AITA for telling my daughter to cancel her marriage?

A parent advised their daughter to cancel her upcoming marriage after discovering the fiancé and his family were demanding a dowry and planning for her to become a stay-at-home wife, contrary to her dreams. While the daughter is heartbroken but supportive of the decision, the fiancé and some friends blame the parent for interfering. Did they do the right thing?

‘ AITA for telling my daughter to cancel her marriage?’

I have a daughter(27) who was with her boyfriend for 7 years and they got engaged not long ago(just a small party, not many guests). She always talks to me about how she loved him, how he always listens to he and he was made for her. I have agreed with her, since I found i=him to be a good natured man, he was kind and humble and was always respectful to our family.

We’ve met his parents for dinner twice or thrice and they hit me as a little sexist, asking questions to my wife like “I don’t know why you’re working, isn’t that the husband’s job? Its the mothers job to be taking care of the children”.

Now that they wanted to make it more serious, they planned a marriage. Anyways we have been planning about the marriage, and one day her boyfriend comes to me and says that his parents want to talk to me. I was going to call my daughter too, but he said that she wasn’t allowed. I went with him and his parents started talking with me about DOWRY. I was confused and said that there was no dowry and in 2020 who even gives dowry??

But boyfriend and his parents started lecturing me about how necessary it was and how my daughter would be a stay at home wife(my daughter has told me that she wants to continue her dreams so I don’t know what this is). Anyways they told me that I should give it a thought and told me not to tell my daughter for the time being.

However I immediately told my daughter about it, and she started crying saying she didn’t know that her boyfriend was so sexist. She asked me what she could do now, and I told her that she wasn’t being forced and could cancel her marriage if she didn’t want it.

Well, that is exactly what happened and now her boyfriend and his parents are calling me saying I took away the love of his life etc… On top of that, some of her friends (some were bridesmaids) said that I was a a**hole for breaking up what would’ve been a “healthy marriage”. But its my daughter’s happiness that matters. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

No-Construction-17 −  NTA. You saved your daughter from a life of hell. Sorry she had to go through that though. I’m sure it was a shock to realize her ex and her almost-in-laws are misogynistic AH’s. Hope she’s doing okay. 7 years is a long time. How did this not ever come up before???

rs_plays_ac −  This story did not go how I predicted. NTA.

Bread-Butter-Mondays −  NTA, this is the kind of parenting that the modern world needs. Supportive and caring but not afraid to step in when needed. Hope you and your daughter are ok.

soonergirrl −  The f**k?? Absolutely you are NTA for telling your daughter about this. Especially if her own values and beliefs lie outside of what her husband to be expected. If she’s always had grand plans to have a career, a marriage to this man who expects the opposite was going to be nothing but heartache.

[Reddit User] −  NTA On three fronts. 1). You did not tell your daughter to cancel the wedding. You told her that if she did cancel the wedding, you would not think any less of her. That is a really important distinction.
2) That talk of a dowry is just ridiculous in a twenty-first century marriage that does not involve an exchange of lands or noble titles.
3) If they are going to demand a dowry, then at the very least their son should demonstrate he can provide for your daughter. Did he even do the courtesy of bringing a freshly hunted and killed elk or boar to the table in your Great Hall?

Revolutionary_Tune89 −  NTA. You gave her advice, but, ultimately, it was her choice. Her ex-future-husband seems like a very toxic and m**ipulative person. It is beyond bizarre that they would ask for a dowry (assuming you live in a Western country, as I know this is still common in some places). And it raises all sorts of alarm to me that he didn’t want you to tell her about the dowry.

runedued −  NTA. With the mention of dowry it brought back memories of marriages of females in my family. I hate the practice of dowry and putting such a limitation on women like this. Reality is she is dodging a bullet because if the “boyfriend” is already expecting this out of her then it will only get worse in the future.

I come from a culture where women also call out other women for wanting equality and to not stay as stay at home wives so I am not surprised that you have received such backlash. Rest easy knowing you have helped her make the right decision and focus on keeping her strong so that she sticks with it.. Since people below are asking:

A dowry is an old tradition and it dates back to several cultures. I can only tell you what a dowry means in Indian culture. A dowry is a gift the bride’s parents/family/brothers pay to the groom and his family. They pay this dowry as a financial transaction as the groom’s family is absorbing the costs of the Bride.

This is due to the old familial structure of women not “financially” contributing to the household. In recent years it has become somewhat common for the groom’s family to increasingly demand ridiculous gifts in the dowry (such as cars, houses, large sums of money).

Significant_Risk −  You did not break them up, that was the time treveling-boyfriend from the 18th century.. NTA.

unknown_928121 −  If the friends think the marriage is so healthy one of them can marry him. You did right by your daughter. NTA.

chyaraskiss −  That was not going to be a healthy marriage.. NTA.