AITA For stopping my children spending time alone with their Grandmother ?

A woman has decided to stop her children from spending time alone with their grandmother due to safety concerns stemming from the grandmother’s disability and recent alarming incidents.

Despite attempts to set boundaries, the grandmother perceives their actions as discrimination against her disability. The family struggles to balance maintaining relationships while prioritizing the children’s safety. read the original story below…

‘ AITA For stopping my children spending time alone with their Grandmother ?’

My (35F) and my brother Matt (31M) grew up with our mother who is diagnosed with a disability. we would have relatives / friends of the family tell us off for not doing more. when I was 10 I was told I am not doing enough to help and I should be making sure the house is clean and ensuring the washing was being done.
Her disability is one that affects her physical health progressively and her mental health is also impacted by this. She has been using an electric chair for years but until 2 years ago was able to move around the her house. Her disability also affects her physical health and she battles infections a lot..

Matt – 5M Jamie 9F Fliss. I have 6F Laura & 8F Poppy. When the children were younger our mother was healthier and she was able to look after the children, We wanted to enable the grandparent relationship. Recently whilst Fliss was staying there (7 at the time) she left her outside on a main road in a city whilst she went shopping.

The she and Fliss met a man in a park, she let Fliss go to walk a dog with him and gave him her address, she did not have any details of this man, except first name. Fliss was returned 2 hours later!

After this I set very clear boundaries that she was not to leave children with anyone and if they are going out she must remain with them at all times. Jamie and Laura have advised they have got stuck in an apparatus ant the park and could not get down until a passer helped.

There have been many times one of the kids have said that she has fallen over / fallen out of her wheelchair when they have been out. Both Matt and I and SO’s have tried explaining our concerns. We have been called over dramatic, anxious, controlling.

Her falls are getting worse and she constantly battles infections. In Feb she had sepsis. This was very sudden and was in hospital 3 months. During my SO and I helped and visited daily sometimes with our kids sometimes not.

We helped her move house to somewhere with a care element, it broke us mentally managing this alongside work, schooling and extracurricular activities. we were advised her needs have changed and she needs to be in her wheelchair all the time and that she is at high risk of sepsis.

Sepsis is hard to spot in her and from research can come on with a hour. Matt and I have made a decision that due to her actions in the recent years with the children and due to her own health, we do not think it is appropriate for her to solely look after the children and will do things as a family and ensure she is included.

She keeps saying how she is going to do X Y and Z with them, when I gently remind about it and suggest one of us come she blows up and says we are discriminating against her disability, which hurts, as this is about the safety of our children.

Recently she has been rude and vile about myself and Matt and SO’s. we find spending time with her hard but are pushing through for family. Matt and his SO are at the point where he is reluctant to engage with her at all.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

LeaveInteresting3290 −  Why the f**k did you let her look after your kids again after she let your daughter go off with a stranger ? Telling her that she must remain with them if she has them in no way ensures she will do that. 

Nester1953 −  Your mother is unable to look after your children. She lacks the physical capacity and clearly her judgment is impaired to the point that she has endangered them. You would not only be a bad parent, you would be a negligent parent, were you to leave children with an adult who can’t assure their safety.

There are many people in the world who for one reason or another cannot take care of children safely. It is not discrimination for parents to allow their children only to be cared for by people with the ability to do so competently.

Your mother lacks that ability. She can call it discrimination, or cruel, or mean, or whatever term she chooses. It doesn’t matter. Your children’s well-being is more important that whether you mother’s nose is out of joint.

And unfortunately she doesn’t have the insight to recognize the harm that could come to her grandchildren should you relent. Your decision is sound. Stay strong. NTA

Primary-Criticism929 −  Even without her disability, I wouldn’t let her look after little kids all on her own. She let the 7 year old go with a perfect stranger for 2+ hours. That shows bad judgement.. NTA.

