AITA for speaking on behalf of my fiancée’s child?

A man (28M) spoke up after his fiancée (29F) threw her son (8M) a big birthday party against the child’s wishes, resulting in no one showing up. The boy, who struggles socially at school, had asked for a small celebration with just them, but his mom hoped a larger event might help him socially.

After seeing the boy devastated, the man told his fiancée they should have respected the boy’s wishes. She accused him of overstepping, emphasizing it’s her son, not his, even though he plays an active fatherly role. Now, tension lingers in their relationship, and he wonders if he crossed a line. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for speaking on behalf of my fiancée’s child?’

My fiancée (29F) and I (28M) have been together for two years. For the most part, things are really good. She has a son (8M) from a previous relationship. The dad isn’t involved. Together we’re our own little family unit. The issue is over the son’s recent birthday party.

He’s having trouble in school and has been made a target. My fiancée and I have both talked to the school. They give the same lip service. I suggested changing schools, but my fiancée says no school’s perfect. The son wanted a small birthday party. Nothing major.

He just wanted to spend the day with us at a park. My fiancée instead made him invite his entire class and planned a big day. Not a single child came. It was just us with trays of food and a bunch of birthday decorations. Waiting was the worst part. He’s had some rough days, but I’ve never seen him so down.

He was humiliated. It bothered me, and I felt something needed to be said. My fiancée and I had a talk that night, and I stated that I thought we should’ve listened to what the son actually wanted instead of pushing a big party.

She believed that I should be supporting her and said it’s not my place to interfere with matters involving her son. There was an emphasis on “her son.” Our talk turned into a big argument. Her comment was a blow. I realize I’m not the bio dad, but I’m the constant male figure in his life.

We’ve grown close. I’m the one who has those serious talks with him, I’m someone he asks for advice, who drops him off at school and picks him up, I help him with homework, engage in his interests, show up on outings, etc. I might not be his bio dad, but don’t treat me like some uninvolved bystander.

My fiancée was always popular in school. She doesn’t relate. I know what it’s like to be unwanted in a room. I know what it’s like to hate being in the school hall. My fiancée just believes he needs to try harder to assert himself. There’s still some tension between my fiancée and myself.

Thanksgiving was awkward, which is ironic since it’s supposed to be about thankfulness. The son has started to notice the rift and asked about it. My fiancée feels I overstepped. I feel differently. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

WoodlandElf90 −  NTA. Your fiancee completely overlooked what her son wanted and made it worse for him. That poor child, his heart must’ve broken so much when no one showed up. What was she thinking? She knew what he was going through and still went ahead with HER wishes.

I don’t care if she was popular in school. Her son is different, and she needs to realise that before she pushes more of her moronic ideas on him. And I hate the fact that she used the “her son” card. What are you then? I’m sorry, but she is completely unreasonable.

If you do not get to have any opinions about “her son,” then why is she OK with you being a father figure to him? My opinion is that she realised that she fucked up and now she’s trying to save face.

And that sucks because she is proving to be quite immature. She should’ve accepted the fact that she was in the wrong instead of challenging your position in the boy’s life. That poor boy. I feel so bad for him.

animaniactoo −  NTA. You are advocating for a kid who made his wishes known and then had a massively humiliating experience when they weren’t honored. You don’t even have to be a parent to do that kind of advocating. Just a freaking human who cares about the kids.

Supporting her doesn’t mean lining up behind what she wants to do. It means having her back as she figures out that maybe sometimes she needs to do something different. Also, it doesn’t mean just going along when you know or strongly believe she’s wrong.

It means speaking up so that she can take another look at situations and think about making a different choice in the future. And frankly… sometimes it is very okay to NOT try harder to assert yourself. He’ll likely end up with a few solid friends who will mean a lot more than the level of friendship he could have with several people at once.

East_Parking8340 −  It’s funny isn’t it, her child, her rules and yet you’re expected to undertake parental activities and provide parental financial support.
She cannot have it both ways. She really doesn’t want to put her child first, to ensure that he doesn’t end up a statistic of some sort, such a silly woman.

Are you planning to have children with her? If you are, how will that work? Will she expect you to treat him to the same things you treat your own child(ren) or will he be segregated? I suspect it’s time for ‘the discussion’.. NTA

StAlvis −  NTA. Not a single child came.. #YIKES.

mimcat3 −  Nta: by inviting the class, I hope she’s aware that she just opened her son up for more ridicule and tormenting. Everyone will know that nobody came. I don’t know what she is thinking.

You have every right to speak up for him, and she should be thankful that you want to. Yes this very well may be because she was popular and her son isn’t, and she doesn’t ask.

TN-Belle0522 −  NTA. Little Miss Popular thinks her kid HAS to want to be popular, too, and is trying to force this on her kid, in an environment where it sounds like he’s being bullied. She’s setting him up for severe social anxiety, at the least, if the kid is lucky.

If the b**lying gets worse as he gets older, you’re looking at risks for self-harm, disordered eating, and worse. You need to lead her to internet forums for b**lying, and get her to read some of the horror stories. If she can’t listen to her kid, and stand up for HIM, someone has to.

maleficentwasright −  She cares more about her sons social status than his mental health. She cares more about how *her* school experience than what her son is currently experiencing.

She cares more about being right and proving a point (expecting people to show up and/or expecting him being popular/not have problems after the party) rather than listening to him.

She undermined your relationship with her son and your experiences growing up. No one else’s feelings, needs, or wants were addressed in this situation, *but her own*. Let that sink in.. NTA.

Euphoric_Travel2541 −  NTA. I would feel as you do, that since you are engaged to marry, and you’ve been together since the boy was six, and you’ve developed a good relationship together, and you are a family already, you deserve to be heard on this and other topics.

You care for him, he cares for you, and you will soon be his stepfather. Perhaps you will adopt him. You are in the right, I think, about listening to him and being sensitive to what’s going on at school. He must have felt so awful!

His mother needs to dig into this much further to learn more – this can be life-changing b**lying and isolation. If I may suggest that you encourage your fiancée to speak to a couple of parents in the child’s class, befriend them, have them for dinner.

This may lead to a few natural playdates that don’t look overly arranged, but your son can benefit from. And look into scouting for him, which can draw on a wider group than the school class, and can build skills and confidence. She is the biological parent, yes. She gets the final decision.

But she should take input and advice from you, her partner. If she doesn’t, she has a blind spot. Perhaps it is too hard for her to see what is going on with him. You see it for what it is. Help her come around to it, by looking together at what might help him, instead of confronting each other over this last event. He needs both of you united to help him.

Malibu_Cola −  NTA. You sound like a better parent than your fiancé. You actually listen to her kid, or try to, and she steamrolls what he wants. Why was she setting up her own son for humiliation?! You sound like a very good guy. Her son is lucky to have you.

Should a stepparent or parental figure have a say in decisions like this, especially when they’re actively involved? Or was it right for the fiancée to set boundaries on her parenting decisions? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!