AITA for telling my brother’s fiancé that we don’t owe her a family?

A woman (25) struggles with her stepbrother Nico’s fiancée, Jenny, who grew up in foster care and is eager to build immediate, close bonds with Nico’s family. Despite their efforts to welcome Jenny, her pushy behavior—like inserting herself into disputes and calling their parents “Mom and Dad” against their wishes—caused growing frustration.

Tensions boiled over when Jenny invited herself to a family trip, prompting the sister to say, “Marrying Nico doesn’t mean we owe you a family.” This upset Jenny, and Nico is now upset with his sister for what he considers an overly harsh comment.

Although the family feels justified, the sister wonders if she crossed a line and considers apologizing to avoid hurting their relationship with Nico.

‘ AITA for telling my brother’s fiancé that we don’t owe her a family?’

My (F25) (step)brother Nico (29) has recently got engaged to a woman called Jenny after dating for two years. We all tried to welcome Jenny, especially knowing that she grew up in the foster care system and didn’t have family. We tried to get to know her, but she seemed to want an instant intimate connection rather than building one.

Me and my younger (step) sister Chelsea (22) bore the brunt of her neediness but our parents have also expressed concerns. Since she met us she has been trying to insert herself into pictures, family disputes, and social events. She has no boundaries.

We’ve all talked to Nico about it so many times, even sitting him down as a family and he keeps saying he will talk to her but nothing changes, and it’s got worse since the engagement.

She tried to make me her Maid of Honour, demanded my mother throw her a bridal shower, started calling my parents Mom and Dad even though they asked her not to, and reached out to distant family members that we don’t even talk to to tell them about the engagement.

Last week we were all (Chelsea, Nico, me, and our partners) staying at our parents’ place. Jenny, Nico, and my bf were the only ones not up yet and the rest of us were in the kitchen. Chelsea, my mum, and I were talking about taking a weekend trip.

Jenny came in, having overheard us, saying it sounded like fun and proceeded to invite herself along. I was pretty annoyed by this and said she couldn’t just invite herself. Jenny said why wouldn’t she be invited, and I said because marrying Nico doesn’t give you a blanket invite to every single thing all his family does.

Jenny got upset and said she would really like to be included in our family, since it was the only one she knows and she doesn’t have a proper family. I said I know that and we all sympathise but that doesn’t mean we owe you a new one. The whole room was silent and Jenny got up and went back upstairs.

She didn’t come out the rest of the day but Nico came down to chew me out over what I said. Our parents defended me saying he had an opportunity to talk to Jenny and he didn’t. He and Jenny left the same day and he’s now only keeping low level contact with everyone.

When I’ve spoken to him since he’s just said I went way too low with what I said to Jenny and that I’ve set her back mentally and that she’s really down. I do feel bad, but I also feel like Jenny has been overstepping.

We are all open to a relationship with her (we all have good relationships with partners in the family) but she never really made a genuine effort to build relationships with us, she just decided she was e**titled to them, which I think isn’t fair.

I don’t know if I should reach out to Nico or Jenny with a more fervent apology, which I will if I have really screwed up here. I don’t want to be the reason Nico stops talking to us. I just feel like he dropped the ball by letting it get to this point.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

diminishingpatience ( Top 1 ) says

he’s just said I went way too low with what I said. So what does he suggest you should have said?

We’ve all talked to Nico about it so many times, even sitting him down as a family and he keeps saying he will talk to her but nothing changes, and it’s got worse since the engagement. Nothing. He wants everyone to say nothing. NTA.

south3y ( Top 2 ) says

Well, Jenny was just going to keep pushing until *someone* pushed back, so this moment was more-or-less inevitable. You named the elephant in the room: Jenny’s neediness, which your whole family had noticed.

I don’t know whether Nico failed to talk to her in private, or whether he did and she failed to heed his warnings. I also don’t know if getting to join what she perceived as a close-knit family is a large part of what makes Nico attractive to her.

But I do know that your comment stung deeply, and Jenny won’t stop feeling it for a *long* time. It’s not impossible that this precipitates a break-up between Nico and Jenny, and if it does, it is highly likely that the blame is going to come your way, so an apology is in your strategic interest, regardless of whether your comment was justified, or not.

