AITA for taking up my wife’s workout time?
The user (33m) prefers to run early in the morning while his wife (30f), a stay-at-home mom, works out during the day when childcare is available. Due to a migraine, he decided not to run one morning, which upset his wife as she had hoped to use that time to work out.
She accused him of ruining her day, and he feels her reaction was disproportionate and akin to a child’s tantrum. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for taking up my wife’s workout time?’
I (33m) try to run several times a week but I do it in the mornings (like 6ish) because of work and it will gives me an hour with our baby and toddler to help with the morning before the day starts. My wife (30f) is a STAHM and likes to workout at a gym and yoga studio.
Both which are great because they offer childcare. Generally, the plan is that I run in the mornings before everyone gets up and she works out in the morning during the workday because there’s childcare.
I know that she often prefers the early morning classes at her gym and yoga studio and we’ll sometimes schedule it so that she can go and I just run during lunch or late afternoon (my job is flexible and mostly async thankfully).
I will say that I prefer early mornings runs because it starts my day off right and it’s really hot and humid where we live right now. This week, we planned on me running every morning. On our walk last night, she asked “there’s no any chance me being able to workout in the morning is there?”
I just kind of replied with saying i’d prefer to run in the morning and also referenced the heat wave we’re currently in.Fast forward to this morning, I woke up, got ready and at around 6am decided to not run.
I started having migraines yesterday afternoon (I think because of the heat) and hoped they would be resolved by the morning. I got back upstairs where she’s getting ready for the day. She’s instantly mad at me saying things like, “This is unfair! Why don’t you think of me?” “I sacrifice so much for you. You’ve ruined my whole day.”
She then starts to cry and continues saying how unfair it is and how much I don’t think of her. She goes downstairs and comes back upstairs to again say how I don’t think of her. I tell her that I didn’t purposely try to ruin her day and that I can’t control if I’m not feeling well.
I apologize saying it wasn’t my intent. She’s says intent doesn’t matter. I tell her that her reaction is poor. She says I should have woken her up so she could go workout. “If you were ‘so deathly ill’ you could have told me.” At the point, she wouldn’t have made it to a class.
Both the gym and yoga studio are 20+ minutes away. I totally get being frustrated. It makes sense. I did tell her during the armament that her reaction was poor and it was akin to a 4 year old not getting her snack (should not have done that in hindsight).. Am I the a**hole?
See what others had to share with OP:
xxfupagodxx − NTA for this particular issue, but agree that something else is clearly bothering your partner. Seems like one of those situations where this was her last straw and caused her to blow up. Maybe try talking about it more deeply at the end of the day, without being accusatory.
jrm1102 − Info – This seems like its just a symptom of a larger problem tbh. Sure her reaction does seem like a bit much, but this does feel like you’re not seeing the forest for the trees.
MyCouchPulzOut_IDont − Dude this is about way more than the morning classes at the gym if she’s lashing out like this after you have a headache. It sucks that she came unglued in the midst of your headache but something tells me that it’s more a case of poor timing than making it about her.
She’s having a breakdown because it’s all too much for her. Being a SAHM is unforgiving and sometimes has no structure at all. Morning classes are important for her for the same reason you refuse to just use the flexibility of your job to run during lunch or even a night run?
It gets darker later now, doesnt it? You reacted to a mental breakdown by telling her that she’s acting like she’s 4 – she has a toddler and at this stage she’s already questioning if she has the energy to be a mom. All she hears all day is coco mellon and the sound of her own intrusive thoughts/exhaustion.
You *showed* zero empathy (probably because you had a headache) to your wife who is falling apart at the seams and needs help. for that reason, :::shark tank music crescendos::: YTA
Pleasant_Birthday_77 − INFO: Do you always choose the time you want first and leave her to work around you?
thedartofwar − The 4 year old not getting her snack comment was out of line and you should apologize for that. You aren’t an a**hole for having a headache and deciding not to go for your run, things happen. But it sounds to me like your wife is burnt out and feeling undervalued.
Does she ever get to go to the gym/yoga without the kids? Or is it just expected that she’ll take them because they have childcare there? Because that is a logistical nightmare every time. You get to get up, spend an hour with the baby, and just go for your run.
She has to get up, do housework/breakfast, get herself ready, get the kids ready, get them in the car, drive to her gym, unload the kids, drop them off at childcare, and THEN she gets to workout. That’s a big difference in the way your respective workouts are structured.
If I had to guess, there’s a lot of unseen work being done by her on a daily basis. From task management, to project management, to the projects themselves. There’s so much that goes into keeping a house running.
I would ask you wife if she’s feeling undervalued and, with an open and receptive attitude, get her to tell you what she does on a daily basis. I guarantee it’s more than you think. For the reasons above, NAH, but please talk to your wife.
Less-Audience908 − Here’s the bigger issue: she’s carrying the weight of the entire household and fitting her only “me” time into the gaps that you allow. Your time is your time (hence why you can run or not run depending on how you’re feeling), but her time is essentially shared with you and the kids.
I’m sure that she would like to get her day started with a workout just like you enjoy. Take the argument over the workout as indicative of this larger “time robbery” issue and really hear what she’s saying to you.
MoneyFightThrowaway − YTA Not just for the gym thing but for brushing off her feelings and thinking you’re automatically right. But also for the gym thing. You know she’s dealing with a baby all the time, but you couldn’t even remember her long enough to say a couple words so she’d know she could work out.
Butter_Milk_Blues − She told you what the underlying problem is, you just weren’t listening. She feels she has sacrificed a lot for you but that she isn’t a priority to you in the same way. I wonder, is this is the first time she’s brought up feeling like there’s a power imbalance and priority mismatch in the relationship?
ShiShi340 − Yta why can’t you guys split the week for who gets to workout in the morning? That way everyone gets a little bit of what they want.
prevknamy − YTA. You both want to do early morning workouts so why does she only get to periodically instead of 50% of the time? You’re putting your desires ahead of hers. I’d actually argue that she has more of a claim on there early morning workouts because she’s stuck at home all day and needs time out of the house
Did the user handle the situation poorly, or was his wife’s reaction unreasonable? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!