AITA for telling my best friend I won’t go to her wedding?
A Reddit user shares a heartbreaking dilemma involving her best friend’s wedding and her boyfriend’s father, who is in the final stages of terminal cancer. The user had been a bridesmaid for her friend’s upcoming wedding but ultimately decided not to attend after her best friend demanded a firm answer.
The user explains that she chose to stay with her boyfriend during this painful time, given the gravity of the situation and her close bond with his father. Her decision led to tension, with her friend kicking her from the bridesmaid group chat and becoming upset. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for telling my best friend I won’t go to her wedding?’
My (f, 24) best friend (f, 22) is getting married in just under 3 weeks. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid, and I’ve been excited for the wedding since before the engagement (I knew her partner was going to propose). I’ve helped with making decisions on the wedding, helped with the hen do (bachelorette party) and bought my bridesmaid dress and booked my hotel.
I love them as a couple and they’re both my bestest friends. I’ve been with my boyfriend (m, 24) for 2.5 years and have known him and his family for 10 years. When we first became a couple, he told me his dad has terminal lung cancer. 3 months ago, we found out that the cancer had spread to his brain and he was given 3 months to live.
Over that time, his health started to decline slowly, and then suddenly over the last month. Due to all of this, we had to miss the hen do as we would have to be away for a few days but we didn’t want to leave my partners dad (my best friend and I live 2 hours apart and we don’t drive).
Trains are expensive and take even longer than driving so a last minute rush from the hen do to his dad would be near impossible if anything was to happen. We are now at the end of his dad’s prognosis and he is currently in the last stages of d**th. A few days ago, my best friend demanded an answer on if we would be at the wedding or not.
Up until then, we believed we would’ve been able to attend but now we are unsure what will happen. As she demanded an answer since she didn’t want us to cancel last minute, we decided to decline attending as we didn’t want to leave it to the day before, despite us being heartbroken we won’t be there.
A few weeks ago, my best friend said to make my boyfriend’s dad the priority over the wedding day. She clearly changed her mind as in response to my message explaining our choice, she only screenshotted it and then instantly kicked me from the bridesmaid group chat. Then she ignored me for the following few days.
When she finally responded, she said that she understood why my partner wasn’t attending but didn’t understand why I wasn’t, and she was devastated and angry over the choice. I explained that I refuse to leave my partner alone during one of the hardest things he’ll experience, plus his dad also means a lot to me as I went no contact with my dad 2 years ago and since then, my boyfriend’s dad has basically stepped up and been a father figure to me, so I want to be there for him too.
I’m also disabled and haven’t traveled alone overnight since 2019. She’s still really upset and angry and is ignoring me once again. She’d said that a few people in her life were on her side, yet people in my life understand my pov and are upset and shocked with her. So I’m confused. Am I the a**hole?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Hot_Win_6062 − NTA. You are there supporting your partner. This may be the last few moments you both get to see your bf’s dad. I am so sorry to the pair of you for you loss. The bride, however, has a right to be upset as one of her best friend’s isnt there, but her actions have been blown our of the water and shouldn’t have acted that way.
jellydear − NTA. This is a tough situation to be in but I think you made the right call. It sucks that your “friend” can’t be more understanding
[Reddit User] − NTA Being there for your partner during the loss of a parent takes priority.
ShaneVis − NTA — This person is not your friend, a real friend would understand this situation and wouldn’t expect you to ditch your boyfriend and his family when his father is dying for whatever reason.
Sanny-P − NTA. Sometimes life presents us with a no-win situation like this, and you just have to go with your gut. All you can do is clearly communicate how you feel and why you’re doing what you’re doing. Don’t feel bad for making your choice. You didn’t schedule this all to happen at the same time. Whatever happens next happens.
dcookie22 − NAH. This is simply bad timing that no one can do anything about. I can understand why you don’t want to leave your boyfriend alone. But also your friend is not wrong for wanting you there. Try attending her wedding alone if possible but if you can’t you also have to understand that your friendship will be greatly affected by this.
_DoogieLion − NTA, tell her if she doesn’t understand why you need to be there for your partner during this time then she isn’t ready to be married and she should do some self reflecting. Then ignore her and move on with your life. She will either see reason and apologise blaming the reaction on the stress of the wedding, or she won’t. Either way take care of your partner and be there for him like he would for you.
GuardianNovator − NAH. Emotions are charged, and someone is going to get hurt either way. There was not a right or wrong choice here. Neither event is going to yield for the other. You are not an a**hole, you have done nothing wrong, but some things for you and others to consider from her point of view:
Your partner’s father has been terminal for 2.5 years at least. That is a good bit of time to work on coming to terms with what is happening, making sure things aren’t left unsaid, and making arrangements so grieving isn’t infringed upon by other issues (funeral planning, legal, financial).
Now, no amount of preparation can remove the sting of a loved one dying, but it can help lessen the pain and additional stress for everyone. It also lessens the need to be there when it happens and the guilt if you aren’t, because you literally can’t be with him 24/7. You already missed the hen do because he could die at any time, he didn’t.
She had to prompt you about if you were still going to attend the wedding, and again you aren’t coming because he could die at any time. My guess is that if this was a sudden d**th or if he died right before the wedding, it would be a non-issue, she’d be upset but would completely understand.
She’s feeling displaced by something that hasn’t happened, and despite its inevitability, may not happen until after the wedding. All of you are hurting. You and your partner are losing a loved one. She’s feeling abandoned by her best friend. You need to discuss your feelings with each other. Talk! This is not something to be done over messages.
[Reddit User] − I’m gonna go against the grain here – you need to back off her. You’ve got your focus and she’s got hers. This can be something you revisit later, but stop hounding her to tell you it’s all OK when that’s not how she’s feeling atm. You’re not gonna gain anything from this, but angering her more. Focus on your actual priority.
Worth-Watercress-577 − NTA, you’re doing the right thing by supporting your partner during a truly horrible situation. I’m getting quite frustrated and angry with all these brides who think the whole world should stop and bow down to them because they’re getting married. So much emphasis on one day instead of the actual marriage itself. Sending hugs to you, your partner and his family.
Is the user in the wrong for choosing to support her boyfriend during a family crisis, or is her friend being unfair by not understanding her decision? What would you have done in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!