AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter?
A mother decided to revoke her 13-year-old daughter’s participation in an 8th-grade graduation trip due to ongoing behavioral issues. The daughter had been warned that any further misbehavior could result in losing the trip. The issues included neglecting chores, secretly texting an ex-boyfriend,
coercing her younger sister to lie, and disappearing for over an hour at a school event without informing her parents. Despite the daughter’s distress, the mother felt justified in enforcing consequences to emphasize accountability. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter ?’
I have a 13 year old daughter (almost 14) who is in 8th grade. School let us know about the graduation trip which she really wants to go to but we have been dealing with some behavioral issues. I told her she needs to behave before I would sign her up. A few days went by and I told her it wasn’t enough time yet.
I needed to see more. She was afraid the trip would be filled up and she would be too late. So I agreed to sign her up for the time being but I told her I would withdraw her if more issues arise. She agreed. The type of issues we had up until this point was:
1. She was failing on her chores on a daily basis. (Her chore list is very short. The only daily item is keeping her room clean. Then the weekly item of taking the trash out.)
2. She was secretly texting an ex-boyfriend. Who didn’t treat her well.
3. When she was caught, she tried to get her younger sister to lie and cover for her.
4. Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to “punish” her.
After I signed her up, I told her that she needed to do everything as we say. We are not strict parents so I don’t think it’s unreasonable. School’s Thanksgiving dinner rolls around. We all went. As soon as she got her food, she tried to leave the table to go hang out with a friend (female).
Her dad (my ex) told her to stay for at least a little while. She never asked me or my husband for permission to leave. Soon after she left and I thought it would just be a brief moment. An hour went by and she’s not answering our texts or calls. My husband and I spent the next 40 minutes looking for her.
Couldn’t find her. Finally she answered a call from my ex. She was outside apparently, still with the same friend. That’s when I decided we are taking her out of the trip. She is distraught. AITA here?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Famous_Fee8859 − You’re not strict but has to ask for permission to leave the table? Have you had a discussion about lacking in chores? She’s 13, she is still learning and I can tell you now, any time you say don’t talk to xyz, don’t hang out with xyz, that’s exactly what she’s going to do.
What other behavioral issues are you having that is not normal 13 yr old behavior? I can tell you now, you’re stricter than you say you are.
SlovenlyMuse − In this case, I’m going to have to say YTA. “Do everything we say” and “behave” are not clear, reasonable goals for a 13-year-old. My suggestion: Make a list of things you’ll need her to do to earn the trip and post it in a shared space.
Make this a checklist for chores and other things she CAN do (not things she CAN’T do, like “don’t text so-and-so”). If she doesn’t take out the trash, for example, you can point to the chart to remind her.
This allows her to have clear goals to work towards, that lets her see for herself in realtime how she’s doing, and puts the responsibility entirely on her. Punishing her for talking to her ex is not helpful.
She is at an age where she’s especially vulnerable to romantic mistreatment, as she is just starting to test the waters with dating and relationships. She needs positive support to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships so that she can make those decisions for herself.
Punishment is not helpful for this, and only makes her feel like she can’t trust you enough to tell you if something happens down the line (e.g., if she keeps texting him, and he gets her alone and hurts her,
will she come to you for help, or will she be too scared of losing huge things like grad trips as punishment for talking to him in the first place? No wonder she’s pressuring her sister to lie for her – she’s afraid of you, and is more concerned with protecting herself from YOU than from HIM.)
Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to “punish” her. Have you considered that the younger sister was made to fear the older sister’s punishment the exact same way the older sister has been made to fear YOUR punishment?
She’s modeling the behaviour YOU’VE shown her in her interactions with the people she has perceived authority over. Finally, school trips are great social-emotional teaching opportunities, where she can socialize with her peers in a school-adjacent setting where rules are enforced.
This is a way to encourage pro-social behaviour, and withholding it as a punishment for general rudeness may not be as beneficial for her development as taking the trip might be. A grad trip is a HUGE deal to a 13-year-old. I’m not seeing any “misbehaviour” in this post that is concerning enough to justify this punishment.
Shortestbreath − YTA she doesn’t have behavioral issues. This is normal stuff for a 13 year old. You have seriously misjudged your “strictness” if she has to ask permission to leave the table. The punishment here is wildly disjointed from the crime. I feel bad for this kid.
