AITA for taking my ex-gf off my insurance policy to force her to give me full custody of my daughter?

A Redditor wrestles with a morally complex decision: they removed their ex-girlfriend, who is disabled and financially struggling, from their insurance policy to secure full custody of their 15-year-old daughter, citing her emotional well-being and safety. The outcome ensured their daughter’s happiness but left their ex in dire straits. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for taking my ex-gf off my insurance policy to force her to give me full custody of my daughter?’

Me and my ex gf, Hayley, have one daughter 15F, Elle. I genuinely don’t know if I was right to do what I did. Around 4 years ago, Hayley had a very bad accident. That ended with her being wheelchair bound. This caused her to develop a lot of resentment towards me. She would get angry if I worked out or played any sports. So, I stopped doing anything physical mostly.

We tried counseling for a year and things didn’t improve. In the end, we broke up. Ever since Elle was born, I took out a private insurance for me, Elle and Hayley. This helped out a lot when she had her accident. Post break up, I still kept her in my insurance because she couldn’t find any work and I knew if I dropped her from the insurance, she wouldn’t be able to afford any treatments.

It’s been 2 years since then. We have 50/50 custody, so I don’t pay any child support. In the beginning, I kept a very keen eye to make sure that she didn’t resent Elle like she resented me. She didn’t, so I relaxed. She is still on that insurance because she is not able to find any job except wellfare. I wanted both Hayley and Elle to be well, so I kept the insurance.

Half a year ago when Elle came to stay, I noticed that she was very depressed and had gotten very fat compared to before. Nothing overweight. But Elle does ballet and I have never seen her put on that much weight. Turns out Hayley forbade Elle from doing ballet because “Hayley used to do ballet and Elle is just trying to rub her face in it”.

The same for any physical activities like sports or exercising. With the quarantine, it must have been hell to live like that. Elle pretty much broke down and said that for the past few months, things have been escalating to the point that she is scared to walk inside her own house. She just stays in her room and comes out only to eat.

Elle just begged me to go to court, so that I can get full custody. Elle is at an age where her opinion matter in court, but it’s almost impossible to get 100 percent custody in my state unless I can prove incompetency, according to my lawyer. So, I dropped her from the insurance. Elle was supposed to stay with me for the next 6 months.

Hayley couldn’t get a job. She wiped out her savings as she had to pay for all her treatments. It was getting to the point that she couldn’t even afford to get basic things for herself, let alone Elle. I also applied for sole custody. Given her financial situation and the pandemic and Elle’s preference, the judge gave me full custody with supervised visitation for Hayley.

Hayley didn’t have a good representation at court due to her financial situation. Also, there is a pandemic going on. I left an already vulnerable person without any medical insurance. I know I did what i had to do to protect my child.

But I did so by taking advantage of the medical expenses of a disabled woman. Elle is happy. Hayley obviously thinks I am a m**ipulative b**tard. Everyone seems to have mixed opinions. AITA here?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  Elle just begged me to go to court, so that I can get full custody. At this point, there are no rules or obligations or important factors outside of this one right here. Your child begged to get out of their situation, you made that happen. That is what a parent does. My hat is off to you, sir. I pity the mother, but she did this to herself.. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Soooo not the AH. Your ex bullied your child into unhealthiness because she was bitter. She took her anger at her situation out on her own child, intentionally. You did a kind thing for her, even keeping her on your insurance after the breakup at all. She spat on it by damaging the one beautiful thing you had between you: your daughter.

You protected a child. Protection of a child well outranks protection of a m**ipulative narcissist. You did the right thing. You sound like a good person, so of course your conscience will weigh heavy. But rest assured, protecting your child was 1000% the right way to go. You trusted the woman to care for and love your daughter. She broke your trust. You don’t owe her a damn thing.

FruitcakeAndCrumb −  You did a s**tty thing to save your kid from a life of feeling guilty she had a childhood. NTA

FluffyFireAngel −  As a disabled person myself experiencing similar (internal) jealousies when I see people do things I used to be able to do, SOOOOOOO NTA. At all. Even a little. You saved your daughter, plain and simple.

You saved her life. You saved her mental health. And you saved your relationship with the person who should mean the most to you in the world. Good on you. Edit: Thank you for my first awards!

cyfermax −  NTA. She used her own resentment to punish your daughter for doing exercise… It’s a s**tty situation, but she was the one making your child unhappy for no benefit at all, and your absolute first responsibility is to your kid, not your ex.

henchwench89 −  NTA keeping her on your insurance for as long as you did was more than generous. But she bullied your daughter into becoming unhealthy and your child must and should always come first.

Elle begged you to get full custody and you did that for her. Hayley has no one but herself to blame for her current situation (i dont mean being wheelchair bound. The being kicked off ger exes insurance and losing custody of her child)

feeshandsheeps −  INFO: did you try to deal with this in any other way before jumping to the nuclear option? I mean, you’re obviously right to protect your child but did you explore any alternatives (eg a discussion with your ex) first?

Rcnal22 −  She’s lucky you kept her on this long.

Sarahbeara13 −  Absolutely NTA. You were doing your job as a father and protecting your child.

Revolutionary-Yak-47 −  NTA. Your not responsible for your ex’s healthcare, it was generous to pay as long as you did. Most places have options for very low income people to get assistance. Hayley has no right to abuse Elle and you did the right thing by saving your daughter before she had a lifetime of emotional issues.

Did this Redditor go too far in securing custody of their daughter, or were their actions justified to protect her well-being? How would you balance compassion for an ex-partner with the needs of your child? Share your thoughts below!