AITA for telling my brother’s fiancé that we don’t owe her a family?
A woman (25) struggles with her stepbrother Nico’s fiancée, Jenny, who grew up in foster care and is eager to build immediate, close bonds with Nico’s family. Despite their efforts to welcome Jenny, her pushy behavior—like inserting herself into disputes and calling their parents “Mom and Dad” against their wishes—caused growing frustration.
Tensions boiled over when Jenny invited herself to a family trip, prompting the sister to say, “Marrying Nico doesn’t mean we owe you a family.” This upset Jenny, and Nico is now upset with his sister for what he considers an overly harsh comment.
Although the family feels justified, the sister wonders if she crossed a line and considers apologizing to avoid hurting their relationship with Nico.
‘ AITA for telling my brother’s fiancé that we don’t owe her a family?’
My (F25) (step)brother Nico (29) has recently got engaged to a woman called Jenny after dating for two years. We all tried to welcome Jenny, especially knowing that she grew up in the foster care system and didn’t have family.
We tried to get to know her, but she seemed to want an instant intimate connection rather than building one. Me and my younger (step) sister Chelsea (22) bore the brunt of her neediness but our parents have also expressed concerns.
Since she met us she has been trying to insert herself into pictures, family disputes, and social events. She has no boundaries. We’ve all talked to Nico about it so many times, even sitting him down as a family and he keeps saying he will talk to her but nothing changes, and it’s got worse since the engagement.
She tried to make me her Maid of Honour, demanded my mother throw her a bridal shower, started calling my parents Mom and Dad even though they asked her not to, and reached out to distant family members that we don’t even talk to to tell them about the engagement.
Last week we were all (Chelsea, Nico, me, and our partners) staying at our parents’ place. Jenny, Nico, and my bf were the only ones not up yet and the rest of us were in the kitchen. Chelsea, my mum, and I were talking about taking a weekend trip. Jenny came in, having overheard us, saying it sounded like fun and proceeded to invite herself along.
I was pretty annoyed by this and said she couldn’t just invite herself. Jenny said why wouldn’t she be invited, and I said because marrying Nico doesn’t give you a blanket invite to every single thing all his family does. Jenny got upset and said she would really like to be included in our family, since it was the only one she knows and she doesn’t have a proper family.
I said I know that and we all sympathise but that doesn’t mean we owe you a new one. The whole room was silent and Jenny got up and went back upstairs. She didn’t come out the rest of the day but Nico came down to chew me out over what I said. Our parents defended me saying he had an opportunity to talk to Jenny and he didn’t.
He and Jenny left the same day and he’s now only keeping low level contact with everyone. When I’ve spoken to him since he’s just said I went way too low with what I said to Jenny and that I’ve set her back mentally and that she’s really down. I do feel bad, but I also feel like Jenny has been overstepping.
We are all open to a relationship with her (we all have good relationships with partners in the family) but she never really made a genuine effort to build relationships with us, she just decided she was entitled to them, which I think isn’t fair.
I don’t know if I should reach out to Nico or Jenny with a more fervent apology, which I will if I have really screwed up here. I don’t want to be the reason Nico stops talking to us. I just feel like he dropped the ball by letting it get to this point.
Edit – okay I’m adding this because I thought it was implied but maybe not. We do push back when Jenny is being intrusive. I can’t count how many times I have said “Jenny I’m not comfortable talking about my s** life/therapy/medication etc… It’s really personal, can we just change the subject”.
We move on from the conversation but the next time I talk to her it’s back to square one. Same with my parents, they politely ask her not to call them mom and dad, and she stops for the duration of that conversation, and then starts again next time. We’ve never had a more in depth conversation with her, we offered, and Nico said no, he would talk to her.
Edit 2: for everyone saying I should consider Jenny family because she’s engaged to Nico, that isn’t what I meant with that comment. I commented this elsewhere but I’m copying because it encapsulates when I was trying to get across.
I never said or meant that she isn’t part of the family. I guess what I meant with what I said was, you can’t parachute yourself in and expect us to be the family you deserve. Because the family every person deserves is one with their mom and their dad and it’s happy and it’s from birth, and you don’t have do anything to earn it.
Sadly, not everyone gets that. I know I didn’t. And I know how much it must s**k for her to feel like she has to work for what other people got for free. I have a s**tty bio dad, so I kind of know. You think “why do I have to be good and clever and kind and a million other things to have a good family while all anyone else has to do is just be born”, and it’s the worst.
But when you come into a family that already exists that’s the way it is. They learn to love you and it takes time. My stepdad didn’t love me the second he met me, or love me just because he loved my mom, he got to know me, and figured out who I was as a person and he loved me for me.
