AITA for telling my dad he chose between me and his fiancée when he prioritized her surgery over mine?

A 17-year-old (f) has struggled with an absentee father since his divorce, where he became more involved with his fiancée and their child. She was diagnosed with scoliosis and needed surgery, for which she had hoped her dad would be there.

However, when her surgery date arrived, her dad prioritized his fiancée’s lung cancer surgery, leaving her heartbroken. She texted him, expressing her hurt and frustration about his repeated absences and lack of support, telling him that if he chose not to be her father, she would be okay with it. He hasn’t responded. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my dad he chose between me and his fiancée when he prioritized her surgery over mine?’

I(17f) have had a rocky relationship with my dad. My parents married after I was born, hoping to provide a stable family for me, but they divorced when I was 11 after my dad went to rehab, & things only worsened from there. During rehab, he met his current fiancée, and they later had a kid(6F).

Since then, my dad has been mostly absent from my life—whenever I have important events, he either has an excuse or doesn’t show. I’d estimate he’s been present for less than half of my events since their divorce. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, & initially, surgery wasn’t needed.

However, my condition got worse, & I was finally scheduled for surgery on 11/20 of this year. I told my dad about it months ago, expressing how much I needed his support this time, & he promised he’d be there.

But later, he texted to say he’d planned a vacation that would keep him away until mid-December, just as my recovery period would be ending. It broke my heart, but I accepted it. Then, 2 hurricanes hit his vacation spot, & he told me he’d make my surgery. I felt a glimmer of hope.

But then, just a week before my surgery, he texted again saying his fiancée’s lung cancer surgery had been scheduled for the same day, a few hours before mine, at a hospital 30 minutes away. He said he “might not” make it to my surgery, but with him, “might not” usually means “won’t.”

He added that this wasn’t about who he loved more. That message shattered me. I realized that no matter how much I hoped, he might never give me the attention & support I needed. I broke down on my kitchen floor that day. After sitting with my feelings, I texted him to tell him how deeply his actions hurt me.

I said it wasn’t only about love but about showing care, & that he’d given me hope only to let me down again. I questioned if his fiancée’s surgery had really been scheduled last minute, or if he had known earlier but hadn’t told me. I asked him to show he was my dad through his actions, not just his words.

He responded, insisting the surgery was only scheduled the day he’d told me. But because he’s lied in the past to save face, I reached out to someone who might know the truth. I then sent a follow-up message, clarifying that my frustration wasn’t with his fiancée;

it was with his ongoing absence & lack of support. I said that even if his reasons were genuine, he could have at least shown some empathy. I told him I hoped he’d be a better father for my half-sister than he has been for me.

In a final message, I made it clear that I was done putting in all the effort to maintain our relationship on my own. I told him that if he wanted to be my dad, I would gladly be his daughter, but if he chose not to, I would be fine with that too.

He hasn’t responded, & honestly, I’d prefer he sit with what I’ve said. For once, I hope he really thinks about his actions & the impact they’ve had on me.. So, AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Chilling_Storm −  Girl, you father hasn’t shown up for you your entire life, what makes you think he is going to do it now, and furthermore, why do you allow him to have that power over you? He is not your ‘father’ he is the male who impregnated your mother. Stop elevating him to father status.

This man is going to support the person who he is making his life with, not the child he walked away from years ago. He doesn’t prioritize you, and he never will – no matter what words he uses or promises he makes. Good luck with your surgery and focus on your recovery.

Betalisa −  Lung cancer surgery for fiancée trumps daughter-who-still-has-mom scoliosis surgery, but otherwise, from what you’ve said about his reliability, NTA.  Maybe send fiancée a note wishing her luck, and if it was a lie, shirt will hit the fan… (And best wishes to you for a speedy recovery!)

eculcheen −  A wise friend of mine once said “how many times are you going to keep returning to the empty well for water?” I think you have already had your answer and I am so sorry it isn’t what anyone would prefer. Maybe stick with the people who DO show up for you.

fairtytalegamer −  I’m so sorry your dad is not there for you. There is nothing that would take precedent over my child having surgery. I love my husband, but if they were both having surgery at the same time, there is no question that I would be with my son. No question.

Routine_Anything3726 −  Lung cancer vs Scoliosis… I think I’d also choose the gf in this case?

BCKane −  INFO. How do you have a spur of the moment lung cancer surgery? How would you logically be planning on going on a vacation for multiple weeks if you are at the stage where they could rush you into lung cancer surgery? I must be getting the timeline mixed up here because lung cancer surgery isn’t schedule like this where I’m from.

banjadev −  NTA – Part of growing up is learning to accept people for who they are. When we feel upset or hurt by someone, it’s often because they’re acting in ways that don’t align with how we *think* they should behave. People will always be who they are, not who we imagine or need them to be.

When we go down the path of expecting someone to fulfill our idealized version of them, we end up making it about ourselves. Your father will never be the supportive figure you’re hoping for. Full stop. Accept that and move on.

It’s painful, but holding onto anger because he can’t be what you need will only hurt you in the end. This is a tough life lesson that takes many people a long time to understand and accept. I had to do this with both of my parents.

The moment I realized *I* was the one continually chasing my expectations of who I wanted them to be, I let go. Life became infinitely better. Good luck with your surgery. You will ace this one.

notsosprite −  Having to choose between two surgeries is s**tty but as you said: it’s not about whose surgery he chooses to go to but the fact that he has let you down for years.

You are NTA of course (I think it’s very mature of you to not hold grudges against his fiancée) but please don’t be an AH to yourself and keep waiting for him to father and man up. He’s shown you what he has to offer. It’s pathetically little and you deserve more. But unfortunately you will never get that from him.

Independent_Prior612 −  NTA for how you feel about your dad’s consistent absence from your life. However. When looking solely at the choice between the two surgeries. In a vacuum. All else in life being hunky dory. I know it’s hard to hear but I do believe he made the right call.

You are 17 so I am going to be very adult about this with you. It’s entirely possible he is her medical decision maker, which would mean he HAS to be there at least until she is out of anesthesia. In the worst case scenario, these decisions will include whether to allow her life to end.

Which, let’s be honest, they’re operating on her lung so that’s a very real concern. Because you are a minor, your mom will be on site for those kinds of decisions about your surgery.

Again. I don’t blame you for feeling how you do about the entire history. But on this specific decision, standing all on its own, I don’t really think he has a choice.

Maleficent-Menu8066 −  I had questionable scans come back on my lungs and I was in for a biopsy 2 days later. It could be last minute. Somebody has to watch the 6 yr old and at least drive the fiancé to and from the procedure. I think you chose the wrong hill to die on here, this time doesn’t seem to merit all of this. Scoliosis is a serious surgery but Lung cancer can be terminal.

While your feelings of hurt and abandonment are completely valid, expressing them in such an emotionally charged way might have come off as final and accusatory, leaving little room for reconciliation. It’s understandable that you feel betrayed by your dad’s choices, but addressing the issue with him in a way that encourages dialogue might have been more constructive. What do you think? share your thoughts below!