AITA for taking my biological nieces on days out and excluding my adopted nephew?

A 42-year-old woman plans to take her biological nieces, 14-year-old Flo and 11-year-old Ivy, on a Christmas-themed outing in London, alongside her own daughter, 12-year-old Ava. However, her adopted nephew, 10-year-old Ryan, is not included due to behavioral challenges and differing interests.

Ryan’s mother, Kate, asked for him to join, but the woman declined, explaining it’s meant to be a “girls’ day” and she’s uncomfortable managing Ryan’s needs in such a setting.

This led to accusations of favoritism, ableism, and excluding Ryan because he is adopted. Flo is begging for Ryan not to come, while Ivy feels torn. Family members are divided, with some supporting her decision and others calling her out. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for taking my biological nieces on days out and excluding my adopted nephew?’

 I (42F) have two nieces Flo (14F), Ivy (11F) and a nephew Ryan (10M) through my bro Tom (46M) and SIL Kate (45F). Flo and Ivy are biologically theirs and they adopted Ryan two years ago after fostering him for three years.

I live locally to them, we are super close usually and have my own daughter Ava (12F) who my nieces are close to.  Before foster care, Ryan’s life was awful and he has some behavioural and developmental issues.

He struggles to sit through long things such as shows quietly, whether it be in the theatre or the girls’ plays/ recitals so the girls rarely have both parents supporting them.

His behaviour is sometimes pretty unpredictable and he sometimes has pretty loud and physical meltdowns so they have to be careful where they take him. As such whenever me/hubby take Ava to the theatre or other activities which Ryan wouldn’t like, we bring the girls along too.

Sometimes Tom and Kate pay for them, sometimes we do. We have never bought Ryan out without his parents and sisters because he has really different interests to the girls, I don’t feel confident handling his behaviour and Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value the Ryan-free time.

I’ve made extra effort to be there since then; Ryan’s a great kid but he needs a lot of attention and my nieces need people who are 100% in their corner. Anyways, I am taking the girls to a Christmas theme park in London on Friday.

It’s quite an expensive one (UK readers, if you know, you know) and I have the joy of footing the bill for all three. On Sunday, I got a call from Kate asking if Ryan could come with us on Friday. He had seen adverts and heard the girls talking about it, and wants to go. She offered to pay for whatever he did.

I told Kate no as I didn’t know what he was like in crowds, she said he went two years ago and loved it, and his sisters were there to help him if he was struggling.

I said that wasn’t fair on them, I booked it as a girl’s trip and it is supposed to be a treat and I don’t want it getting cut short and I don’t feel comfortable parentifying the girls. I know Tom’s taking Ryan to London next week so told Kate to book tickets on that day, but by that point she wasn’t listening.

She criticised me for insinuating siblings caring for eachother was parentifying me, and accused me of being ableist as Ryan can’t help his conditions and shouldn’t be excluded, as well has being biased against the kid I’m not related to.

It got very fiery and ended with me saying read the room, it’s a girls day and her hanging up. Anyways, she went to the girls and said either they ask me for Ryan to come or they can’t go.

Flo texted me begging to not let him come and asking if they can still join us, while Ivy is more torn up as she doesn’t want her brother to be left out but also doesn’t want to risk her day being ruined. My mother, Tom and sister have contacted me saying I should bring Ryan as to not show favourites and to be inclusive. Husband is on my side. AITA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

jigsawsandroses −  NTA. You’re right – Flo and Ivy need someone in their corner and are lucky to have an aunt who takes them to do stuff their brother can not. Are their parents usually not in their corner? And are they parentified?

Dramatic_Attempt4318 −  OP – I really admire what you do for Flo and Ivy, and you are right in that they need people in their corner. The time they have to engage in their own interests without any external pressures is really valuable.

However: ESH. You have completely omitted your nephew from any planning you’ve done, based on what you’ve said. You’ve *never* done anything solo with Ryan. Your favoritism is pretty impossible to ignore, and it’s pretty certain he’s picked up on it.

Your sister is horning in on preexisting plans. That’s not ok. She’s putting her daughters in the middle. *That* is not ok. It is okay to do solo trips with the kids. But you absolutely have left Ryan hanging out to dry which is why this is ESH.

I do not agree with your sister picking this event as her hill to die on, but I think you and she should have discussed long ago how to mimic the “girls’ days out” with Ryan.

Starting small so you can assess whether or not you can manage his behaviour, and then playing within the boundaries where you are comfortable – but as you seem thoughtful, considerate, and observant, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to figure out some outings for you and Ryan.

This specific outing sounds like it’s big, and it’s possibly got a lot of risky factors for Ryan so I think it’s reasonable to not be comfortable with this being your first outing with him without his parents.

But I *do* think you need to accept that you’ve been showing flagrant favoritism to the girls and should step up & be better, to be more equitable in your treatment of all three kids.

lawfox32 −  NTA. I notice that Kate didn’t offer to have her or Tom come with and make sure Ryan does okay, which would have allayed all of your concerns. Also, you’re paying, so it’s rude for her to ask you to pay for, and watch, another child.

It doesn’t sound like Kate has expressed an issue with you taking the girls and not Ryan before, so it’s not fair for her to lay down ultimatums now, for an event that she already agreed to and that was already planned,

and it was very inappropriate for her to tell her daughters that they have to ask you if Ryan can come or they can’t go. Either she can say no to them going without him, or let them go, but she shouldn’t put her kids in the middle like that.

hawkisgirl −  Winter Wonderland is loud and crowded (and awful). Is that really a good place for 1 adult to be taking a teen and 3 kids, 1 with behavioural issues? If Kate wants Ryan to join in, she should at least come along to be an extra supervising adult.. ETA: typo on the number of kids

Hot-Activity849 −  I struggle with this one as someone who as a child who was in similar shoes as Ryan; so I deeply feel for him wanting to be involved and it’s unfortunate that it’s not a possibility. But if his behavior is bad enough to cause scenes/problems it’s 100% reasonable to say no.. NTA

RageNap −  INFO: Do you ever take just Ryan out without the girls? Or do you just take the girls out without Ryan?

Rude_Egg_6204 −  Nta. My wife has a similar issue. Our kids are grown up so she takes her niece out as she is well behaved and enjoys doing girly things.
There are also two nephews to another family member, wife refuses to take them out. They are complete little shits that won’t stop misbehaving. Life is too short to take on extra s**t.

TJ671BE −  I have a “Ryan” who is my biological son. I have a daughter who needs time away and when we all go away she gets put on hold bc of his needs. It’s not right and we are making changes now. The parents should reconize and offer to come.

And help or let their daughters have their own time. Being a sibling of a special needs child is very hard. Family time is amazing and alone time is also needed or they will grow resent!!!

OldWorldBlews −  NTA. Kids with major emotional and behavioral problems are an extra handful, especially in crowds and with people they aren’t extremely comfortable with. Expecting his sisters to pick up the slack is no bueno, either.

They deserve to be kids and making them feel responsible for their brothers behaviors is ridicuous. If Ryans mom wanted it to be a whole family outing, she should have volunteered to come too!

Madmattylock −  NTA. Your sister must want her daughters to resent Ryan.

Is the OP wrong for prioritizing the girls’ experience over inclusivity for her adopted nephew? Should she reconsider or stand firm on her plans? Share your thoughts below!