AITA for telling my dad’s (almost) ex wife I don’t have to listen to her anymore?
A Redditor recounts a tense confrontation with their dad’s (almost) ex-wife, Helen, following their divorce. Having never been close to Helen or her children, the Redditor (17F) feels no obligation to maintain a relationship with Helen’s kids, even after years of living together.
When Helen attempts to berate her for not attending her child’s birthday and insists on the bond between them as siblings, the Redditor firmly asserts that they never considered themselves family. This exchange escalates as Helen tries to assert her authority, leading the Redditor to declare that she no longer has to listen to her. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for telling my dad’s (almost) ex wife I don’t have to listen to her anymore?’
My dad was married to “Helen” for 7 years. I (17f) was never close to her or to her children (9 & 8). Her kids are not my dad’s kids btw. They’re from her ex but he wasn’t really around so her kids lived with us 100%. Dad had me and my brother (20m). Our mom died when I was 6.
Dad and Helen’s marriage started to fall apart a year ago and he filed for divorce months ago. Helen and her kids moved out. But Helen expected me and my brother to still play a role in the lives of her kids. She said the four of us were siblings after 7 years and we disagreed. We paid her kids much attention or acted like older siblings to them.
They did call us their siblings though. So I know they actually saw me as a sister and my brother as a brother. But we never said siblings. We’d say stepsiblings or Helen’s kids depending on who we talked to. Helen’s youngest had their birthday a couple of weeks ago. Dad wasn’t invited but me and my brother were and we didn’t go.
Helen came to the house the next day while dad was out and tried to berate me but I didn’t open the door. She yelled in at me for a few minutes and left. She called my brother a few times from an unknown number because he blocked her. When she couldn’t get him to answer she found me waking home from school and told me we needed to talk and I told her we don’t, she’s not a part of my life anymore.
She told me her kids don’t deserve to lose their siblings because of a divorce. I told her we were never their siblings. I told her I wasn’t going to pay more attention to them now that her and dad were divorcing than I did during their marriage. She told me I watched them grow up and how could I not adore them. I told her I never paid that much attention to them.
She tried to play the “parent” card and I told her I don’t need to listen to her anymore because she’s not my dad’s wife anymore or won’t be soon. I told her she has no authority over me and she needs to accept it and help her kids accept what’s happened instead of bugging us. She called me cold while I was walking away from her and then she called dad to rant at him about me disrespecting her like that.. AITA?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
CommunityGreat9255 − NTA. There are blood relatives. And then there’s family. Sometimes your blood relatives will be your family. But not always. Sometimes your family is people you share no DNA with, and sometimes your blood relatives are complete strangers to you, by your own choice.
In the situation you describe, it’s possible that you could have developed a close bond with two kids who were not blood relatives. It’s possible. Apparently, that never happened. And nobody can force that connection, no matter how much they might want to. Helen sounds like a real nightmare, and strangely disconnected from reality.
Astroblemes − NTA – she shouldn’t be hunting you down after school because you didn’t go to her kids party. Definitely don’t listen to her and keep her blocked. If she keeps harassing you tell your dad
Backgrounding-Cat − NTA you are 17 so trying to be your parent is not going to go down well no matter what. If this had been the first show down I would have recommended more diplomacy but clearly this is part of a pattern
LouisV25 − NTA. Step bonds are built. Too many people think the act of marriage makes you family. It doesn’t. It makes the couple family. Every one else has to build that bond because family is a relationship. She’s the AH. She doesn’t get to tell you or make you something that you’re not.
Her kids feelings aren’t more important than yours to you. They are more important to her than your feelings. Dad needs to tell her to stay away from you. Brother is an adult, he should TELL HER!
BeachgirlLuci − NTA. She’s acting like she can still play “mom” here, but newsflash: the divorce papers say otherwise. You don’t owe her or her kids anything, especially since you never had that sibling bond in the first place. She’s trying to guilt-trip you into playing a role you never signed up for. Stand your ground.
Tiny_War5975 − NTA. Helen should get her kids in therapy to help them process the divorce instead of using her time to harass you.
thaigoodlife − NTAH- You didn’t invite them into your life- they were placed in your life. It sounds like you were nice enough to them while they were around. Kudos to you. The divorce means they are being removed from your life the same way they came, the process is beyond your control.
It’s not your responsibility to stay in their life. They will get over it. It sounds like it’s a big deal to your ex step-mom but that doesn’t really mean it’s a big deal to her kids. She’s a d**ma queen stirring stuff up. The farth5youcstay away from her and her family the better it will be for you and your dad.
This may also be a way she’s trying to keep a m**ipulative contact. I’d certainly talk to your dad, tell him everything, including asking what his feelings are and then take his advice seriously.
clitsucker78 − If she shows up call cops. Do it every time & get a protection order.
I_wanna_be_anemone − NTA She’s delusional if she didn’t somehow notice you were only reluctantly participating in ‘her family’. You don’t respect her, you don’t love her. The same for her kids. While it’s unfortunate for the children, they’re victims of their mother repeatedly denying reality.
Please keep yourself safe, tell your dad about the stalking and harassment. Then if he’s no help, tell other adults what’s going on. Your safety is paramount. You’ve got important exams on the horizon and need to be able to focus on your education, not his ex.
rottywell − NTA. Came to the house while your father was away? Did you tell your dad this? Also, pro tip. You don’t have to actually even talk to her. Just walk away. She is trying to guilt you into something you have zero interest in. You don’t have to address any of her provocations. She seems to think she has a lot more power than she does. If you keep responding to her she will keep trying to provoke you. Just walk away no matter how many times she tries.
Was the Redditor justified in standing firm about their relationship with Helen and her children, or did they cross a line in their response? How would you navigate a situation where family dynamics change due to a divorce? Share your thoughts below!