AITA for telling my best friends wife, that I get it she is insecure and it’s quite sad?

A Reddit user has been best friends with Dave for 17 years and served as the best woman at his wedding. His wife, Emma, has always been cold and snappy towards her, and during a recent beach get-together, Emma’s behavior escalated to the point where others noticed. After Emma made a derogatory comment about her being a “half-dressed server” while wearing a bikini, the user snapped back, telling Emma that her insecurity was “quite sad.” This led to an argument, with Emma accusing her of trying to steal Dave.

Now, she’s questioning whether her response was too harsh, especially since Emma wants an apology. Is she in the wrong? Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for telling my best friends wife, that I get it she is insecure and it’s quite sad?’

I have been best friends with Dave for about 17 years. We became friends in middle school. He married at 26 and I was the best women at this wedding. His wife, Emma, has never like me. I only met her a few time so far and each time she is cold and snappy.

I invited him and his wife to a get together at the beach. In total it was a group of 9 people. Emma has been snappy towards me the whole trip. It got to the point were people were asking me what was up with it. It was also some peoples first time meeting her and they do not have a good opinion of her.

We were at the beach and everyone was just relaxing. I noticed we were out of drinks and I was going to the car to grab some more. I was asking everyone if they wanted anything specific. I asked Dave, Emma chimed and told me that he can get it himself and doesn’t need a half dressed server ( I was in a bikini).

At this point I had enough and told her, “I get it you are insecure and I find it quite sad”. This started an argument and she accused me of trying to steal her husband and me pointing out we have been friends for years. That I don’t want to f**k him and never have.

Some think I shouldn’t have gone for the throat even if it was obvious what her issue was. Emma wants an apology. Dave hasn’t given me an opinion.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

isla_inchoate −  INFO: how have you only met your best friend’s wife a few times? What happened there? I only ask because I also have a guy BFF. I was a grooms-woman in his wedding. Ngl, it took me a minute to win his now-wife over. But I put in some work and we got there. She’s now one of my close friends as well. It took some time and effort on my part and that lead to her easing up on her defenses.

I’m not blaming you because you shouldn’t have to, but did you guys try at all to bond? It can’t be all you, she needed to try, too. But I do feel as an opposite-gender bff, we have a bit of a responsibility to lead the way with new significant others. It just comes with the territory. As for your outburst, I don’t blame you. Everyone gets pushed to their limit. But it’s going to be near impossible for you guys to come back from this, and your friend is now in an impossible spot.

Edit: I want to add an anecdote. I think truly part of this problem is lack of exposure. When my BFF invited me to his bachelor party, I checked with his fiancée first and told her no worries either way, because I wasn’t sure how I would feel in the same situation.
She said, “Isla, first I want you to know that I think you are beautiful. But I realized that I don’t think Jim knows that you are a woman. I’d rather you go and make sure they don’t die, because they are morons.

I had interacted with them many times, so she got to see us together and form her own opinions. I think your biggest problem here is truly the lack of interaction. She’s got an obvious insecurity and a bunch of question marks in her head.

andromache97 −  INFO: have you ever talked to Dave about his wife’s obvious dislike of you? has he ever said anything about it?

rosered936 −  This is a Dave problem. He doesn’t get to not have an opinion. Either he needs to establish new boundaries with you to make his wife more comfortable (can’t really judge that without hearing an impartial version of events) or he needs to talk to his wife about being rude to his friends or potentially both.
He doesn’t get to not take sides or he deserves to be single and friendless. Right now he is hanging everyone out to dry.

ZeeWingCommander −  Info – there has to be more to this.

Frequent-Cookie-9745 −  LOL I’m just imaging Dave in his own little world at the beach while all this was going down. What was he doing this whole time?
Maybe she is insecure, but you don’t know what led her to be like that. Maybe it’s her own problem, or maybe Dave is feeding that insecurity somehow. But yeah, I agree with others that more info would be great.

Cultural_Section_862 −  I could be wrong but I feel like there are missing details, taking the story as told NTA.

hetfield151 −  I really dont get the ESH or YTA. Her insecuritites arent your problem and its not on you to befriend someone that treats you badly, whenever you meet. Its on her to deal with her insecurities and if she cant, she should go to therapy. But its also on Dave. He has to manage the relationship you two have and his relationship with his wife. He has to tell her to behave decently and he also has to make sure, that his wife knows you are nothing but friends.

The comment may be a bit harsh, but it hit the nail on the head and I get why you said it. At some point you just cant put up with all the comments and insinuations anymore. She was out of line with her comment and you repriminated.. NTA.

These-Target-6313 −  I dont understand why some assume OP is an unreliable narrator and say ESH, unless she is straight up lying. They’ve been friends for 17 years. Again, unless she is straight up lying, they’ve never messed around. Yes, opposite s** friends are possible. They may not even be physically attractive to each other!! And there are literally millions of other people they can get with, besides a best friend. Honestly, people accusing OP of being an unreliable narrator are probably telling more about themselves than OP.

NOTTHATKAREN1 −  NTA. She is insecure & you called her out on it. Good for you. She can’t be snappy & cold with you & then not expect you to snap back at her. She is clearly jealous of you & the relationship you have with her husband. This whole thing that men & women can’t be friends without having s** is absolutely ridiculous. She needed to be put in her place so that’s exactly what you did. I’m sure she likes you even less now, but she deserved it.

Cold-Leave7803 −  The real AH here is Dave. Is he really your friend? Because I would never let my best friend get picked on like this. If he does not address it, then it is up to you. And you addressed it. If he has an issue with that, once again, he can open his trap and use his words to solve this issue. He made his choice and you have the right to stand up for yourself.. End of story. No apology needed. . NTA.