We wanted to have that opportunity with Jenny. And maybe that doesn’t feel good enough for her and I guess it’s not really fair that she doesn’t have the other kind of unconditional love but I don’t think that’s up to us, or anyone, to fix.
That’s just my view.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
diminishingpatience − he’s just said I went way too low with what I said. So what does he suggest you should have said? We’ve all talked to Nico about it so many times, even sitting him down as a family and he keeps saying he will talk to her but nothing changes, and it’s got worse since the engagement.
Nothing. He wants everyone to say nothing. NTA.
south3y − Well, Jenny was just going to keep pushing until *someone* pushed back, so this moment was more-or-less inevitable. You named the elephant in the room: Jenny’s neediness, which your whole family had noticed.
I don’t know whether Nico failed to talk to her in private, or whether he did and she failed to heed his warnings. I also don’t know if getting to join what she perceived as a close-knit family is a large part of what makes Nico attractive to her.
But I do know that your comment stung deeply, and Jenny won’t stop feeling it for a *long* time. It’s not impossible that this precipitates a break-up between Nico and Jenny, and if it does, it is highly likely that the blame is going to come your way, so an apology is in your strategic interest, regardless of whether your comment was justified, or not.
I think my final vote is going to be ESH; Jenny for being pushy, Nico for not warning her that her pushing wasn’t going unnoticed, and you for saying something really wounding.
Fit_Permit − NAH. I can not blame you for snapping and I can not blame Jenny for wanting a close family. Growing up in the way she did can result in an intense longing for connection and safety and a lack of proper communication skills.
She shouldn’t insert herself in everyones business like that, but she also seems to not understand why. I hope she and your brother can work through that together.
On the other hand, I completely understand that it feels very invasive if someone does this to you, even if you understand where they are coming from. The way you said it was a bit harsh, but I assume tension has been building up over time.
I do think its good to talk it out with her oncr all the emotions have settled and I hope your brother can facilitate the process. She needs to learn the nuance of being welcome, but not overstepping boundaries and it not being a sign of people not caring about you.
l3ex_G − How would you have wanted her to build a relationship? It sounds like she was trying.
FewTourist4150 − If she’s engaged to him why would she need to “insert herself” into family pictures, isn’t she just part of the family? When she tried to make you her maid of honor does that mean she asked you?
There’s some stuff here that has some subtext of you all just being mean. Did your family not like that he was dating someone “without a family”?
Striking-Company3175 − I guess the AH here is Nico. He didnt tell her wife that making family relationship doesnt work that way. Jenny didnt know and only do what she can to feel having family. I feel her. But maybe if you have more compassion tell her that family didnt work that way.
HappySparklyUnicorn − I had to double check how long they were dating for since I expected this to be a quick courtship. NTA. I sympathize with her but your brother has had his chances to talk to her and either he’s not actually talking to her or it isn’t actually sinking in.
I do feel a bit sorry for her with her wanting you to be MoH. It must be awkward not to have a strong friend/family base who can help out with things especially since she wants it so bad but it has to happen organically.. it can’t be forced or fast tracked unless there is mutual trauma that affects both you and her.
realshockvaluecola − NAH, maybe the lightest of Y-T-As. You weren’t wrong, but you could have been gentler.
The real issue is that it’s obvious that Jenny doesn’t KNOW how to build a relationship gradually — this is very much an effect of growing up in foster care.
I mean, it was true of me and I didn’t even grow up in foster care, I just grew up in a weird crappy family environment. Doing this kind of thing gradually is a skill that a person has to learn, and no one taught her. That’s not her fault. I think it might benefit everyone here if you don’t think of her as entitled, but instead as naive.
The good news is that naivete is much easier to fix than entitlement! It’s a skill she hasn’t learned and people learn new skills all the time. Has anyone considered actually talking to her or trying to teach her instead of putting it all on Nico?
I’m not saying it’s necessarily your *responsibility* to teach her, but when it comes to family, as long as we’re not talking about abuse it’s generally better not to die on the hill of whose responsibility it is to fix something and just get to fixing it.
chronberries − As an only child, I can relate to Jenny. I don’t try to insert myself into my wife’s family like Jenny is, but I really can understand where she’s coming from.
Some families are more in line with what she imagined. My mother in law acts like she’s my mom, and I doubt I know her much better than Jenny knows yours. I’ve had girlfriends in the past (not a spouse, just a girlfriend) who’s siblings or cousins fully embraced me as part of the family, pretty much the reverse of what Jenny is doing.
NTA because you guys are allowed to live your own way. But maybe cut her some slack. If she’s acting like one of the family, just roll with it. Unless there are some other problems you haven’t mentioned, there’s no harm in humoring her most of the time, especially if it leads to a deeper connection.