Few_Ad_5752 −  NTA. Due to her anger and poor decision-making, it seems clear that her illness is progressing. She may not see the changes but you do.
You’re doing everything you can to make her feel included and to keep her safe, and you have taken steps to ensure that your children are safe as well. As long as you can tolerate her behavior, and provided that your family is not suffering, things are going as well as they can for now.

lifelearnlove −  NTA. As a parent you are responsible for ensuring the safety of your children. I feel for your mother, and the challenges and hardships she faces, but nothing about her situation makes it OK to put your children at risk.

LetsGetsThisPartyOn −  ESH
You left your kids with her AFTER she let a kid off for 2 hours with a random!. Wow

hendrix-copperfield −  NTA. No way, just no. My grandmother is over 90, and she’s still mentally sharp and in pretty good shape for her age. She’s wonderful with my kids (her great-grandchildren), but I would never leave her alone with them outside. If she were to fall, she wouldn’t be able to get up on her own. Plus, kids at that age—like my three-year-old—don’t exactly listen when they see something interesting.
If your mom isn’t physically or mentally able to care for your kids, it’s just not safe to leave her alone with them. Honestly, you and your mom would never forgive yourselves if something happened while she was supposed to be watching them. It’s about keeping everyone safe, and that’s what really matters.

hadMcDofordinner −  NTA No more child-minding for your mother. She is no longer trustworthy.

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a**hole:
1. We have put clear boundaries in place and have stopped her having one on one time with the grandchildren. Due to our concerns for their safety and well being and the impact on her health having to be a responsible care giver.
2. She believes we are in the wrong and discriminating due to her disability stating that there are lots of disabled parents in wheelchairs in the world – this is not the reason we have done this. It is due to her decisions around her actions. Our worry about her lack of awareness or consideration of safety.. Help keep the sub engaging!. #Don’t downvote assholes!. Do upvote interesting posts!
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My (35F) and my brother Matt (31M) grew up with our mother who is diagnosed with a disability. we would have relatives / friends of the family tell us off for not doing more. when I was 10 I was told I am not doing enough to help and I should be making sure the house is clean and ensuring the washing was being done.
Her disability is one that affects her physical health progressively and her mental health is also impacted by this. She has been using an electric chair for years but until 2 years ago was able to move around the her house. Her disability also affects her physical health and she battles infections a lot.. Matt – 5M Jamie 9F Fliss. I have 6F Laura & 8F Poppy
When the children were younger our mother was healthier and she was able to look after the children, We wanted to enable the grandparent relationship.
Recently whilst Fliss was staying there (7 at the time) she left her outside on a main road in a city whilst she went shopping. The she and Fliss met a man in a park, she let Fliss go to walk a dog with him and gave him her address, she did not have any details of this man, except first name. Fliss was returned 2 hours later!
After this I set very clear boundaries that she was not to leave children with anyone and if they are going out she must remain with them at all times.
Jamie and Laura have advised they have got stuck in an apparatus ant the park and could not get down until a passer helped
There have been many times one of the kids have said that she has fallen over / fallen out of her wheelchair when they have been out.
Both Matt and I and SO’s have tried explaining our concerns. We have been called over dramatic, anxious, controlling.
Her falls are getting worse and she constantly battles infections. In Feb she had sepsis. This was very sudden and was in hospital 3 months. During my SO and I helped and visited daily sometimes with our kids sometimes not. We helped her move house to somewhere with a care element, it broke us mentally managing this alongside work, schooling and extracurricular activities. we were advised her needs have changed and she needs to be in her wheelchair all the time and that she is at high risk of sepsis. Sepsis is hard to spot in her and from research can come on with a hour.
Matt and I have made a decision that due to her actions in the recent years with the children and due to her own health, we do not think it is appropriate for her to solely look after the children and will do things as a family and ensure she is included. She keeps saying how she is going to do X Y and Z with them, when I gently remind about it and suggest one of us come she blows up and says we are discriminating against her disability, which hurts, as this is about the safety of our children.
Recently she has been rude and vile about myself and Matt and SO’s. we find spending time with her hard but are pushing through for family. Matt and his SO are at the point where he is reluctant to engage with her at all.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*