AITA for telling my daughter the truth about why I wasn’t in her life?
Family secrets have a way of surfacing at the most unexpected times, leaving us to wonder if honesty does more harm than good. I (24F) recently discovered that the narrative I believed about my past was a lie. When my ex, with whom I was involved at 19, got pregnant, I was led to believe that an abortion had taken place—because she didn’t want me involved, given our breakup.
Fast forward 19 years, I learned from her brother, Rob, that I was deceived: my daughter Kara exists, and she’s been living with her uncle. While I’m thrilled to finally have a chance at building a relationship with her, revealing the truth about why I wasn’t there for her has sparked a family uproar.
My grandparents and others are furious that I shared details about the so-called “abortion” with Kara, saying it tarnishes her image of her late mother. Now I’m left feeling torn between my commitment to honesty and the hurt it may have caused. Am I the asshole for telling Kara the truth about why I wasn’t in her life?
‘ AITA for telling my daughter the truth about why I wasn’t in her life?’
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “Revealing long-hidden family truths can be incredibly painful, especially for a child who has built their identity around an idealized version of their parent. However, honesty can also be a powerful tool for healing. It’s essential to consider both the timing and the method of disclosure. If done gently and with appropriate support, sharing the truth can help reframe past hurt and build trust in the long term.”
She adds, “It’s understandable that you wanted to be authentic with Kara, particularly when you’re eager to be a part of her life. Yet, the way the truth is shared can have lasting impacts on how she perceives her family and herself. In this case, your decision reflects a desire to break free from deception and establish a real connection.”
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Family revelations are never simple. While you have every right to be honest about your past, it’s important that this honesty is accompanied by empathy and a willingness to help the child process the emotional impact. If your intentions are to heal and build a genuine relationship, follow-up support through counseling or mediated family discussions might be a beneficial next step.”
Both experts agree that while your truth-telling was grounded in a genuine desire to connect, it’s crucial to offer ongoing support to help Kara navigate the emotional fallout.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Several redditors expressed strong support for your decision. One user commented, “If you’ve been kept in the dark for so long and finally get a chance to be part of your daughter’s life, you deserve to be honest about what happened. She has a right to know the truth.” Another shared, “It’s painful, but sometimes the truth—no matter how harsh—can be the first step towards healing. You weren’t trying to hurt her; you just wanted to finally be there for her.”
Ultimately, your decision to tell Kara the truth about why you weren’t in her life is deeply personal and laden with both vulnerability and a desire for genuine connection. While it’s clear that your revelation has upset your family and could potentially harm Kara’s idealized view of her late mother, it also opens the door for a real relationship based on honesty. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance the need for truth and authenticity with the responsibility to protect a child’s emotional well-being?
What would you do if you were in a similar situation, where long-held family secrets suddenly come to light? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the challenging path of truth, healing, and relationship building in family dynamics.