AITA for telling my autistic brother the truth when he asked me why women don’t like him?

A woman shared some harsh truths with her younger brother, who has Asperger’s, after he asked why women don’t seem to like him. She explained that his habit of speaking condescendingly and labeling women as “irrational” or “hysterical” might be the root of the problem. While her intent was to help, her brother and parents think she was too harsh and damaging to his confidence.

‘ AITA for telling my autistic brother the truth when he asked me why women don’t like him?’

I’ve got a younger brother (24) with Aspergers and he’s very high functioning albeit with his quirks. Recently I’ve moved back home during the stay at home orders to look after my parents. My brother still lives with them. I find out he’s been trying to date in recent months and confessed it’s been pretty unsuccessful for him. He even got to go on a first date but his date literally got up and left after about a half hour.

I know exactly the reason why and it’s not flattering. For one thing my parents coddled him since he was a kid because he was on the spectrum and was the only boy in our family. My mom in particular always told him he was smarter and more advanced than everyone else who’s neurotypical. This has led to his belief today that he genuinely is smarter than everyone else, especially women who he thinks are inherently irrational, illogical people.

So I know how he interacts with women like me or his other sisters. He tends to say very hurtful things first and when we get upset, he will then say things like “you are being irrational/hysterical/illogical, I’m just being honest and you can’t accept it.” This is like his catch phrase over the years and drives us absolutely INSANE.

Anyways when he asked me I basically said, “listen the truth is your way of talking to women can come across as extremely demeaning and borderline s*xist.” I told him he acts like he can read every woman perfectly when he’s pretty much always wrong. This struck the wrong nerve with him and he later complained to my parents that I attacked him over things he can’t control.

Now I’m in hot water for “ruining his confidence” and I feel both bad and kinda relieved at the same time. This was the first time in my life I told him how annoying his behavior is because growing up our mom always blamed us whenever he got upset. But maybe I was too harsh? AITA for telling him what I said?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

CitizenSquidbot −  NTA. He asked and you gave a reasonable answer. It doesn’t even sound like you were being unnecessarily harsh. Also, it’s kinda hilarious that he calls women irrational, but he loses it after being told the truth. I’d stop coddling him. His autism doesn’t give him a free pass to be a j**k.. Edit: spelling.

GrowKinder −  He asked. Autistic people on reddit are always saying that they wish people would just be forthcoming and honest about these things. Your parents are the ones who really s**k here. They have done him no favours by raising him like this.

DogsReadingBooks −  This has led to his belief today that he genuinely is smarter than everyone else, especially women who he thinks are inherently irrational, illogical people.. Yikes. He tends to say very hurtful things first and when we get upset, he will then say things like “you are being irrational/hysterical/illogical, I’m just being honest and you can’t accept it.” Uhm.. Just because they’re women? He needs a reality check.

Anyways when he asked me I basically said, “listen the truth is your way of talking to women can come across as extremely demeaning and borderline s*xist.” You said it a lot nice than I would’ve done. It isn’t just the way he’s talking, it sounds like he is s*xist. This struck the wrong nerve with him and he later complained to my parents that I attacked him over things he can’t control.

He can obviously control it. He’s high functioning, going on dates, talking to you guys, understanding. He’s just not acting like he’s in this century. Also, he went to your parents to complain? He’s 24. If he wants to complain, he can complain to his friends, or to you since you’re the one he’s mad at. You’re NTA. Nope. His own actions are leading to dates going the way they are.

MoreTumbleweed −  NTA. If you don’t tell him, some other woman will. I think it’s better coming from someone that actually knows him or else he could just write it off as an “illogical” response from some angry woman. Could it have been done more tactfully? Maybe. But I think your brother is dangerously at risk of being an incel if you aren’t straight with him.

larry2o2 −  NTA. You didn’t insult him. You gave a dose of truth. Of he wants to be in a relationship he needs to fix his attitude towards women.

littlepunkbree −  NTA Your parents have raised him to be a s*xist narcissist and now he can’t find anyone to put up with him. You are actually showing him more love telling him the truth so he can change than your parents do sheltering and lying to him.

galarguy −  NTA he’s s*xist.

JMLKO −  NTA who else better to hear it from than his sister. He wanted to know, you told him. Tell him he can change and have a shot at getting a gf, or stay the way he is and be alone.

WonderfulAtmosphere −  NTA- It’s not confidence that he has, it’s a mislead false hope instilled by his parents who don’t want to admit to him that real life might be harder for him. They have the best, loving intentions BUT they’re creating something that will hurt him more than the truth will in the long run.

DoULiekChickenz −  Definitely nta. Sounds to me like he’s one of those socially awkward neckbeards who call women females and refuse to take them seriously because he legitimately thinks he’s more intelligent. Now, I can understand some of that. Despite being female myself I had a long time when I felt like in general women were illogical and overly emotional. I never believed all women were like that, just that it was a trait more common in us than men.

I also was incredibly arrogant and at one point unfortunately legitimately believed I was smarter than most people. I’ve been humbled a lot but even now I catch myself thinking someone is stupid without considering their background or the many areas in which they are most definitely smarter than I am.

Your brother both being coddled and on the spectrum means his thinking is far more black and white on the subject than it should be. He deserved the reality check and hopefully coming from someone he knows loves him will make it sink in.