AITA for taking my ex’s 401k payout?
OP ended her five-year relationship with her ex after becoming fed up with his procrastination and his strong attachment to his mother. Shortly after the breakup, her ex tragically passed away in a car accident.
OP learned that she was still listed as the beneficiary of his 401k, which she decided to claim, believing it was fair compensation for the time they shared. However, her ex’s mother is furious, claiming that OP is being petty and unfair.
OP defended her decision, feeling entitled to the payout, especially given the history with his mother, and told the family they could take legal action if they disagreed.
‘ AITA for taking my ex’s 401k payout?’
My ex was flaky and procrastinated on everything. He was a mama’s boy and the last straw in a relationship was he took his mom to an Ash Wednesday service on Valentine’s Day and I broke up with him that night. We were together 5 years and I was his emergency contact at work. We lived together but I moved out right after that.
He died in a car crash shortly after that. It was tragic and hurt. I never reached out to his family because of the bad blood because of his mother. I found out I was the beneficiary of his 401k. I remembered us discussing it a few years back when we first lived together.
For 5 years we split the bills so I feel like I should get it because we wasn’t broken up that long. His mother is angry with me about it saying I broke his heart when I still feel like him and her are to blame for the relationship.
His family reached out to me and I told them to sue me over it. I told them I wasted 5 years with him so it’s Karma I get the payouts not them. I do believe that. But some people think it’s me being petty to his mom over it.
Check out how the community responded:
Honest-Sector-4558 − Just because you are legally e**itled to the money doesn’t mean you can’t be an AH for taking it. He likely only put you as his beneficiary because he thought you’d marry and you’d stay together.
But you didn’t. You dumped him, and he died shortly after. There’s a good chance he likely would not want the money to go to you since you weren’t together anymore. Most people only update their 401k’s annually if even that often, so it’s reasonable to believe he just hadn’t thought of it yet or didn’t get around to changing it. Obviously, he probably wasn’t expecting he would die in a car accident.
401k’s are also retirement funds that you can contribute to for the entirety of your working career. So just because you split expenses doesn’t mean you contributed his 401k fund. He could have had that fund way before he met you, and contributed to it after.
Morally, you don’t really have any claim to that money, even if you do legally. I think the right thing to do would be to give the money to the family, and if you keep it out of spite I do think YTA.
okIhaveANopinionHERE − NTA – And I am saying NTA as the HR Benefits Person who has needed to make the phone call to the current wife saying that the life insurance money is going to the ex-wife because he never updated his beneficiaries. It is one of the saddest things that I have to do.
Nevertheless, he has had five years to make the update. Legally in the United States, a spouse always has the first claim on retirement accounts (it’s actually legally required that a spouse be the beneficiary and they have to sign off on any other person being given a portion of the funds unless there is a court order), then the employee’s descendants, and lastly the estate.
They would have no basis for a lawsuit. If he never married and he never changed his beneficiaries, then the money is legally yours. Even if you are being TA, you have a legal right to be.
Jazzlike_Property692 − YTA. The money is legally yours, but you’re an a**hole if you keep it. If your ex didn’t die when he did, he clearly would’ve removed you as the beneficiary. It’s clear he would want it to go to his family. You don’t “deserve” this money. You didn’t “waste” 5 years with him.
You were just as much a part of that relationship as he was. You even say that you split the bills, which means that he paid his fair share, so that’s not even remotely a good argument to keep his money. You’re under no legal bounds to relinquish the funds to his family, but you are, in fact, an incredibly immoral and s**tty person.
Exzerofive − I told them I wasted 5 years with him so it’s Karma. Uhh what? Since when does dating someone you like/love considered a waste? If you truly think you were wasting your time, you should have broken up a long time ago. Sounds like you are petty and TAH.
BrofeDogg − YTA and the amount of people saying otherwise is frankly disturbing. I couldn’t imagine doing this even if my ex cheated on me with my best friend and then dumped me. Like you must be financially bankrupt AND morally bankrupt to consider this.
Apart-Scene-9059 − YTA: I’m not talking legally but morally. And I say this because morally I personally couldnt not imagine benefiting from the d**th of an ex after I’m the one who ended it and I would consider myself an a**hole for doing that.
Lormif − YTA. First of all you did not mention how religious the guy was for the issue that broke the camels back, and that is a major red flag. I assume he was very religious and you are not, and that was a wedge between you two.
But even still YOU broke up with him and then he died. While legally it may be yours it is rightfully not as you decided to end things. In addition telling them to sue you over it is very combative, my guess is you were the AH in the relationship as well.
DesertSong-LaLa − INFO: You two splitting bills for 5 years….how does this support your perspective to keep the 401k money? You each contributed equally to living expenses.
Ratbatsard- − This subreddit isn’t “Am I Legally Right?” It’s am I the a**hole. Yes you are most certainly an a**hole for keeping that money. YTA so strongly in this situation.
Maleficent-Ring-7 − It’s karma to die?? YTA, hopefully karma gets you.
Is OP justified in keeping the 401k as the designated beneficiary, or should she consider her ex’s family’s feelings and circumstances? How would you balance legality with respect for family ties?
YTA for the reasons you used to justify why you should have the money. Splitting bills for 5 years? Wasted 5 years being married to him? That’s f**ked up! However, it’s possible he kept you on in case he died because he may have still loved you enough. You broke up with him. Now if he broke up with you and left you in destitute, maybe you would not be the AH. Yeah YTAH
NTA: Pay for his funeral and keep the rest. I live with my husband’s family interference daily.
We are married and the only thing I can see tearing us down are his mother and his sister. This is payback for constantly poking their nose in our affairs. Several times my MIL tried to give away MY car (that I had before marriage) to other family members. If they were normal people, I might have shared the proceeds.
Take the money and go on an exotic beach vacation and take a picture of yourself wearing a thong bikini. Ask: Can you feel me now b**ch?
How much money was in the 401k? How long had he been paying into it? I personally dont believe yta.
legally all taxes will be passed on to her no matter if she gave it to his family she is stuck with the bill for the taxes. if she is young that will cost her alot to do anything with it . best to talk to finance advisor about it
I would say that if the money is hers, so is the obligation to cover his final expenses. I would ask for a detailed listing of medical and funeral costs and reimburse the family for those costs at least. I’d also look at the timing of the contributions, to see what occurred during the time you were together, and give the family the other.
YTA because morally it belongs to his family, not you. But obviously you have no morals since you broke up with him for taking his mother to religious service that is once a year vs taking you to dinner anytime. I’m glad you believe in karma because it’s gonna catch up with you!
YTA….that money could have been used to pay for his funeral. Depending on how much was in the fund, at least make sure those expenses are covered. Then maybe use the rest to make a donation, in his name to a charity.