AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop smoking inside after previously allowing him to do so?

A 25-year-old man (OP) moved in with his 27-year-old boyfriend, who is a smoker. OP had previously accepted that his boyfriend smoked inside his own apartment and allowed him to continue smoking inside their shared home.

However, after living together for a few weeks, OP started to regret the decision because the smell of cigarettes on his clothes and belongings became overwhelming.

OP asked his boyfriend to smoke outside or at a window, but his boyfriend refused, citing their prior agreement. OP is conflicted and wondering if he is in the wrong for asking his boyfriend to change this habit. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop smoking inside after previously allowing him to do so?’

I (25, m) moved together with my boyfriend (27) after dating for over a year. He has been a smoker for many years already and he was smoking in his own apartment that he had when I met him already,

and I must say it has never been a problem for me and I always accepted that because I viewed it as part of his identity and didn’t want him to feel like he has to change in his own four walls.

While planning to move together he obviously asked me if he could continue smoking inside, after doing it for years he just couldn’t imagine something else and due to my love for him I allowed him to continue smoking inside.

Because of this we picked an apartment without balcony since he wouldn’t need it and it was much cheaper. Now after a few weeks I’m startet to regret my decision. It’s such a difference permanently living in a smoker household than just visiting one a few times a week for a few hours.

During those visits it really never bothered me but now it’s suddenly starting to bother me. Even though I’m a non smoker, the health aspect isn’t what bothers me the most, it’s more about the smell that my clothes and pretty much everything I own has now.

I definitely underestimated the situation. Previously when visiting him it were just a few clothes of mine that had the smell of cigarettes but it faded after a few hours or days when I got home.

I told him about my feelings and asked him if he may smoke outside or at a window from now on but he got mad and said no since I previously allowed him to smoke inside and that was what we agreed on when choosing this apartment.

I understand his point of view but I wish he also understood mine. I love him and I don’t want such a basic topic tear us apart.. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Street_Carrot_7442 −  NAH This isn’t a basic topic or uncomplicated. You did tell him it was ok so I get why he’d be upset. Smoking inside is vile and I guarantee you smell like smoke all day when out and that’s never nice when you don’t even smoke.

kurokomainu −  NAH He asked you in the planning stage, but you didn’t really understand what you were getting into. It’s understandable that he’s put out as he could have chosen to move in with you or not under a “no smoking inside rule” but now he is stuck and facing a more difficult choice.

You didn’t realize the realities of living with a smoker and when they hit you it’s understandable for you to have second thoughts.
As a compromise for the moment, perhaps you could get one (or more) of those air purifiers that removes odors (one that sends out negative ions into the air would be best).

Could he restrict smoking to one room? Long-term you may have to make a more difficult choice (and you really should factor in second-hand smoke’s impact on your health too).

Hyrawk −  NAH – I understand if he is frustrated because he might wanted to have a balcony then but you have the right to change your mind, especially about this. Smoking is so invasive of YOUR personal space.

The smoke goes everywhere and the smell gets into clothes and stays. You will reek of cigarettes forever and no laundry detergent will put an end to it. Sorry to be a bit dramatic but I find the cigarette smell awful and I am a former smoker. I just always made sure never to smoke inside.. Also it might stain your walls.

undertow25 −  I’m a smoker. I don’t smoke inside, that’s disgusting.

Ursabearitone −  It’s okay to change your mind. Just understand that it may also change your living situation. He agreed to move in under a condition, one you didn’t fully understand and no longer want. He might not want to live together if that condition changes.

And you might not want to live with him if that condition doesn’t change. No one is in the wrong here. Just be honest, and communicate your feelings. You may need to look for a new place together that has a balcony. Or you may need to just live separately.

Fair warning though. This is a smell you’ll be dealing with the entire time you’re with him. And it’s an addiction that’s hard to quit. You may need to learn to accept it if you really want to be with him.. NAH

mness1201 −  Esh / nah- I’m torn- on one hand, a smoker even asking to smoke inside a house shared with a non-smoker is an a**hole move. He must know how n**ty it is. BUT he did ask and you said yes.

I don’t think you’re the a**hole for changing your mind given now you experience what it is like and how pervasive it is- but I can see why he thinks so.

Used-Author-3811 −  NTA. You’re making a conscious decision for your own health. Second hand smoke kills. ~1300 US citizens die daily from second hand smoke. Globally it’s over 800k annually. Non smokers being killed by a disgusting habit is a choice you shouldn’t subject yourself to. Stay firm on your boundaries.

Cheeseballfondue −  My condo’s previous resident was a smoker, and it literally took full cleaning, entirely new paint on every wall, and 2 years for the smell to fully dissipate.

RealTalkFastWalk −  NAH. You may need to work together to find a new place that fits both your needs.

J-littletree −  Where do you live that allows smoking inside?

Is OP being unfair in asking his boyfriend to smoke outside, or should he have stuck to the original agreement? Can compromises be made in relationships when it comes to habits that affect both partners? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!