Aita for telling my daughter if she goes back to her ex I will not support her ?

A father’s 26-year-old daughter left her abusive ex-husband after enduring financial, emotional, and physical abuse. She’s been living with her parents after her divorce, struggling with depression. Recently, the daughter told her parents she was considering getting back together with her ex.

The father, feeling protective and exhausted from supporting her, told her if she returned to him, he could no longer support her. His wife disagreed with his approach, saying he should have been more supportive.

Now, the father’s wife is angry at him, and he feels he’s being blamed for making things worse. read the original story below…

‘ Aita for telling my daughter if she goes back to her ex I will not support her ?’

My daughter is 26, her ex husband was a**sive, they dated for 3 years before getting married a year ago, my ex son in law changed after he married my daughter, I didn’t even know about any of this until my daughter told me everything.

After she got married he abused my daughter financially and emotionally and sometimes physically, I don’t really want to go through everything but he is a pos who literally ruined my daughter.My daughter told me everything 2 months after she got married,

I encouraged her to fight for her rights but she said she just wants to get away and doesn’t want to fight, I didn’t force her and had to pay a huge amount to get her a clean Divorce, my daughter was broke, she lost her job and she’s been living with us since then.

My daughter has been depressed all these months and she spends most of her time with me and her mother, she cuddles with us both, she vents, she tells us what she went through and me and my wife just listen to her and try not to get angry.

But my wife is always sad and tells me multiple times to take care of her, she makes me promise that I will take care of daughter, I assure her but she’s feeling what she’s feeling as I am and my daughter is and I can’t do anything to change that.

But a week ago my daughter told us that she’s been talking to her ex and he has been apologizing to her and wants to get back with her, we were surprised and we tried to tell her that we understand you love him but he doesn’t but my daughter wouldnt listen and said she wants to get back with him and give him another chance.

My wife started crying and told me to talk to her and she left to our bedroom, I told my daughter that he can’t change, those people never do, don’t put yourself through what you already went through and your family did.

My daughter said she wants to give him another chance, I tried everything, I said everything I could but she didn’t listen to me, when I had enough i told her if she wants to be with him again then that’s her decision but I wouldn’t be able to help her again cause I am already drained and I still have to think about retirement and take care of her mother.

She cried and hugged me, I told her that I am with her, I think about her but I also have to think about her mother she’s suffering as well, my daughter didn’t say anything just hugged me and cried ate and went to sleep and she started avoiding us both and stopped interacting, she just hugs us and goes back to her room

When I told my wife what I said to our daughter she got angry at me and said I shouldn’t have said what I said, I should have been polite and helped her but I made it even worse, I told her that she should have talked to her instead and my wife also has been angry with me ever since.

So am I the a**hole here? Did I do something wrong? I just want to help and protect two women I love the most I did everything in my power to help them but now they are treating me as if I am the source of their suffering

These are the responses from Reddit users:

financiallysoundcat −  You should advise your daughter to read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft before she gets back with her ex. It describes the cycle of abuse and the types of abusers, and could be a great tool to help her truely realise the gravity of her situation. You can find free PDF versions of it online.

ForwardPlenty −  This is a good example of the abuse cycle. It goes like this, tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. She has gone through the calm when they first got together, then there was tension, then a certain incident where she moved out and moved in with you.

Now the ex is love bombing, saying he has changed and things will be great. And they will be for a while, then the tension will c**ep in and then there is some incident, and boom she is back home.

She is angry with you because she wants to believe that everything is going to be good, and that this cycle doesn’t exist. But you can see the writing on the wall, it will get back to where it was.

It is easy to blame other people, not yourself, that is why you pointing out that they are not good for each other brings their wrath to bear. At this point all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces. One strategy of abusers is to isolate them from sources of support, so if they try to leave they have no place to go.

VinylHighway −  And what is your wife doing other than complaining?

ObligationNo2288 −  NTA. Does your wife always tell you to take care of business then complain?

Jmfroggie −  Nta. Mom needs to step up and talk to her daughter instead of passing on responsibility to everyone else.. Daughter needs a job and therapy.
You set a boundary- she cannot keep being financially bailed out by you. You only have so much. You gave her everything you had the first time.

It’s hard to leave abuse but she moved out and even got divorced!! You can love her and hate her decisions. You can live there and be there emotionally and physically-to a point, but the financial help is done.

Reframe it to her- how would she justify this behavior to her kids- it doesn’t even matter if she never wanted them. How would she feel if her daughter got into a similar a**sive relationship, or was the cause of one? How would she feel if her daughter was isolated and controlled?

How would she feel if her son were a**sive to another woman and he was that way because she allowed him to see and accept what the dad did as ok?
How would she feel if her kids were physically or emotionally ally a used or had to watch her bring it???

fuzzyizmit −  You need to set a boundary to protect yourself and your wife, that is fine. I remember reading it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave before an abused person will actually STAY away from their abuser. It is a terrible cycle and many people lose their lives while trapped in it.

BlackStarBlues −  NTA Make sure your wife can’t tap into your savings to “save” your daughter. Set up accounts to require both of your signatures or some such. OAN, I hope your daughter comes to her senses before it’s too late.

SerenityLunaMay −  NTA. You and your wife have gone above and beyond to help her. At some point she has to help herself. There is nothing more you can do. As sad as it is to say, it is pretty common for domestic abuse victims to go back to their abusers more than once until something happens that forces them away.

Whether that is them getting beat so bad, they end up in the hospital, other people witnessing the abuse and calling the cops and them forcing the charges, or sadly when they pass away.

You should recommend therapy for her or that she goes to a shelter and talks to other people who have been through the same thing. If she refuses, then there is nothing left that you can do.

cassowary32 −  NTA. They say it takes an average of 7 tries to leave an a**sive relationship. I’m impressed that your daughter reached out to you soon after the abuse started. Unfortunately, she’s going to have to do the hard work of rebuilding her self esteem and resisting her ex by herself.

It has to be her decision. You and your wife need to talk to a counselor and figure out how to walk the line between empowering your daughter and enabling her while protecting yourselves. Hopefully she doesn’t have a kid with this guy.

Distinct_Wish_1355 −  You could say I won’t support you while you’re with him but when it’s over I’ll be here! And then just keep praying that she finally gets over him. Also, she needs to socialize with more people than her mom and dad or she never will meet another good man.

It’s heartbreaking to see a loved one caught in a cycle of abuse, and the father’s desire to protect his daughter is understandable. Was he wrong for setting boundaries given the situation, or did his approach cause more harm than good? What would you have done in this situation? Share your thoughts below!