AITA for telling my coworkers that I didn’t want to go to dinner with them again because I prefer my wife’s company to theirs?
A Redditor recounts a frustrating experience at a work conference where he felt pressured to attend a final dinner with coworkers. Despite his preference for spending the evening with his wife, whom he loves dearly, he faced backlash from colleagues and his boss for wanting to prioritize his personal time over a supposed tradition. Read the original story below to see how this situation unfolds and whether the user’s desire to maintain boundaries was unreasonable.
‘ AITA for telling my coworkers that I didn’t want to go to dinner with them again because I prefer my wife’s company to theirs?’
Unfortunately, I \[47M\] was roped into going to a work conference recently. I am a remote worker, but sadly I was told that I needed to attend a conference that many of my coworkers go to each year due to how integral my duties were to this year’s presentation, I suppose.
I am not buddy-buddy with any of my coworkers or my boss, but I am professional with them. This was the first work conference I had ever been to, so I did not realize how much these things consume the entirety of the time spent there.
The first three nights of the conference there were different dinners I “had” to attend after typical work hours and when over 8 hours had been spent doing work related things at the conference already. Now, I don’t really mind attending the actual conference *that* much, what I mind is the expectation that I spend any more time with my colleagues than necessary.
In my opinion, if I’ve spent 8:30 – 5 at a work conference with coworkers attending work-related sessions and giving a work-related presentation, past 5 o’clock I am no longer “at work.” I was already rather peeved that this was not the expectation at the start, but I was at least informed of these three different formal/scheduled dinners once the conference schedule was released.
The fourth and final night of the conference I expected would be completely mine because there was no conference-wide scheduled dinner. As such, the night before when I called my wife, I asked her if she wanted to eat dinner together (i.e. video call each other and eat together, then spend as many hours as possible chatting before going to bed), and she said that sounded lovely.
We made plans to call at 7 our time (6 where the conference was), and I was really looking forward to it, as obviously I love her and her company. Unfortunately, at lunch on the final day of the conference, my coworkers (my boss included) mentioned going to a specific restaurant.
They asked if I was excited to go, and I said I was not going, but I hoped they enjoyed themselves. They acted like I smacked them, and asked what I meant. I told them I’d made plans to call my wife and eat dinner with her. I was then informed that, apparently, there is some tradition of all my coworkers eating dinner together the last night.
I said I wasn’t informed and we had already eaten dinner together every other night, but I hoped they enjoyed themselves. My boss then said it was something I had to attend, then some of my coworkers agreed and said it was an important part of the conference.
I told my boss and coworkers that it was outside work hours, unpaid, and not scheduled, plus I prefer my wife’s company to theirs, so I was not going. They then told me I was being rude and an a**hole, and that I should have expected that we would all dine together the final night. I said that was ridiculous, but my boss implied that not attending would have repercussions, so I called my wife and apologized to her, and sadly attended this stupid dinner. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Cultural_Section_862 − incredibly naive but NTA, that’s how confrences go. more career moves are made at those dinners than in the conference room believe it or not
Kvxyo − I want to say NAH but just want to also point out you’re slowly burning bridges and causing dramas that may impact your professional career all for the sake of 1 evening. S**k it up, you are a remote worker so you barely have to deal with colleagues except for these rare occasions.
CajunKC − NAH giving you the benefit of the doubt since this was your first work conference. Basic dowlow: this is what these conferences are generally like, at least every single one I’ve been to over a 30 year career. Especially the out of town ones….dinners and lunches with coworkers and probably the boss every day. This is your chance to “network” in a forced setting. Welcome to the corporate world!
DoraTheUrbanExplorer − Soft YTA. Yeah it sucks being a salaried employee and having to travel in and do all this social crap. I’m a remote employee too so I can really feel where you’re coming from. That being said- you’re a remote employee.
This was an opportunity for you to network, show you’re a human, team player etc. Lots of older execs don’t like remote work hence why they do these silly week long in office type things. They’re happy they get to see you’re real, and you get to keep working from home.
Your little stunt might have cost you a future promotion as now you don’t look like a team player at all and you aren’t taking the little time you have to get to know your co workers face to face. Obviously you’d rather hang out with your wife- but telling them that was an AH move. Best of luck OP. Hope they don’t hold it against you!
Wandering_aimlessly9 − YTA. Here’s the thing…conferences like that s**k. The dinners are over the top with mediocre food usually. It’s stressful. It’s exhausting. But…it’s part of the gig. It’s more networking, going over strategies and discussing what worked and maybe what didn’t work. Totally not the a for not knowing this but demanding to get out of it makes you one.
Worth_Ad5418 − So…ESH, because I can understand the frustration with a job infringing on your personal life. It’s a little gross to think that’s a company “expectation.” But realistically, you might have really damaged your career here. It sounds like your delivery must have been relatively harsh, considering the strong reactions you mentioned. Whether it’s “right” or not, it’s likely going to impact how your boss and coworkers see you. Edit: Your username is a little funny in light of the situation
Due-While5294 − NTA. Completely unrelated but I love the way you love your wife, your relationship sounds amazing.
[Reddit User] − Soft YTA. I’m not sure how you got this far not knowing this is par the course for conferences. Not an insult…genuinely curious. This was a time to network and build relationships which is the true benefit of these confences. Yes….it sucks but you can’t change the rules from the bottom. You may have just hurt any future chances at advancement.
allowedtobe_happy − NTA – people need to accept that these workplace “bonding” experiences are painful for some people. I hated the Xmas lunches with every fibre and eventually started to say no. Everyone was unhappy about it, but f**k it. I don’t owe you my time, you’re not paying me
pbd1996 − YTA. You were correct in what you said… but it was an a**hole-y thing to say. Sometimes you have to filter the s**t you say and not be SO direct. A simple “I’m not feeling well” would’ve been a way better to get out of that dinner. Better yet “I think I have food poisoning from last night’s dinner” lol.
Do you think the user was right to prioritize his time with his wife over the dinner with coworkers, or should he have participated in the group tradition? How do you balance work expectations with personal commitments in similar situations? Share your thoughts below!