AITA for telling my DIL her feelings are not my problem and for f**k sakes you don’t need to be invited to everything?

A Reddit user shared a story about an emergency family code word that signals an immediate, siblings-only meeting at her home for private discussions. After her husband called an emergency meeting to discuss his health, her daughter-in-law became upset for not being included,

even though the family had previously agreed that only siblings attend these meetings. When her daughter-in-law insisted on being invited in the future, the Redditor responded bluntly, which led to some family tension. Read on for the full story!

‘ AITA for telling my DIL her feelings are not my problem and for f**k sakes you don’t need to be invited to everything?’

I will keep this as short as possible.The family has a code word that means to met up at my home because there is bad news. So emergency family meeting. This is something that is extremely rare and it means to drop what you are doing and get over as soon as possible.

It is only an invite for the kids, no in-laws are invited. This was discussed and agreed upon by everyone. This was due to everyone being most comfortable with sharing bad news with their siblings and not having to be polite with the in laws.

For example my daughter used the code word and it was an emergency family meeting. She was getting a divorce and needed help. After everyone fills in their spouses but not all the gritty details.

This happened today, an emergency meeting was called by my husband. In short he needs surgery, I won’t go into more than that. Everyone left and I got a call from my DIL upset that she wasn’t invited to the meeting.

I asked if she knew what theses were and she told me my son explained it. She reiterated that she should still be invited and I am excluding her. That she is upset and expects and invite next time

I told her that her feelings arent my problem, and for f**k sales you don’t need to be invited to everything. She called me a j**k. My son told me he will deal with it but I could have been nicer

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

blueeyedwolff −  This is so depressing. You don’t consider your kid’s spouses as family. I feel sorry for you. You sound very angry and bitter.

OkHistory3944 −  This family sounds overdramatic. You really have to call an emergency-drop everything meeting with the whole nuclear family to tell them that you, a full grown adult, is getting a divorce or needs surgery? These are called normal life issues and they are not emergencies.

Most people just make a couple of phone calls and everyone else knows within a couple of weeks. Definitely some main character energy in this family, especially with the secret “family meeting” code.

Evening_Mulberry_566 −  INFO What’s the reason they are not invited? Of course you have the right to share some things with only part of your family. Yet, the way you deal with it seems a bit off. The code words, the harsh words, the swearing all make it sound kind of hostile and sectarian.

avidbanana −  In the kindest way possible, this is beyond bizarre. Why do you need a code word? As other people have pointed out, why can’t you just call these meetings urgent families meetings or use the phrase ASAP? The need for codewords and excluding your grown children’s spouses is just strange all around.

Also, I don’t mean to be callous but a divorce and an upcoming surgery are not “emergencies”, nor do they need this level of secrecy. Regardless of whether you think your DIL is “family” or not, she is the family of your son. This behavior is going to cause rifts in your family and the families of your children. If my family tried doing this, it would 100% not fly with me.

If my in-laws started doing this, it would incredibly suspicious and 100% not fly. I think you have bigger issues with how you think of your relationship of your adult children and I would really urge you to reconsider why you need to keep such mundane family business so secret. YTA for this instance and if you keep this practice up.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Your daughter-in-law is a member of your family. If there is an emergency that warrants your children **dropping everything and getting to your home as soon as possible**, then I think it makes sense that sometimes their spouses would be with them.

Unless it’s not that much of an emergency and they can drop their spouses off beforehand? At which point, an emergency meeting probably isn’t that much of an emergency meeting. This sounds like a really unhealthy divide for a family to have.

I’m noticing in your comments you keep referring to your children’s spouses as ‘the in laws’ and talking about how your children aren’t comfortable discussing these things…**in front of the people they’re married to**.

Yes, your daughter-in-law went quite nuclear here, but given that there’s an existing code word and things such as divorce warrant this code word coming up and everyone dropping everything, I’m imagining this is the straw that may have broken the camel’s back. Even just the way you’re referring to them collectively as ‘the in laws’ when describing why you can’t do this with them present feels off.

TemptingPenguin369 −  YTA. This is really disturbing, to be honest. How close do you all live to each other? If I got a emergency code message (I guess you’re all in witness protection) and dropped everything to get to this meeting, was forced to go alone… and found out it was for a freakin divorce? I would be livid.

Talk about the boy who cried wolf! Imagine if you had to get behind the wheel of a car by yourself, terrified for bad news. This is madness. You don’t consider your children’s partners to be part of the family? Your poor DIL. A divorce ffs.

Swirlyflurry −  NTA. I’m not as comfortable around my sister’s husband as I am around her. I never will be. It doesn’t matter that I like him and accept him as part of the family – I will never have the same relationship with my BIL as I have with my siblings.

I would not feel comfortable explaining deeply personal and painful events in my life with him there. You’re letting your family have a safe space where they can feel completely comfortable.

Striking_Cabinet781 −  YTA. These people have married INTO your family. What a s**tty thing to do. Even if there are emergencies and bad news, you’re all supposed to be family. If my own parents pulled this on my husband they’d get told to ‘f**k off, your feelings aren’t my problem.’

myshellly −  YTA. You aren’t a family of international super spies who needs code words and secret meetings.

missdeb99912 −  YTA — this is really bizarre. The whole situation of having a code word for a family meeting. I started saying ESH, but I think you’re in the wrong. It’s strange that you INTENTIONALLY exclude spouses — these are your kids partners in life and your daughter and son in law. Should she have said anything?

Probably not because it obviously wasn’t listened to or validated — she should have just complained to your son and further distanced herself from your family. I think it’s okay to call your son up and not expect your daughter in law to be on the call …

but to specifically say “we need to talk as a “family” but no spouses allowed” is a little like you’re still parenting a household filled with young kids and teens. And, you were SO rude to her when she shared with you that she felt excluded and hurt. wtf man. I hope you don’t have grandkids – or that they plan on having kids – because you’re slowly building up resentment here and distance. Ugh.

Do you think the daughter-in-law should be included in family emergency meetings, or is it fair for the family to have some sibling-only discussions? How would you handle this situation to keep the peace while respecting boundaries? Share your thoughts below!