AITA for telling my best friend she cannot have her boyfriend over at our place ever?

A Reddit user shares their frustration about their best friend’s toxic relationship with a man known for cheating on multiple partners, including their mutual friends. Despite warnings, the friend chose to date him, and he has since exhibited controlling behavior, including pressuring her to block the Redditor, spend holidays away from family, and even give up her dog.

Now, the Redditor has banned him from their shared apartment, leading to tension between the two friends. Was the user wrong for setting this boundary, or are they justified in protecting their space and their friendship? Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for telling my best friend she cannot have her boyfriend over at our place ever?’

My best friend (21F) is currently in a relationship with a man (26M) I have known for 3 years. I am friends with two of this man’s exes, both in which he cheated on them with another woman. Before she got into this relationship, I told my roommate/ best friend to not be with this man and she refused to listen. Now they are together and he is openly cheating on her, forcing her to make decisions between me or him.

When she told him and I told her about his cheating history, he demanded she move out of my place and block me on everything. He also told her to spend Christmas and new years with him at clubs instead of with her family and also made her get rid of her dog because it’s “getting in the way”. She has now quit her job for him to be with him at all times, not in school, yet he uses her money while he goes out and messes with other girls.

I yell at her everyday about it and how awful this is not just for her, but also me. I told her it’s her life, but I don’t want him ever in our apartment. He also has spread complete lies about me to other people who are mutual friends so I can’t expose him for the truth of him cheating or forcing her to get rid of her dog. Should I just let her ruin her own life and not be so dramatic or am I in the right?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

One_Clue_9999 −  Hi, your friend is in a DV situation. This man is more than a c**ater but is a full walking red flag. Unfortunately your friend can only lead herself out of this situation. I know you are only trying to look out for her but you are going to be the first person she cuts off when he begins to isolate her. Be supportive however you can without attacking him. When she’s ready if you can get rid of the “I told you so” attitude, she may come to you for help.

tugmushy −  NTA but please try a different approach. Let her know she deserves better and be kind to her instead of yelling at her or blaming her. Point out how much she is sacrificing and that real love wouldn’t need that and that her family and friends love her. Hold firm on him not being in the house or the two of you interacting but be as open and safe a space she can land all of there times.

That will help her see the abuse (and that it’s not the only way she can be loved) and hopefully choose better. Guilting and shaming her will only perpetuate the mean things he tells her that make her feel that broken love is all she deserves/can get.

CareEcstatic4624 −  YOU ARE NOT THE A**HOLE AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. remember that when you take your next steps because either your friend will say you are or the boyfriend will. And that is because your friend is being abused. help her. He has isolated her from her loved ones, her stream of income, and EVEN HER F**KING DOG. He is controlling her and she needs help. She may not be able to see it right now but someone needs to do something. INFO: Where is she getting her money from? if it is her family, could you talk to them?

Sufficient-Golf-3636 −  If you can, call her parents and ask them to drag her back home. She needs contact cut from that person.

moew4974 −  You cannot force your friend’s decision on who she wants to be in a relationship with. It’s her life. It’s her decision. We get it, we really do. You love your friend and you know that he doesn’t. You know that he’s isolating her, you know he’s cheating on her, and that he’s financially and emotionally abusing her. And we know it’s killing you to watch your friend succumb to him. But this isn’t your life. It’s out of your hands.

She is entitled to want to be in this relationship for as long as she wants. If she allows him to treat her like this, she’s hurting herself. She’s actively choosing to hurt herself. And there isn’t anything you can do about it. In your position, I’d have one last conversation with her about her situation, not him. I’d say something like:

‘Bestie, we’ve been ride or dies friends for X years. You know that I love and care for you like we’re family. I always pictured you with someone who is gentle with you, who loves you, who is willing to sacrifice for you. Someone who makes you smile and treats you with respect at all times. You deserve joy and happiness in a relationship with someone who can add value to your life and who wants you to achieve all your dreams. And while it’s your choice who you love, don’t ask me to stand by and watch you get less than you deserve. For the sake of our relationship, I’m going to distance myself but please know that if you ever need my help getting out, I will be here for you. No questions asked.’. NAH.

SKmdK64 −  NTA. But please try to be an open and safe person for her to return to when she hopefully eventually gets away. She is in an a very a**sive relationship. Abusers isolate their victims, leaving them nowhere to run when they finally realize what’s happening to them. Leave the judgement behind and don’t yell or scold.

I see a couple comments down here from others blaming her and acting like it is her fault or that she should be punished for “not listening”. It is definitely ok to set boundaries while she is still with him (like not allowing him over), but also be ready to help her pick up those pieces if you truly care about her. It is a fine line to walk, I know. I have been on both sides of this kind of thing.

Everyone abandoned me when I needed them most. I know it’s hard to witness it too, but it’s even harder to get out of those situations when everyone who supposedly did love you would rather put you down over it than actually help you get out later.

Lopsided-Time −  How can she afford rent if she quit her job.

Hennahands −  NTA, but please recognize your friend is being abused. Please look out for resources in your area. It’s not a simple as your friend  not wanting to break free of the abuse. Talk to someone who can help you understand what you’re willing to tolerate and help with.