AITA for snapping at my parents for scolding me for grounding my son for b**lying a boy in his class?

A Redditor shared a parenting dilemma about disciplining their 9-year-old son for bullying and dealing with criticism from their parents. Despite their efforts to address the behavioral issues with therapy and structured consequences.

The grandparents disagreed with their methods, causing a heated exchange. Should the user stand firm or apologize for snapping? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for snapping at my parents for scolding me for grounding my son for b**lying a boy in his class?’

I (40F) have 3 children (13M, 11F and 9M) with my husband, Josh (40M). Our youngest, Ryan, is in 4th grade. Ryan is a smart kid, he performs above grade level academically. Ryan’s always had issues with respecting people, we have had him in therapy since he was 3 or 4.

We have had him seen by many, many specialists and psychologists but he has never been diagnosed with anything. His misbehavior isn’t really about disobeying authority as much as it is being rude and a b**ly at times. Ryan went to a private elementary school until earlier this year, when he was expelled after numerous incidents.

Ryan started at his new school a few months ago, he already has got in trouble for disrespecting his teacher, mainly because she is a woman. He’s made comments about how he won’t listen to a girl and has questioned if she’s smart enough to teach him. We don’t know where he gets this from, he isn’t allowed a phone.

The only one with a phone is our oldest, Blaze, and he despises Ryan, and they don’t really talk to each other much, so we highly doubt it’s him, especially since Blaze has never said anything sexist like that. Ryan recently got in trouble for b**lying another student.

Ryan’s teacher is currently very pregnant and about to go on maternity leave, she’s been in and out of the classroom and in all of the chaos of things, this was missed. A sub noticed this behavior on Wednesday and informed Ryan’s teacher, we got a call from her on Thursday detailing everything.

Ryan’s b**lying included several incidents. The kids go to library as one of their specials. This boy plays basketball and gets kids versions of biographies of stars like Kobe Bryant and Lebron James. Ryan made comments about how the books were “too easy” for 4th graders,

how they were boring, and asked this boy why he wanted to “learn about so many Black people” (both Ryan and the bullied boy are white). Ryan would call this boy Blaze, because “he acts like Blaze” (as I mentioned, Blaze is our oldest), this boy is not named Blaze.

Ryan said the boy is like Blaze because both are athletic, skinny, annoying and called them the r slur. Ryan also got upset that this boy didn’t like it when he tried to talk about his interests like comic books or science to him. Ryan called this boy “gay” because he hugs his male friends in class.

This boy is a popular kid, and said he didn’t want to tell the teacher because she was pregnant and he felt bad for “Ryan and his geeky friends, no one really likes them” and he didn’t want to make them feel worse about themselves, Ryan was directing his friends to participate in the b**lying as well.

This all happened over a span of about 2 weeks. My husband and I were furious about this and grounded him, we took away his Playstation privileges (which he is only allowed to use with us watching) and told him he would have to do some form of community service to make up for this.

We bought some anti-b**lying books, which have not worked in the past but as I’ve said, we’ve exhausted everything. He’s in therapy twice a week, we have taken him to anti-b**lying events, made him read books and do research on the effects of bigotry, but he just does not care.

My mother and father are much more lenient on him than we are, and because of that, we don’t see them as much anymore because we feel like they incentivize his bad behavior, but they’re still family and we do see them every few months.

My parents came last night to stay the weekend, as there is a Christmas fair happening in our town, we’ve gone every year since I can remember. My parents now live 2 hours away, so it’s easier for them to stay at my place or a sibling’s place.

Shortly after they came in, we started talking and I told them that Ryan and Josh weren’t going this year. They asked why and I explained how Ryan was grounded, and when I told them the story, they said I was being too harsh on Ryan.

They said going to a new school after being expelled from an old was a “traumatic experience” and that’s probably why he’a acting up. They said punishing him more would only cause more trauma. I snapped at them and asked them if they had any better solutions.

I asked them how to stop Ryan from being a mean kid and they said that he will just mature on his own. I continued to ask them for actual solutions and we argued some more until they went out to go for a walk. When they came back, they said that they wouldn’t discuss this further but wanted an apology for me snapping at them.

I told them I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. They keep pushing me telling me they always taught me to apologize when I made a mistake and I should lead by example for Ryan. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

FrostyVibessss −  You’re taking your son’s behavior seriously. Ryan’s b**lying behavior is unacceptable, and you’re taking appropriate steps to address it, including therapy, grounding, and consequences.

ScatterTheReeds −  NTA, but there’s something more going on with Ryan. It’s either something happened to him that you don’t know about that made him that way, or it just in his nature to enjoy being cruel. 