Hazeygazey − YTA She’s disobeying you in fairly mild ways. She’s 13. She’s going to defy you a little. She’s also going to forget housework because it’s utterly irrelevant to her teenage brain. Does she empty the bin if you stand over her and say ‘that was your job. I want it done now.’ I bet she does.
Messy room? She’s a 13 Yr old. Ffs. Boyfriend who mistreated her?? Jeez, they’re kids. She’s never actually hurt her little sister has she? When your youngest says she’s frightened it’s not because the 13 Yr old is a violent maniac.
It’s because she knows she ‘grassed’ to mum, and that’s against the sibling code. Why can’t she talk to her friends? She didn’t ask because she knows you wouldn’t have let her .If these are the worst things she’s done, you should be thankful you’ve got such a well behaved child. Let her go on her trip
YesterdayLast3609 − I think it’s a slight YTA. I think “do everything we say” is a very broad catch-all, and doesn’t get her necessarily associating every single word you say with the trip at all times. If you narrowed it down to say, the list you just provided, that would be much simpler and straightforward to follow.
In your story above, you are mad at her for something that wasn’t on the list of 4 examples you just gave. It’s hard to punish someone for grey area things that make you upset, especially if you’re not giving clearly defined rules. If one of the things you told her she has to do was eat dinner together with the family, then again you could easily point to that.
Lucky_Six_1530 − YTA. None of these things sound like major issues. So she was outside with a friend? Just talking? How horrible!!! Seriously, she’s 14. Time to relax a bit and let her start finding herself (which includes letting her make mistakes on dating).
babyninjette19 − I think you would be the AH if you cancel her trip. The punishment should fit the crime. Seems like she’s only done little things, but you’re taking away a huge trip that she’ll only get to do once. Her phone should’ve been taken away for the texting thing. And grounding for not doing chores.
Active_Tea9115 − So she was at a thanksgiving dinner, she wanted to go talk to her friends, waited ages to do so (probably the majority of the event if it’s waiting until dinner was over) and then goes off to talk (finally) to her friends.
I guess you expected at a school related function where her friends are that you only expected it to be like 5 minutes out of 5 hours that she was conversing with her peers and not parents? At an event meant to give teens a chance to Hang Out with friends and family in a big location?
She’s IN the school campus at this stage. This is somewhere where chaperones are hanging about. Was she outside the entire campus or outside the loud main building that would probably still be overlooked by chaperones and would probably be quiet enough to have an actual conversation.
If she heard the phone and didn’t respond then it was likely she was actually having an important conversation with her friend about something – something you have no right to drag out under the umbrella of behavioural issues btw,
because if you’re modeling not being allowed to keep secrets and not communicating with friends unless allowed and only then for very short times; then you’re only modeling abuse. If she didn’t hear the phone then be better at communication and give actual timeframes.
That way if it’s something unreasonable like 5 minutes out of five hours she knows how absurdly short it is. I agree with others saying that your parenting is rubbing off on your youngest in that she seems to be modeling that there would be a violent outburst from discovering a secret.
That doing anything wrong always relates to something severe. Which again; priming for abuse.. You’re strict to say the least. Also. Calling talking to an ex a behavioral issue. Seriously?
You’re not even helping anything if he was a**sive, you’re just making it that if she goes back and he is a**sive that she will hide it since you’d likely blame her and punish her if anything happened to her. I really hope you have the mind to not victim blame but I can’t trust you do.
And you cancel a trip over trivial things that shouldn’t be issues, and effectively only not cleaning her room. YTA. And I’m really suspecting she’s neurodivergent from the way you’re using ‘behavioral issue’ as a catch all here.
It’s the exact kind of behavior a parent with disgust over a diagnosis catches everything as being a punishable event. Oh by the way, in case you even think of going down that route; ‘troubled teen’ camps are being outlawed due to systematic abuse and degradation of personal human rights.
Just in case further normal teen behaviour you could be positively modelling for comes into your mind as the end all.
No-College4662 − Daughter doesn’t sound all that bad. Do you want her to be perfect? I think you are being a bit unfair. Soft YTA
Was this a reasonable disciplinary action to teach responsibility, or was it overly harsh for a young teenager? What do you think about the situation? Share your thoughts below!