AITA for telling a coworker that I’ll go to HR if they keep pushing the Xmas adopt a family on me?

A worker is feeling pressured by a coworker to participate in their workplace’s “Adopt a Family” program for Christmas, despite not celebrating the holiday and having painful personal experiences tied to similar charity efforts.

After being repeatedly pushed to join, they told the coworker to stop or they’d escalate the matter to HR. Now, they’re being labeled as a “grinch” by others at work. Were they justified in setting a firm boundary, or did they go too far? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling a coworker that I’ll go to HR if they keep pushing the Xmas adopt a family on me?’

My job has adopted a family for Xmas and there are many options to choose from to get each adult and child. The gift options have started to fly off the board, cool but apparently someone has noticed that I haven’t been joining in the conversation about what option they chose or what to buy a teenage boy/girl.

I was asked if I chose something off the board and I simply replied that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Said coworker then said that it didn’t matter if I celebrated or not, that it was a time for giving and we should help those who can’t do for themselves…

Now little background on me. I grew up extremely poor as in when these holidays came around, it was nothing but misery for my siblings and I. Thanksgiving was just normal dinner for us unless we were forced to visit family and we rarely got anything for Christmas.

My mom felt that we needed to be around family during the holidays so we were always forced to go over families houses for Xmas and watch the kids have everything we never had. Some of my worst childhood memories were waking up on Christmas Day to nothing. We never had a tree or presents to put under it.

Always having to hear my younger siblings cry from disappointment and then being forced to go over a cousins house and watch them open their gifts. Watching them get the things I always wanted and toss them aside to never look at them again. Being asked what I got for Xmas and trying to decide to lie to not embarrass my mom or be honest and have them pity us is not something a child should do.

At some point my mom signed us up for these adopt a family/firetruck to bring gifts/ whatever charity you could think of just like the one my job is doing. She did for years (I know as I was usually with her when she signed us up) and no one ever came through for us, ever.

So it’s safe to say that I feel some kind of way about these so called ‘charities’ and learned a couple of things early in life and vowed to never contribute yo these things because no one cared about me and my siblings so why should I care for anyone else this time or year? Why should I go out of my way to help when we were never helped.

People metaphorically said f**k my mom and her kids so f**k them and their kids. So back to my coworker. I told her that these people are not my responsibility and if she felt so strongly about it then to grab an extra card off the board.

I know I shouldn’t have said that but the anger in me just spilled over. Then replied that I didn’t have to be a grinch to which I said, ‘if you keep harassing me about what I chose to not celebrate then it will become an HR issue. The dropped it after that.

Now I don’t feel bad for what I said and I stand by how I feel, but honestly it kills me how self righteous people can be about these things. Most just do it to make themselves feel better and think they changed a child’s life with a $10 Walmart gift card. But I overheard some talking about the incident and it put me in a bad light. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I didn’t like hearing being talked about like that without any context. AITA for how I responded?

See what others had to share with OP:

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA. I have a very simple rule about any kind of solicitation: Once I say “No, thank you,” if you proceed to say anything else, you open yourself up to being told to go f**k yourself.

Harvard_Diplomat −  Said coworker then said that it didn’t matter if I celebrated or not, that it was a time for giving and we should help those who can’t do for themselves… Can’t stand these types.

Maybe you are doing that giving in your own terms and within your community. Maybe in another religion’s timeline. You don’t need to be forced to give more by an AH at work. Report the j**k. That is a workplace, not a community center for the homeless.

2npac −  NTA for not contributing but you need to talk to a therapist. It sounds like you hold a lot of anger and resentment from your youth that you’ve carried over into adulthood.

I grew up poor as well and one thing it’s taught me is to appreciate what you have and it makes me want to help those less fortunate even more. It’s not healthy to hold onto all of that bitterness

shammy_dammy −  NTA. This is not compulsory and they need to stop harassing you over it.

cryssylee90 −  Having the “other small kids should suffer the way I did” mindset is gross IMO but it still doesn’t mean you should be forced to participate so NTA on that front. Get therapy though. Wishing other innocent kids to feel the same things you felt because others didn’t come through for you isn’t healthy.

And I say this as someone who was in the exact same situation you described, so this isn’t coming from a place of “not getting it”. No one, but especially a child, should have to suffer.

Hepcat508 −  NTA. You’re still holding a lot of trauma from your own life experience. NGL, while my story isn’t quite as bad as yours, it still triggered in me some PTSD from my own childhood. Yes, Christmas is a time for giving, but when you spent your childhood in deep resentment and shame, that’s really hard to do. Take care.

pandora840 −  NTA. She should have only mentioned it once and accepted your first answer, end of story. While I think *some* of these causes are worthwhile, I also don’t know what goes on behind people’s doors, whether it be for financial reasons, something rooted in trauma, or many other reasons. It should never be forced, that’s entirely against the spirt of giving anyway.

Aside from that, I do hope you are able to heal some of your wounds – not to appease anyone else, but because you deserve peace. You don’t deserve to carry this burden. I am so sorry these form part of your childhood memories, the complete lack of empathy and understanding shown to you in so many ways is completely unacceptable.

Background_Room9706 −  NTA- My dad grew up with an a**oholic single parent with 4 siblings. He grew up poor, with any money being spent on alcohol. He said the only happy memory he has of Christmas is when he was in an orphanage (I’m not exactly sure if that’s the technical name, but it fits the description)

when removed from the home and they had presents donated from the firehouse or to them directly for the kids. He is Scrooge when it comes to Christmas, he’s in his 70s now and still is not a fan of Christmas, but every year he donates toys to the local fire house or the orphanage directly if he can. My point is that not everyone is donating out of selfishness to feel better about themselves. Some people are paying it forward.

Glitch427119 −  I don’t think you’re an AH for not participating, it’s not really anyone’s business why either, but i think your reasoning is dumb. And that’s coming from someone who has been homeless, grew up in poverty, I’ve volunteered a lot and for multiple causes, and i donate often.

If all people treated their problems like you do, then nothing would ever get better. I personally don’t want people to suffer what I’ve suffered so i always try to help where i can. I won’t solve the world’s problems but i can help make it a little brighter for someone who needs it.

These kids weren’t even born when you were ignored and they’re just more little versions of you, it’s really weird that you aim your bitterness at them directly. And let’s be clear, you are aiming your bitterness directly at them. “No one helped me so why should i help them.” That’s not a reaction a mentally healthy person would have. You really became Scrooge.

disinaccurate −  NTA. When you said you don’t celebrate Christmas, that should have been the end of it.. Now, all that said: because no one cared about me and my siblings so why should I care for anyone else this time or year? Why should I go out of my way to help when we were never helped.

There are two kinds of people: those who don’t want the person who comes after them to have to suffer the way they did, and those who want the person that comes after them to suffer exactly the way they did. Which kind of person do you want to be?

Do you think it’s fair to expect everyone to participate in workplace holiday charity events, or should personal boundaries always be respected? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!