AITA for telling my daughter “Yeah, I get it, you hate him, when he went on a father daughter trip ?
A Reddit user (42F) shares a dilemma involving her daughters, Emma (17F) and Lucy (10F), and her husband, who is Emma’s stepfather. Emma lost her biological father at a young age, and her memories with him hold a special place in her heart.
Recently, the user’s husband took Lucy to a pumpkin patch outing—a tradition Emma shared with her late father. This upset Emma, who felt her stepfather was “taking over” her father’s memory.
When Emma expressed her frustration, the user, exhausted by the conflict, responded bluntly, which led to Emma feeling hurt and accusing her mother of being insensitive. Read on to see how the user navigates the delicate balance of honoring past memories while creating new traditions for her younger daughter, Lucy.
‘ AITA for telling my daughter “Yeah, I get it, you hate him, when he went on a father daughter trip ?’
I (42F) have two daughters: Emma (17F) and Lucy (10F). The issue revolves around my husband, who is Emma’s stepfather. Emma’s dad passed away when she was younger, and I remarried three years ago.
She and my husband don’t get along at all, and she makes it clear she dislikes him. My husband has tried to bond with her, but Emma shuts him out completely, refuses to talk, and ignores him.
We all know she will never see him as a father figure and we are fine with it. Here’s where it gets tricky: when Emma was younger her bio dad would take her to father-daughter outings. We have a lot of pictures of those, Lucy was too young to remember any of them.
We thought it would be nice to do again, since Lucy does see her stepdad as her dad. Specifically they would go to a pumpkin patch and then carve them. They went to the pumpkin patch yesterday and had a great time. Lucy and my husband really bonded and had a good time.
The issue is Emma, she is pissed that he took over the tradition with lucy. That my husband stole the tradition and I am disrespecting my late husband memory. I was exhausted from hearing the same arguments over and over.
So, I snapped and said, “Yeah, I get it, you hate him, but your sister sees him as her dad and doesn’t have these memories like you do. Are you really doing to ruin this for your sister and no one owns going to a pumpkin patch.
She has been pissed and calling me an insensitive j**k. She is also getting on Lucy’s ass for going with my husband.
My mom thinks I am an j**k here and I need an outside opinion
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
PumpkinPowerful3292 − NTA – He didn’t steal anything. Does Emma now believe that for forever now anyone who goes on a father-daughter excursion can’t? How narcissistic and self-centered. That is just plain silly.
The only person here who is being disrespectful is Emma towards Lucy, trying to deny her the love and support from your husband. And that should not put up with in no uncertain terms. Tell your to b**t out.
StillCrazyAfterYears − Why not start a totally new tradition where all 4 of you go together? It did sound like that you were trying to recreate something that was once owned by your daughters & their bio dad.
SaveBandit987654321 − NTA. Emma is allowed to feel disconnected, frustrated and hurt. What she’s not allowed to try to do is harm her little sister’s relationship with the man she considers her dad, let alone try to target her and make her feel guilty pursuing it.
That’s something I’d put a stop to immediately because you’re allowing a really toxic trait in her to blossom and damage your family.
No one is forcing her to have a rel with her stepdad. No one is forcing her to like him.
In fact she’s allowed to do things like totally ignore him when he’s speaking to her, even though that’s a plainly rude way to treat someone, especially in their home. But she’s allowed to moan about these feelings privately to you and perhaps a therapist, but that’s it. She’s not allowed to make them other people’s problem.
She’s not allowed to tarnish a happy memory for Lily. She’s not allowed to constantly d**p on her step dad. get her into therapy and make it clear that there’s a line between expressing yourself and lashing out, and that she’s crossed it, and in her lashing out she bullied her sister.
Party-Possession-310 − NAH – Puh all these patchwork family stories are always hard to assess. Overall, it sounds like you are validating her feelings, and not forcing her to see your new husband as her dad, which is great while at the same time trying to be a family for Lucy which is also great.
Frankly, I am not sure if internet strangers are the right crowd to get a perspective here. So, I snapped and said. Don’t think you are T A, but you should probably still go and apologize and seek a conversation with Emma.
Understandably, she has had a difficult time dealing with the loss of her father and I am wondering if all of you have gotten the professional counseling that you needed to process such a life changing event.
mom_in_the_garden − Emma is a hurting teenager and needs understanding as well to learn to be at least polite to her step-father. Did you and your husband make a fuss about recreating memories that Emma had with her deceased father?
