AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated

The father had a conversation with his 16-year-old daughter, Katty, explaining why her achievements aren’t celebrated like her younger brother Jake’s, stating that she needs to put more effort into something to be recognized.

Katty didn’t take the talk well, accusing her father of playing favorites and lashing out at Jake, leading to tension in the family. While her father feels he was honest but fair, her mother believes he could have handled it more delicately, and Katty has since distanced herself.

‘AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated?’

I have a 16-year-old daughter, Katty, and a 14-year-old Jake. Jake is more of an achiever—he’s involved in sports, does great in school, and recently won an award for community volunteering. We have been celebrating his achievements, usually with a dinner out

Katty, on the other hand, doesn’t do much. She hasn’t been putting effort into anything lately. She basically just goes to school and then exists in the house—she spends her free time on her phone or watching TV, doesn’t have any hobbies or interests outside of her friend group, and doesn’t put much effort into schoolwork. This results in her not getting many celebration outside of her birthday. We stopped forcing her to do sport or other clubs when she hit highschool

Katty came to me and said she feels like it’s unfair we celebrate Jake, and I decided to have a conversation with her. I sat her down and explained that we love her just as much, but if she wants to be celebrated like Jake, she needs to put effort into something. I suggested she try finding something she’s passionate about or work harder in school. That she should make her own goals to work towards. I thought I was being honest but gentle.

Katty did not take it well. She exploded, accusing me of playing favorites and said it was unfair that Jake gets all the attention just because he’s always doing things. She even lashed out at Jake, telling him that he was “the golden child” and she was tired of hearing about how great he was.

Jake was hurt by her outburst, and now things are awkward between them. Katty has been avoiding both me and her brother since then, staying in her room or giving us the silent treatment. My husband thinks I could have phrased it better, but I believe this was an important reality check for her. If she isn’t doing anything then their isnt anything to celebrate

Edit: for everyone claiming I never talk or am around my daughter.

She literally just went Apple picking with her father this weekend. I am spending almost everyday teacher her how to drive, we went shopping and a spa day earlier this month, her father is teacher how to change tires and how to work basics of the car. That’s been happening every weekend for months. Me and her have been watching a show every thrusday with her for months. That’s just this month.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Important-Nose3332 says:

NTA. Makes perfect sense to me. Im assuming yall would celebrate her bday, graduation, etc… does she think people are just going to throw parties for her for no reason? She’s old enough to learn that’s not how to world works.

Maybe get her into therapy. Sounds like she’s in some sort of woe is me spiral, maybe some outside perspective would help her get on track or at least understand why people who work hard and achieve things get celebrated for them, while people who do not, do not.

worshippirates says:

NTA but your daughter sounds like she needs guidance and possibly therapy. I couldn’t figure out what appealed to me in late middle school/early high school. I wasn’t passionate about any club or activity that I was aware was offered. I couldn’t find books I was passionate about despite having a love of reading.

I just didn’t know what I liked and I stopped trying for a while. It would have been really hurtful to watch my younger brother find his passion so easily. Could you offer to take her to do things you think she might enjoy? You may know of things she’d like that she may not know exist.

I tend to take this approach with teens. “Hey, teen have you heard that there is a scuba diving camp, painting class, guitar workshop, metaphysical festival, volunteer opportunity to help puppies/kitties, haunted house, teen night at the ice rink, concert, etc? Think about your kid’s passions and invite her to experience a world beyond her phone.

She may also be depressed and touching base with a therapist could be a great idea!

mr_remy says:

This is my thought, or try to help her find things she’s passionate about. I know when i’m depressed as f*ck (i’m bipolar, not diagnosing her just my own personal exp) I don’t want to do much, and work/TV/phone are a staple in that, no ambition or drive or goals.

If you wanted to help OP, you could get creative like mentioned you went above and beyond my initial simple list lol.

nerdixcia says:

As someone with bipolar 2 I know I find it hard to enjoy things during depressive episodes. It’s hard to want to be active in my community when I don’t feel like I’m worth doing anything. Ofc that’s probably not what’s happening with her.

But I also think it wouldn’t hurt for ppl to get her daughter therapy to at least help a bit. A lot of teens go through weird phases and stuff due to hormones and a lot become depressed and therapy is a good start to things. I know depression can be very hard to feel motivated but sometimes you just need a little shove and right encouragement.

sqrrrlgrrl says:

My 17 year old told me that COVID also hit a certain subset of kids (those transitioning into middle and high school) really hard. They apparently all talk about it at school, and a lot of them kind of got stuck with anxiety and depression during both traumatic and formative times, along with political/climate change environments making them feel that there’s not much of a use in anything.

TLDR: There’s a lot of underlying nihilism and anxiety about making investments in time, energy, etc in teens in that range, even if they don’t really see it that way themselves.

The conversation between Katty and her father has clearly caused a rift, leaving the family in an awkward position. Katty feels unseen, while her father believes in rewarding effort. Is it fair to expect recognition only for achievements?

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!