AITA for telling my best friend that I am pregnant?

A 33-year-old woman informed her best friend of her pregnancy after previously asking if her friend wanted to know in such a situation. Her friend, struggling with infertility, initially said she could be told, but later expressed that she didn’t want to discuss pregnancies.

After a positive update in her fertility journey, the woman assumed it would be okay to share her news during a meet-up. Her friend’s reaction was cold, and a month later, she expressed offense at being told, asking for distance. The woman feels hurt and uncertain about the future of their friendship. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my best friend that I am pregnant ?’

I (33f) have been in a very close friendship with N (31f) for about 8 years. We have been through a lot of things together and for the last year and a half I’ve been on her side for her infertility journey. She has been through 2 inseminations and 2 rounds of IVF, all to no avail.

She has PCOS and she doesn’t ovulate naturally. We started with our partners at around the same time, and in the past I told her that I would start trying for a baby at the end of last summer. I asked her if I got pregnant, if she wanted to know, and she said that I could tell her.

A couple of months ago her 2nd round of IVF failed and she was obviously devastated. She told me that she didn’t want to talk about pregnancies when we met, and we didn’t. In that time I knew I was pregnant, but didn’t say.

Two weeks later she called me and told me doctors had found a possible cause of why IVF wasn’t working, and she was under an infection treatment and would try again in a month. I was very excited for her. And we set a date to meet in around 10 days.

As she was the one to start talking about the topic again, I decided I would tell her I am pregnant, cause I was already 10 weeks and was going to announce it soon publicly and I’d rather she knew by me. So when we met, we talked about her a little, and then I told her.

Her reaction was cold and she just said: “oh, congratulations, then”. And then she said: “that was fast, huh?”. I was kinda taken aback but gave her grace because of her situation, I just had expected she could be happy for me, but it was okay, so I gave her time and space and didn’t talk for a month.

A month later, I asked about an exam she had at work, and she answered with a 4 minute long audio telling me she was offended that I had told her about my pregnancy when she specifically asked not to talk about that topic. And that she didn’t want to know from me or see me again for a while.

I was really taken aback and told her she was the first one to talk about the topic again and thought she was optimistic with the new discoveries and treatment so she would be happy for me, and I was hurt about her deciding when or how we can be friends.

This was a month ago and we haven’t spoken since then, I think about her sometimes and worry about her, but on the other hand I am hurt that she doesn’t want to be my side or my baby’s and if she does come back, I don’t know if that’d be a healthy friendship.. So, AITA?. 

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

crazyheather345 −  NTA. It’s tough. I’m very sympathetic to her pain and the stuff she’s going though. But she was going to find out eventually. She was probably never going to be emotionally ready for you to tell her directly.

But the alternative was for her to find out via social media as you say in your post, or for you just turn up to a hang-out one day visibly pregnant. There was no nice way for her to find out and you tried to do it in the least painful way possible.

She has to work through those feelings and appreciate that you tried your best here.. It is what it is, you know? It’s not her fault that she cannot get pregnant naturally, obviously. But she can’t spend the rest of her life resenting people who do get pregnant.

Or at least if she does privately resent it, and this is something she can never get over, she has to find ways to manage that feeling and not to express it publicly.

Dense-Passion-2729 −  This is a really challenging situation. My best friend and I went through the same thing and after she insisted I tell her if I fell pregnant and that she’d be deeply wounded if I didn’t- I shared with her.

She reacted poorly, made it about herself and let me know that it led to a panic attack and a sob session in a public store. I felt horrible and confused. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her or even share with her but she had made such a point to tell me how hurt and offended she’d be if I didn’t, that I honored her wishes.

I had experienced multiple miscarriages before I became pregnant and the day we told our friends and family was a sad occasion after her reaction. I told her I understood but that I needed some time and space for awhile.

We tried to reconnect multiple times but she couldn’t respect my wish to leave our experiences separate and individual. Fast forward two years and she has a little one of her own.

We’ve been able to reconnect and hold space for one another and the ways we both did and didn’t handle things well and our friendship is stronger than ever.

It took some time and processing and forgiveness. I hope you can have the same OP but regardless of the outcome how she reacted and treated you is NOT okay. Continue to take space and take care of yourself. NTA

Longjumping_Advice89 −  NTA. Your friend’s situation is unfortunate, but that doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold. You respected her wishes to the best of your ability and when she brought the subject of pregnancy up herself, that would naturally open the door for you to be allowed to talk about it.

I’m not saying your friend sucks by any means, as she is dealing with a crappy situation, but to take out her frustration on you isn’t okay. I hope she comes around and you two can reconnect. Best of luck with your new family.

wisebirdcaseycasey −  OP, sometimes life takes us down different paths. You and your friend have now gone down a different path. Hers is infertility yours a new family starting. It’s sad, but you have to be thankful for the friendship you had and move on to pastures new.

Sometimes, friends are not meant to go the distance with you. Take care of yourself and your little one.

hurricanekitcat −  NTA, but the one thing I’ve learned having gone through IVF and frequenting r/IVF is that sharing by text message can help lessen the blow and not pressure an immediate response.

Something for a next time or for anyone else lurking here, since the question gets asked a lot over there and there’s an overwhelming response of “please share by text.”

poeadam −  NTA That said, try to be patient with her. I’ve known people going through struggles like hers and it basically breaks them mentally. It is quite possible that down the road she will realize that you were in an impossible situation and that she treated you badly.

Cursd818 −  NTA It’s hard to struggle with your fertility, but that is no reason to treat the people around you like trash. Your pregnancy does not make her struggle more or less valid. If she is truly that selfish that she can only perceive what happens around her through the lens of how it affects her, you have not lost anything.

One of my closest friends is struggling with infertility. When her cousin got pregnant, she was overjoyed for her and insulted at the idea that she would be anything else. That is how decent people react. If they truly love you, they can be happy for you, even if they’re privately mournful that they’re not in the same place.

If she does reach out, it needs to be with an apology and an action plan for how she’s going to do better about her behaviour in the future. Without that, there’s no friendship to salvage. She reopened the topic, not you. And frankly, if she can’t celebrate your joy, why do you even want her around your baby?

Some friendships are meant to be lifelong, and some are meant to fade after a certain time. It’s OK to let this one go and move forward in your life.

chasingkaty −  NTA but I wonder how you said it. Did you say “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about pregnancy but I wanted you to hear this from me before it becomes public knowledge…”? Sometimes how you say it softens the blow, you know?

Pengz888 −  You are not the author of her misery. If she can’t be happy for her friend regardless of her circumstances, then she was never your friend.

Was it wrong for her to share the news given the context, or is it reasonable to expect her friend to support her as well? what do you think? share your thoughts below!