CherryTry − Idk dude… I kinda think YTA and your family is too? Like where I come from, when you marry in, you’re family? You said she didn’t make an effort to know you, but it sounds like she’s making lots of effort to know you.
She’s trying to spend time with you, she’s asking you questions about yourself etc but she’s not good at it. So maybe since you see she would like to be involved and included you could try to get to know her instead of telling your brother to put her in her place.
Is there a reason you all want to keep her at arms length or do you just s**k?
What’s your take—was the sister justified, or should she have handled it differently? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Your brother probably has no idea how to discuss the subject with her, so just didn’t. This young woman has no idea how to ‘build’ a relaionship, she’s been thrust into families that probably immediately assure her she is ‘part of a family now’. For goodness sakes, give her a break! When she asked you to be MOH she was doing you an honor-your treated it as ‘crossing a boundry’. Either you or your Mom should sit down with her and tell her how to
‘build’ a relationship. Be loving and understanding-NOT judgemental and condeming. You had a great chance to teach this young woman a life lesson that would ease her way in the world and instead you treated her like and obstreporous puppy that annoys you.
I don’t think she was feeling wntitled, rather, she was probably excited to be part of what she thought was a loving and closed-knit family since she never had one. She’s been dating Nico for 2years and then they got engaged. I would think that would’ve been enough time for her to be regarded as “part pf the family”. If she really insisted in going despite you telling her nicely that the trip is actually a bonding moment between Mother and daughters and no in-laws allowed then I would say she was definitely in the wrong but basing it only with what was stated, I feel like the family maybe nitpicking and a bit biased😥
Yta- Jenny is ready to marry Nico and to give her heart not only to him but the family. You never said she was mean. You said she was annoying and family can be annoying but still deserves love and forgiveness. She’s trying to make bonds and memories with you and you’re view of what she’s doing is very mean girl. Did it ever occur to you that your treating her like an annoying younger sibling who wants to tag along? Maybe the things she wants to go be a part of with you aren’t even that fun to her and she just values the time spent together. Have a heart and try harder to see things from her perspective
Your family sounds self-centered. It’s all about your family and your comfort
zones. There is no greater gift than love. Try putting yourself in her shoes. May it a point to reach out, include, and make Jenny a part of your family. Even if you’re introverts you can reach out to take Jenny to lunch or shopping, etc. individually. Initiated conversations where you listen to Jenny and purpose to hear her heart. If she’s a real downer when she’s around, have compassion for depression and loneliness, etc. Share your personal struggles and how you overcame. Jenny needs a tribe. Purpose to be her tribe and her champions – even if it doesn’t come natural and you have to work at it.
The sister and her family are the jerks. Why would you not welcome this young lady into the family? You’re about as warm as a slug on a sidewalk. Good for your brother shutting you out.
Nope NTA she needs to back off and allow her role in the family to build gradually it isn’t your or your family’s job to create her family aspect and while you sympathize what she is doing is completely overbearing and forceful it’s gross and overwhelming your family isn’t her family she will be married in but her role isn’t what she’s trying to force down everyone’s throat and she should be ashamed and embarrassed of herself no one owes her a family and it’s very disturbing and disgusting how she’s forced herself in like that
I sympathize with Jenny and her wanting to belong. Her social skills may be a bit lacking due to her upbringing. It’s it possible that you could invite her to family counseling with you? Find a counselor that understands the dynamic and can help you both learn to understand each others perspective and grow your relationship.
It does sound like she’s hoping you’ll embrace her, but you are going out of your way to block her. If you want to be recognized as being a good and descent family, then be one. She shouldn’t have to beg to be accepted. Shame on you for not being a better person.
Maybe if you ask her to go anywhere at all, she’d really start to feel like a part of the family.
It comes across like you don’t think she measures up.
Again, shame on you.
Yeah, YTA. She is making an effort to be part of the family, she cares and wants you all in her life. Would it be better if she was starting drama, complaint, avoiding all family events? Maybe she didn’t go about it the way YOU would have, or would have preferred, but it isn’t like she did anything malicious.
You and your family are definitely the AHs.
How mean!! This woman is trying to connect with you and your family and you are pushing her away, despite knowing that yours is the only family she has. Wow – I would not want to marry into your family.
YTA. She is marrying into your family so she is your family. You have an issue because things are changing in YOUR family dynamics and you want to keep status quo by keeping her at arms length. a little empathy and show of love goes a long way. Imagine someone who has no one to call their own, finally found the dream guy who has such a strong loving family, and you say something so shitty like that. You suck big time and i can just imagine you already, pretty, solid foundation, and a mean streak a mile away.
You and your entire family are tah. No sympathy or natural feelings for someone you say is going to be part of your family? She tried, you all failed. Hopefully your step brother has a better family on the other side.