I think my final vote is going to be ESH; Jenny for being pushy, Nico for not warning her that her pushing wasn’t going unnoticed, and you for saying something really wounding.

Fit_Permit ( Top 3 ) says

NAH. I can not blame you for snapping and I can not blame Jenny for wanting a close family. Growing up in the way she did can result in an intense longing for connection and safety and a lack of proper communication skills.

She shouldn’t insert herself in everyones business like that, but she also seems to not understand why. I hope she and your brother can work through that together.
On the other hand, I completely understand that it feels very invasive if someone does this to you, even if you understand where they are coming from.

The way you said it was a bit harsh, but I assume tension has been building up over time. I do think its good to talk it out with her oncr all the emotions have settled and I hope your brother can facilitate the process.

She needs to learn the nuance of being welcome, but not overstepping boundaries and it not being a sign of people not caring about you.

l3ex_G ( Top 4 ) says

How would you have wanted her to build a relationship? It sounds like she was trying

FewTourist4150 ( Top 5 ) says

If she’s engaged to him why would she need to “insert herself” into family pictures, isn’t she just part of the family? When she tried to make you her maid of honor does that mean she asked you? There’s some stuff here that has some subtext of you all just being mean. Did your family not like that he was dating someone “without a family”?

Striking-Company3175 ( Top 6 ) says

I guess the AH here is Nico. He didnt tell her wife that making family relationship doesnt work that way. Jenny didnt know and only do what she can to feel having family. I feel her. But maybe if you have more compassion tell her that family didnt work that way.

HappySparklyUnicorn ( Top 7 ) says

I had to double check how long they were dating for since I expected this to be a quick courtship. NTA. I sympathize with her but your brother has had his chances to talk to her and either he’s not actually talking to her or it isn’t actually sinking in.

I do feel a bit sorry for her with her wanting you to be MoH. It must be awkward not to have a strong friend/family base who can help out with things especially since she wants it so bad but it has to happen organically.. it can’t be forced or fast tracked unless there is mutual trauma that affects both you and her.

realshockvaluecola ( Top 8 ) says

NAH, maybe the lightest of Y-T-As. You weren’t wrong, but you could have been gentler. The real issue is that it’s obvious that Jenny doesn’t KNOW how to build a relationship gradually — this is very much an effect of growing up in foster care.

I mean, it was true of me and I didn’t even grow up in foster care, I just grew up in a weird crappy family environment. Doing this kind of thing gradually is a skill that a person has to learn, and no one taught her. That’s not her fault. I think it might benefit everyone here if you don’t think of her as e**titled, but instead as naive.

The good news is that naivete is much easier to fix than entitlement! It’s a skill she hasn’t learned and people learn new skills all the time. Has anyone considered actually talking to her or trying to teach her instead of putting it all on Nico?

I’m not saying it’s necessarily your *responsibility* to teach her, but when it comes to family, as long as we’re not talking about abuse it’s generally better not to die on the hill of whose responsibility it is to fix something and just get to fixing it.

chronberries ( Top 9 ) says

As an only child, I can relate to Jenny. I don’t try to insert myself into my wife’s family like Jenny is, but I really can understand where she’s coming from. Some families are more in line with what she imagined. My mother in law acts like she’s my mom, and I doubt I know her much better than Jenny knows yours.

I’ve had girlfriends in the past (not a spouse, just a girlfriend) who’s siblings or cousins fully embraced me as part of the family, pretty much the reverse of what Jenny is doing. NTA because you guys are allowed to live your own way. But maybe cut her some slack. If she’s acting like one of the family, just roll with it.

Unless there are some other problems you haven’t mentioned, there’s no harm in humoring her most of the time, especially if it leads to a deeper connection.

CherryTry ( Top 10 ) says

Idk dude… I kinda think YTA and your family is too? Like where I come from, when you marry in, you’re family? You said she didn’t make an effort to know you, but it sounds like she’s making lots of effort to know you. She’s trying to spend time with you, she’s asking you questions about yourself etc but she’s not good at it.

So maybe since you see she would like to be involved and included you could try to get to know her instead of telling your brother to put her in her place. Is there a reason you all want to keep her at arms length or do you just s**ck?