AITA for telling my boyfriend I don’t love his niece the same way he does?

A Reddit user shares their frustration about caring for their fiancé’s neglected niece, especially when her mother frequently shirks responsibility. The user caught a cold while looking after the child and expressed to their fiancé that, while they care for the girl, they don’t love her like family. This upset their fiancé, leaving the user questioning if they were wrong to speak honestly. Read the full story below to decide if their reaction was justified.

‘ AITA for telling my boyfriend I don’t love his niece the same way he does?’

My fiancée (30M) has a 3-year-old niece. Her mother (my fiancée’s sister(27F)) is moody, entitled, and rude to everyone, including her own parents. She doesn’t work, doesn’t properly care for her daughter, and never cleans up her mess or her kid’s mess. Because of this (and more), I just pretend to like her, treat her with respect, and try to avoid her as much as possible. I stay out of my boyfriend’s family issues, but even his own parents find her problematic and tolerate her tantrums only to avoid her taking the kid away.

Often, I end up feeding, caring for, or teaching basic things to this little girl because her mom is too lazy to do so. I resent this, but I still do it willingly. The girl seems to like me because I give her attention, care for her, and play with her—something her own mom doesn’t do. I find her affection toward me sweet, but I can’t forget that I’m not her mother and that her mom should be the one stepping up. To add, it’s always been difficult for me to “love” people outside of my family. The only person I’ve learned to love as family is my fiancée.

Today, I was upset because my fiancée’s sister went on a trip and left her daughter behind. Since I happened to be around, I was left in charge of her for two days in a row. I tried not to let it bother me and cared for the girl because she’s innocent, but she was sick with a cold and cough. Her mom hadn’t even taught her to cover her mouth when sneezing, so the girl sneezed very close to my face multiple times. Of course, I taught her to cover her mouth, but I still ended up catching her cold.

I’m now feeling awful physically and emotionally. I was mad that I had to care for this woman’s child (unappreciated, of course), and now I’m sick because I did something that wasn’t even my responsibility.

Today, while feeling miserable, my fiancée said, “That’s just how it is; you have to love her because she’s also your niece.” That made me angry. He seems to take the idea of “real love” lightly, and I told him that while the child is innocent and I do like her and care for her, I don’t love her like she’s my family. She’s his niece, not mine.

I also mentioned that I got sick because I cared for her when her mom was off enjoying her trip. I firmly believe that we’re not obligated to love our partner’s nieces or nephews like they’re our own family… I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t love my own sister’s son just because he is my niece. But my fiancée got upset and walked out after I said this. Now I feel awful for sharing my thoughts with him.

EDIT TO ADD: Yes, we’re currently living with his family temporarily while our apartment is being finished. I hate it, and every day I grow to dislike his sister even more. The other day, I overheard his parents talking about how tired they are of her behavior. She doesn’t work, spends her money on luxurious things, throws tantrums without hesitation—even attacking her own mother—and doesn’t take care of her daughter.

My in-laws care a lot about their granddaughter, and it’s clear they see me as a better maternal figure because of my patient and involved personality with kids, even though I have nothing to do with this situation. It disgusts me that my in-laws complain about her behind her back but don’t set any boundaries with her because they’re too afraid to confront her.

Yesterday, my fiancée came to talk to me and apologized for how he reacted. He told me that I don’t have to love his niece like she’s my own, and he personally thanked me for taking care of her in a way no one else would have.

He admitted that he knows how awful his sister is and said something that really made me think: “If you had been a 3-year-old with an irresponsible mom and a crappy family, wouldn’t you have wanted to have an adult like you in your life? Don’t do it for my sister or my parents—just remember she’s only a little girl.” Honestly, I still think that’s not my problem, but that made me reflect a lot.. 🙁

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Expensive_Excuse_597 −  NTA. I will probably be in the minority here, but I feel the same way. You don’t start immediately loving someone just because you are about to marry one of their family members. You are being kind and reliable, that is more than she is getting from her mother.

Not only is the child’s mother failing her, but so is her uncle (your fiance) and her grandparents. You may, or may not, ever come to love the child. It does not mean you are a bad person. Right now you know that you are being used by the family to give her a mother figure. It is understandable that you would resent that.

laurazhobson −  NTA. Why were YOU in charge of a sick child. It is HIS niece and so he should have been the 100% caretaker. Why on earth would you love your boyfriend’s niece like your own nibling or child? People don’t feel that way about their step children often.

pixie-ann −  NTA but you need to grow yourself a spine and start saying “no” and sticking to it. What is the living situation here? Why did you “happen to be around” but no other family members? Was your fiancé there? Do you all live together? You have been shown a window into the future of how this family will take advantage of you and your partner doesn’t seem to listen to you or care about how you feel.

Upset_Structure3547 −  Nope I would have walked out and told them no. Not your responsibility. If they don’t want to put their foot down then that’s it’s their problem not yours.

Expensive_Visual_594 −  I’m confused. Does everyone in the family live together?

Physical_Ad6875 −  Run! You were left with a kid that’s not yours and when you try to voice your opinion, your boyfriend walks out mad? Nah, you don’t deserve that level of disrespect and that whole family is treating you like you’re the paid staff.

tulamidan −  Info: how can sister leave her daughter just behind and you end up taking care of her?. How is your living situation?. Did she make arrangements at all?

Bunny_Bixler99 −  “my boyfriend got upset and walked out” did he take his niece with him or is the expectation that the currently unrelated adult continues to be responsible for this child?   Does fiance and the rest of the girl’s family step up at all? Are they doing more than you in engaging this kid? You better lock down expectations if this relationship is to continue because I have a sinking feeling “the two of you” (i.e. you alone) will eventually be named as guardians.. NTA .

fiestafan73 −  If his family and parents love her so much, then why the hell are they not being caregivers for this child? You are being taken advantage of, and I wonder if this is a good relationship for you. NTA.

EnvironmentalGroup15 −  NTA. You’re treating his family more than kindly, how you feel about it is up to you.
1. she’s not your niece and your feelings of love or not love are only yours to feel.
2. why wasn’t he taking care of her, or his parents??
3. although the delivery wasn’t great he was being dismissive of your feelings and pushed it while you are literally sick from the consequences of HIS sister’s choices.