AITA for teasing my friend about not recognizing my kid, thus ruining her marriage and an unrelated engagement party?

A Redditor shared how a lighthearted callback joke he made about a friend’s child led to unexpected and devastating fallout. When he joked to his friend’s husband that their son looked like him, he didn’t realize it would hit a raw nerve.

The husband, already sensitive to past family issues involving resemblance and infidelity, took the joke seriously. This misunderstanding spiraled into relationship issues for the couple, ultimately leading to a dramatic confrontation at an engagement party where the friend accused him of destroying her marriage.

‘ AITA for teasing my friend about not recognizing my kid, thus ruining her marriage and an unrelated engagement party?’

Tl;dr at the end… So, me and my wife have a 5 year old son. Our group of friends is mostly couples with kids as we are nearing our 40s and so a lot of our meetings with friends now include meeting up as entire families, kids included. This can sometimes mean a lot of adults and a lot of of kids.

One person in this group, Emma (f**e name) used to be my roommate in college. She was married and has her own kids, and we hang out with her and her husband sometimes in a group setting, but rarely on our own. Emma also tends to run late, often. This is all relevant to the story.

As our son is an only child, we sometimes worry that he wouldn’t really learn to share or get along with other kids. To prevent this, and while I love spending time with him, I would sometimes preemptively nudge him to engage with other kids when we are in public playgrounds or at the beach or the pool.

To that end when I buy him a water pistol or an RC car or the like, I’d often just buy 2 or 3. I’d get to the playground and play with him, and when another kid would show interest in the toys I’d just go “oh you wanna play with us?” and hand him the remote or the pistol or the whatever, thus getting the kids to play. This works great quite often, and I have a generally good relationship with the parents at our neighborhood. This is also relevant.

One day, like a year back, me and my wife were planning on taking our kid to the pool. I pack my large bag of pool toys. Emma texts me – her husband is away that day and she’s looking for something to do with the kids. I talk to my wife and tell Emma we’re going to our local pool and she’s welcome to join us, but we’re planning on heading there early, so she can just join us whenever.

We arrive at the pool pretty early and get a really good spot poolside, right by the shallows. I grab some water pistols and me and my kid start playing world domination (I am trying to take over the world and can only be stopped through the power of water pistols. It’s a whole thing. Kid loves it.)

Soon another kid is there – it’s a kid from my son’s kindergarten class. he’s there with his mom. He is, of course, welcome to join us. We know the family, the mom and my wife are pretty friendly and our kids play together often.

So my wife says she wants to go for a swim, and the kid’s mom says she wants to join her, and asks me if I’m okay watching the kids – I say sure since by this point the kids are blasting each other with water pistols and I’m just chillin’ poolside, just occasionally having to call out “oh no, my plans for world domination, ruined!!!” (because sometimes that’s just what parenting is.)

Then Emma and her kids show up. She is really happy to see me, and I give out toys to her kids. All is going well. Then my son’s friend runs up and asks for some other toy and I go “sure thing” and hand it to him. Emma goes: “OH MY GOD! so cute! He looks just like you!” I laugh and say “okay cool, but this isn’t my kid.”

Now, In her defense – the kid DOES look kinda like me, making this kinda hilarious. When my wife and the kid’s mom come back – I tell them this story. they also find it hilarious. We all have a friendly chuckle but think little of it. Fast forward to a few months ago. I haven’t seen Emma in a while.

We are at a friends group gathering, and it was a good time all around. When we’re about to call it a day, me and Emma are at the enterance, she’s grabbing her stuff and I’m on my 2nd trip from the car (kid’s toys, kid’s clothes, dirty dishes, Tupperware with leftovers I want etc.) and I call out to Emma’s husband “Hey! Can you call my wife and kid over! Just make sure it’s actually my kid and not some random kid who kinda looks like me.”

I think it’s a hilarious callback. He seems confused and kinda angry. He asks what the hell I’m talking about. Why would he call a random kid? I’m also confused so I tell him the pool story. He doesn’t laugh. Emma doesn’t laugh either. the entire thing now feels kinda awkward. I awkwardly say goodbye, go grab my wife and kid myself and we leave.

Later that day I text Emma to ask if everything is alright. I get no reply. I text again a few days later. no reply. I get the distinct sense I fucked up, but also if she doesn’t wanna talk to me, I’m not gonna force the issue. I leave well enough alone. At worst I thought she was mad at a joke I made which was apparently in poor taste. Boy howdy did I underestimate the fallout of this joke.

A few days ago I arrive at a friend’s place and she’s there. This is an engagement party, so no kids. I wasn’t supposed to come but decided to last minute, and my wife was at home with our kid. Emma sees me and is LIVID. She wasn’t expecting to. she only came because she thought I wouldn’t be here.

She does, however, take the opportunity to tear me a new one though. She calls me out in front of everyone. Because of my “joke” (originally said with air quotes) her husband was furious. From what she said and what I gathered from mutual friends afterwards – she previously commented on someone else’s kid looking like someone who wasn’t his father.