Most-Bench6465 −  NTA just like you said your parents incentivize his behavior they see nothing wrong with it. Calling him being expelled by his terrible behavior a traumatic experience lets us know further how deluded they are.

If you want Ryan to be like them continue your contact, but I suspect that’s not what you want so you need to explain how serious this is then go even lower contact or cut it all together.

As for Ryan if you don’t want him to turn into a misogynistic r**ist b**ly you need to pay attention to him a lot more. I suggest monitoring him in silence before trying to curve his behavior, find the root and pull it out not cut or it just will grow back.

When you say you monitor him while he plays the PlayStation are you allowing him to play in the room with you while you do other things or are you looking directly at what he’s consuming (and listening to what’s being said if he’s using chat)?

Goddessdepollo −  If this is real, 9 year olds don’t say sexist, r**ist, h**ophobic nonsense without being exposed to it, REPEATEDLY. B**lying is one thing but the WAY he is b**lying is indicative of something. If the therapist who sees him can’t figure out where he is learning the insults he chooses to use then you need to get a new therapist.

I have a hard time believing this is real bc why would you put a 3/4 year old in therapy and keep him there for the rest of his life and how does a 9 year old magically know these concepts without his therapist or the adults he routinely speaks to knowing where it came from All these insults are associated with extremist right wing stuff on the internet.

He’s 9. Either you know who is feeding him this, you don’t actually parent your child enough to know who he spends his time with which is the cause of the behavior, or this is fake. Middle school I could see bc classmates but 9 year old aren’t saying this stuff.

Organic-Mix-9422 −  You need a new or different type of therapist. You also need a psych evaluation in case he has a personality disorder. That is not normal for that age.

Malphas43 −  Tell your parents they should practice what they preach and apologize to YOU for undermining/insulting you and your parenting.

Mother_Search3350 −  You need to get a tighter grip on your 4th grader.  He is r**ist,mysoginistic and h**ophobic and verbally a**sive to his peers and a b**ly.  It’s totally inappropriate for a 9 year old child and borderline sociopathic behavior. He has already been expelled from one school for that behavior..

His own siblings despise him. You are going to be visiting him in a Juvenile facility very soon if his behavior continues and any of those children’s parents decide to escalate any complaints against him. 

Apprehensive_War9612 −  NTA. Your parents are overstepping and you don’t owe them an apology. You should teach your child to apologize when they’ve done something wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong by telling your parents that you’re trying to parent and if they don’t have solutions, then they need to mind their business.

Ignoring the problem and expecting that he’ll mature out out of it is not helpful. As for your son, he is absolutely getting this behavior from someplace. I have worked with children and I do know that sometimes children can be a bit arrogant.

Especially ones who are very smart they can come off as condescending or insulting to other kids and feel that other kids are beneath them intellectually. But your son is displaying r**ist, bigoted, and misogynistic behaviors. That comes from somewhere and you need to do a deeper dive.

ComradeTortoise −  NTA. B**lying is normal. It isn’t good, and it needs to be corrected, but it is normal. Your son is NOT normal. Your son was expelled from a private school at the age of nine. It takes a lot for that to happen. He’s also a r**ist h**ophobic misogynist. At 9. He’s getting that somewhere.

This is beyond “grounding”, this needs more active intervention. You need to figure out where he’s getting the bigotry, and cut it off at the stem, and the bigotry actively corrected. Your parents are just enabling him, and needed to be snapped at.

resting_bees −  NTA. how long has your son been seeing this therapist’s? what type of therapist are they and do they specialize in kids with problems such as these? it sounds like your son needs a child psychologist, maybe one who specializes in conduct disorders?

some other comments suggest personality disorders. a majority of psychologists would not diagnose a child with a personality disorder, especially not without witnessing a history or pattern of behavior. it is difficult, and to be completely honest controversial, to diagnose children with personality disorders.

it’s possible that many psychologists won’t even entertain the idea of a personality disorder until he is in his teen years. i’ve read some research on personality disorders in children, please reach out if you are interested in looking into that and i will do my best to steer you in the right direction!!

i’m not saying that i think your son could have a personality disorder, it doesn’t even necessarily have to be a specific disorder. you’re doing the right things by getting him therapy(i think he might need a psychologist rather than therapist,

not sure what he currently sees though!) and by giving him consequences. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE limit the chats on the games he’s playing because it is very likely he is getting some of this from there!!

Was the user’s reaction to their parents justified given the circumstances, or should they apologize to maintain family harmony? How would you handle a difficult situation like this, balancing discipline and differing opinions? Share your thoughts below!