTX −  I fear that weddings have gone from being a celebration of the beginning of a life together to an “everyone cater to my every whim and make me queen for a day and idk, may divorce later.”

(OP, not referencing your wedding in particular, your circumstances are your own and if a reasonable representation of your family, you’re NTA.” I’ve just been reading so much on AITA about wedding drama….

The reason many parents want to invite people is because we are supposed to celebrate one another’s achievements and blessings. “Back in my day” my family attended weddings (which always included children) of cousins and neighbors’ children, kids of coworkers, etc.

Good friends and family participated in other families’ events, kids’ birthday parties, engagement parties … and watched kids grow from first steps to high school graduation, college sometimes and into married life to repeat the cycle. Weddings took place in the local parish and receptions in an attached party hall or even someone’s home.

Now, perhaps because people move farther away and more often, kids are more independent, parents already spending so much on college that they can’t foot the whole bill, etc , couples are paying for their own weddings and it’s morphing into a “this is our grand gala” instead of a contemplation of a life together.

Moms and dads want to celebrate with their friends, too. Raising kids is a long and stressful ride and marrying that child off to their forever mate signals a sense of, “Phew! We did it! We can rest easy while they ride off into the sunset with one another to help them navigate the waters from here on.” It really does take a village.

Guests are not supposed to be so grateful they were even invited that they give a gift of a value equal or greater to the cost of their dinner – the bride and groom are supposed to circulate at the reception and graciously thank the guests for sharing in their joy.

Wedding parties are supposed to be made up of the loved ones who helped the little girl and little boy grow into that kind of adult that would make a loving spouse, not the “pretty enough but not prettier than the bride“ girls that they’ve known for a year or so and have to cut their hair,

pay $250 for their makeup session and are rich enough to throw some destination hen party extravaganza. I vote for more elopements and more 20-year anniversary parties- where there’s no question anymore if it’s forever and a pretty dress that doesn’t cost $20k.

I know, I’m kind of old and not too woke but I want my kids to know that the person they’ve chosen is the person with which they dream of growing old and if it’s done in a courtroom, a Vegas chapel or Westminster Abbey, that it’s forever. End of rant – thanks if you read it 🙂

darthbreezy −  My favorite part of the whole post? The constant use of WE. You and your Bride. WE are choosing this. WE have responded thus. YOU are on the path to a wonderful partnership – off to the Wilderness with you and have a wonderful life together.. Obviously NTA

HarmnMac −  NTA…..That money was not a gift

regalbirdnerd −  NTA, a gift is a gift

Asteroth555 −  Our understanding of what a gift is must be very different. I think the only part of this message that rubbed me wrong (and i’m not even involved) was this part.. It wasn’t necessary. People would still get angry but I think that 1 line made it extra worse.
You’re NTA for what it’s worth. Just my 2 cents about it

swiss-mike −  Nta, weddings and funerals are when you learn who your true fam is.

Dr_thri11 −  NTA, but you could have worded things a bit more diplomatically.

C6H11CN −  NTA, and I just laughed long and hard at your letter to everyone. It’s your wedding and they want to dictate colors? They don’t care about your wedding; they care about fulfilling some fantasy in their heads about their perfect wedding.

Do you think the couple’s decision to stand firm on their wedding plans was the right move, or do you feel they could have approached it differently to keep the peace with their families? Would you have handled this situation differently if you were in their shoes?