I can see where that might be painful for her. Of course your husband and your 10 year old should make memories of their own, but don’t point out that they are replicating times that she will never have again with her father because he’s DEAD.
Snapping like you did at a sad teenager who is acting like a sad teenager makes you an a**hole. In teens, sadness often looks like rudeness or anger and snapping with the intent to make them feel hurt or shamed is never helpful.
RulerOfNyaNyaLand − You’re the parent. YTA. Stop treating your daughter’s feelings like they don’t matter. Address her feelings. Quit saying she feels hateful when the feeling she’s having is mourning, loss, sorrow, and pain while she intensely misses her dad.
Can’t you just acknowledge her feelings instead of snapping at her? “Oh, honey!” you say, as you give her a hug, “I know how much you miss your dad. He loved you so much and you loved him too. I’m so sorry that this must bring back painful memories for you.
It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to miss him.” You can just let her feel that. You can let her talk about it. And no, it doesn’t matter if it’s for the thousandth time. Grief doesn’t operate on your time limit.
If she gets snarky with her sister, you can take her aside and remind her gently that it isn’t okay to take her grief out on anyone else. If she needs to talk or vent, you’re there for her. Her sister and step dad aren’t doing activities together to spite her.
She has to find a way to acknowledge that. But more understanding from you would go a long way with her. Snapping at her isn’t helpful. At all. Do better. Also, go apologize. You have another romantic partner, her younger sister has a father figure, but your oldest daughter doesn’t have a new dad.
And no, it isn’t her fault for refusing to bond, she just didn’t choose him and she didn’t bond. You can’t force it.
Hug your daughter. Ask her if she wants to talk about it and make yourself listen before you talk.
Joeyemery5535 − Info what is the reason your daughter gives for hating her stepfather?
Agreeable-Mix-7655 − I think there’s NAH, I understand why she’s upset, she misses her dad a lot clearly. But seeing that you waited 5 years to marry, don’t force her to treat your husband like a father, etc makes a difference in my judgment.
Your younger daughter loves him and deserves those memories too. Your older daughter could’ve gone and they could’ve talked about bio dad to add him to the festivities, then your husband wouldn’t have been taking over tradition. I really hope the best for all of you truly.
NegativePlants_ − NTA. This is going to sound harsh, but she doesn’t hate him, she resents YOU. But you’re her Mom and she doesn’t *want* to be mad/resent you, so she takes it out on him, because she’s a teenager, and that’s what they do..
YOU moved on.. YOU got married again. YOU brought a new man into the house.. YOU “forgot” her Dad. She’s mad at YOU. THATS what you need to be focusing on.
SandyWitch21 − YTA You sound condescending and insensitive. I almost get a feeling of “Why can’t she just move on?! We all did. She’s the only one lagging behind. Why can’t she just accept him as her new dad so we can all live in peace” even though what you’re saying is the complete opposite…
There’s a deep level of frustration. You seem jaded. As someone who lost their dad as a child I understand the intricacies of the changed family dynamics all too well.
While I understand where your daughter is coming from, I’m also not one to suggest that as a parent you owe your child a life of celibacy/loneliness even if they’re still actively grieving.
Your daughter feels betrayed and as if all the happy memories of her dad are being erased. She’s also very intent on keeping the status quo and on things not changing. Except, life goes on.
I’d spend some 1:1 time with her and assure her that your partner is not here to replace her dad, that his role is different. That just because he may end up doing things with the younger daughter that she felt were reserved for her bio dad it does not necessarily erase his memory.
If anything it honours it because his legacy lives on. Ask her if she really thinks that doing things she used to do with dad with your partner would make her bio dad love her any less? Have your partner have a one to one conversation with her about how he sees his role in her life.
I’d also encourage you to do some things 1:1 with your two girls that helps keep your husband’s memory alive. Assure them you still miss him and that it’s OK to cry. Make it OK to talk about your late husband openly.
You may have moved on but it sounds like your daughter has a much harder time doing so. Your role is to help her make that transition as opposed to escalating things and making it harder.
And yes, she’s being difficult but she’s also lost her beloved dad. Cut her some slack and come from a place of compassion rather than resistance.. Edit: typo
Do you think the mother handled the situation fairly given the emotions involved, or should she have been more sensitive to Emma’s feelings about her late father’s memory? How would you balance honoring old family traditions with creating new ones? Share your thoughts below!