AITA for telling my ex I don’t care if her daughter is crying about being left behind when my son’s with me?

A father (27M) shares how his ex, who cheated on him and has a daughter (4) from that affair, has been pressuring him to take on a fatherly role for the child to keep her and his son (6) close. Despite repeated refusals and documented communication to set boundaries,

his ex confronted him emotionally, saying her daughter cries when her brother leaves. When he told her he didn’t care and urged her to find the girl’s biological father, her family and friends accused him of being heartless and misogynistic. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my ex I don’t care if her daughter is crying about being left behind when my son’s with me?’

I (27m) was with my ex for 4.5 years and we had our son (6) together. We broke up when he was 2 after I learned she’d cheated on me and the baby she was carrying might not be mine. When her daughter was born we did a DNA test for both kids.

My son was mine, which I feel like I knew anyway, but it was also confirmed her daughter was not mine. She doesn’t know who her daughter’s father is and I was asked by her, her parents and her sister to raise her as mine anyway so the kids would be brought up the same. I said no.

We weren’t married so it wasn’t like I was the assumed father, which made it easier for me to just get 50% custody of my son and focus on being a dad to him. Things between us aren’t good and I don’t play a role in her daughter’s life.

Exchanges are done quickly and I don’t engage when she tries to get me to interact with her daughter and asks me to consider including her. I have sent emails to keep documented proof that I am staying civil but don’t want her daughter in my care and communicating this with her.

Mostly it’s not too bad. But lately she has been upping her efforts to get me in her daughter’s life and to get me to take her daughter on as my own. She even confronted me in public space and told me her daughter cries when her brother leaves and that she wants to run up and hug me but since she knows I won’t be okay with that,

she keeps her daughter away, but that it kills her. She said her little girl didn’t choose this and she knows she fucked up but she cries so much over me and can’t I see her as our sons sister and love her as my daughter for his sake if not for hers. I told her I don’t care.

I did not make her daughter and I will not be responsible for raising her daughter. I told her to put the work into finding her daughter’s father and leave me alone. Her sister DM’d me on social media and asked how I could be a dad and so heartless about an innocent kid.

Then her friend did the same with a bit more of a strongly worded DM that accused me of being misogynistic and saying I wouldn’t act like this if she had another son, which isn’t true at all but she sure as hell acted like that was a thing.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

geebabyglam25 −  As long as you are prioritizing your own child’s well-being, you are not the AH. It may be tough for the ex’s daughter, but that’s not your responsibility. Focus on your own family.

LogicalDifference529 −  You broke up when she was pregnant. At no point did her daughter know you as a father or believe you were her father. She didn’t go through any trauma of losing a parent over paternity like I see on here a lot. For the child to be acting this way, her mother has put all the ideas in her head. This is really sad, but you certainly are NTA.

Burn420Account69 −  NTA Also, NAL but I work in family law. This is the extreme of the extreme cases, but you could call CPS on her. She’s mentally and emotionally abusing her daughter by repeatedly trying to get you involved.

IF and ONLY IF she is actually telling her daughter that you are her dad or like you said her daughter wants to hug you. Something is likely going on and it’s very negatively affecting her daughter.

You could also get an edition to the custody order that says mom won’t discuss your relationship with her daughter at all. You likely have a disparagement clause for your son, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities for one for the other child.

The language would just have to be “Mom won’t discuss Dad’s relationship with her children or any other children.” This targets mom and not a specific child.

Pseudo-Data −  NTA Thanks for your concern for (girl’s) wellbeing. I certainly understand the jealousy she must feel when (son) leaves for his time with me. I agree, it’s not her fault, just as it is not mine. It brings me no pleasure to know how hurt she must feel.

As you know, despite (girl) being conceived during our relationship, I am not her father. She has a right to know and spend time with HER father, as does (son).

Rather than continuing to harass me, and validating (ex’s) bizarre belief that I should somehow be responsible to take on the fatherly role towards a child that is not mine, I’d think your efforts would be better spent helping (ex) figure out who the father of (girl) might be so that she can have a relationship with him.’. Then block them all.

trev4_a86 −  She is upping the effort because the child is getting older and probably asking questions she doesn’t want to answer or know how to.
Is it fair no but let be clear, your ex caused this issue. Not you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she tells her daughter you are her dad but don’t want her because she doesn’t want to look bad or have a difficult conversation later on down the road.. NTA

geebabyglam25 −  NTA. Your responsibility is to your son, not your ex’s daughter. And it’s not your job to make sure she’s happy when she’s not with you. Your ex needs to figure out how to handle her own child’s emotions.

Live_Western_1389 −  I am sure that, if the circumstances were flipped & you had a child with another woman, your ex would just be falling all over herself to include your 2nd child just like they were her own.

And that these friends of hers would welcome their SO’s love child with open arms and included them in every activity with the child you have together.

ben_kosar −  NTA. Maybe time to block all her friends and start using a co-parenting app?

Perfect_Ring3489 −  Nta. Your responsibility is to your son. Your ex doesnt get to demand you have a relationship with a child thats not yours. Why should you raise her? Its really unfair

DesperateToNotDream −  The fact that if it wasn’t you, she didn’t know who it was implies she cheated on you with multiple men

While he’s firm in his boundaries, the emotional complexities of the situation make it difficult. Is he right to prioritize his own responsibilities, or could he handle this with more compassion? Share your thoughts below!