Except that whole thing led to family drama in Emma’s husband’s family because in that case that dude WAS cheating and that was his kid and a whole bunch of people were really hurt in the aftermath. Emma’s husband was FURIOUS because he apparently thought she would know better than to comment on kids looking like people AGAIN.

This sent them down a spiral, especially because the husband apparently thought she told me that other family story – and that I was mocking him for his family drama, and he thought the story I told was just covering for her when I realized I fucked up – this was not the case. I had no idea that whole thing happened.

Still – he didn’t believe Emma when she told him. So they are now separated. She calls me an a**hole and says I ruined her marriage. I am not a confrontational person, I apologize profusely. I say I didn’t know and if she didn’t want me telling the story she should have said something.

She tells me I’m making excuses. This is now a scene. I apologize profusely again and leave quickly after telling the couple a quick congratulations. I am later told this was anything anyone could talk about at the party and now the engaged couple are mad at me too. Emma is even more mad because now EVERYONE knows her drama. I am unfriended and unfollowed on everything.

Some friends think I couldn’t have known better and the joke was pretty benign. Other friends say it was in really poor taste to “throw her under the bus” and I am totally the a**hole. Emma’s best friend (who I also know from college) thinks I DID know about the thing with her husband, and now I’m just covering my own ass to get away with being cruel. It has been a few days and some of my friends will no longer talk to me.

Others think she is wrong to blame me and that marriage was doomed anyway. Still – I feel really guilty about making the joke, and I obviously wouldn’t have made it had I known the trouble it would cause. I like Emma, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I also liked her husband.

I’d like to say that maybe he was wrong to let the marriage implode like that because of a stupid joke, but at the same time I don’t exactly know his family drama and their history, nor the specifics of his relationship with Emma, so I can’t really say he’s wrong or overreacting. The entire thing just kinda sucks.

My wife sortta got my back though. She thinks the joke was hilarious, and actually thinks me breaking up their marriage makes it even funnier, because WTF. She also loves crazy Reddit stories so she sent me to post this… so at least I got that going for me, which is nice.. so… AITA?

Tl;dr – my friend accidentally said someone else’s kid looks like me. I later made a joke about this in front of her husband. Turns out she said something like that before and it destroyed their marriage. She confronted me at an engagement party, and apparently I ruined that too. AITA?

Update: https://aita.pics/RbEhM

Final update: https://aita.pics/ASWHE

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Emma’s husband wanted an out and you gave him one. It wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have even apologized. There was nothing wrong with your joke. Honestly though your friend group sounds like it thrives on drama and you’re probably better off not being friends with the people who took Emma’s side. 

TheSassiestPanda −  NTA – at all. And I love how she freaks out on you and publicly airs her dirty laundry then blames you for everyone learning about the situation she blurted out. 🙄

Ipoopoo69 −  Their relationship has other issues. I don’t think you’re on the hook for this one.

BeachinLife1 −  Good grief, this is beyond ridiculous. What a stupid turn of events…how the heck were you supposed to know that she had done something like that before??

And she really can’t even be blamed for that, the first time it was an innocent observation that she had no idea would go so haywire! Her husband is an i**ot who needs to STFU. She never said to you “Hey, that kid over there looks like you!” **The kid came to you** and asked for a toy, so she had no reason not to think it was your kid. It was totally different from what happened last time.

The joke was just unfortunate timing, but none of this is your fault. Someone needs to tell her that she did not destroy the other couple’s marriage! The guy who cheated and had a kid with someone else destroyed his marriage. NTA.

ExtendedSpikeProtein −  What a clusterf*ck…
1) you didn‘t „throw her under the bus“

2) you‘re not responsible for her marital problems
3) Emma should take responsibility for her own actions and fuckups
4) Emma also created drama at the engagement party and the couple should be furious at her, not you!. NTA

joe-lefty500 −  NTA You had no ill intent. You seem like a decent guy. Hold your head high. You’ve done enough apologizing. Whatever happened to Emma’s marriage isn’t on you.

FeedsBlackBats −  NTA. It’s so much easier to put the blame on you than admit the marriage was s**t. It wasn’t Emma’s fault her husbands whatever had an affair which created a kid. She made an innocent comparison between you and who she thought was your kid, which a lot of people say kids look like their parents, it wasn’t in the same context of her hubby’s crappy relative. You made an innocent joke.

Her hubby is the biggest arsehole for using that to split up, Emma is the next arsehole for using you as the s**pegoat. Next up are your so called friends who aren’t talking to you. Out of everyone YOU are not the arsehole sir.

Substantialgood4102 −  NTA. You knew nothing about Emma’s issues with her husband’s family. Emma should not have made a scene at the engagement party. She was at fault there. You should have told the happy couple to take it up with Emma. Emma and the happy couple are a$$holes for looking to blame their issues on you.

Cute-Profession9983 −  NTA This is clearly not a you issue.

Material_Cellist4133 −  NTA. Also how is this any of your fault? Also, how is it any of Emma’s fault that her husband’s family has a c**ater amongst them?
I think it was a light hearted joke (especially since you all had a good laugh at it at the pool). Is Emma’s husband cheating? No reason to react the way he did unless to be defensive.