AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?

A Reddit user, a single father to three girls, describes a heated argument with his ex-wife that took place over a video call. The issue arose after he helped his oldest daughter with her first period when she couldn’t reach her mom. While he made it a positive experience for all three daughters, his ex-wife later accused him of being “sick” and overstepping boundaries.

Frustrated, he confronted her about her lack of involvement in their daughters’ lives, but the argument escalated, with both raising painful issues. Unfortunately, his younger daughters overheard, leaving them distressed. Now he’s torn over whether he went too far by shouting in front of them.

‘ AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?’

I (37M) have three girls; 8, 10, and 12. Their mother walked out on us for another man when our youngest was around 4. My ex still stays in contact, though, and pays child support. A few weeks ago while doing laundry, I saw red spots on my oldest’s underwear. I asked her if she knew about it, and she cried and told me she tried to call her mom, but my ex didn’t call back. She’d been stuffing toilet paper in her underwear, hoping that would work.

I explained to her that periods are nothing to be ashamed of, and found some great resources online for us to review together. I took her to the store to pick out brands of feminine products she wanted to use (she picked Playtex Sport because she’s a gymnast). After we were done, I decided I should do the same thing with my other two.

My 12yo volunteered to be part of preparing them, and we made a whole night of it; it was wonderful, and I learned a lot. I even learned what a menstrual cup is, and how they benefit the environment. The other day, my ex called back. I’ll usually arrange a video chat and leave the room so they can have some alone time, and when they’re done chatting, I’ll come back in to talk boring co-parenting stuff like school, bills, etc.

This last time, my ex was FURIOUS with me for talking about periods with the girls. She shouted at me that I was sick and perverted, why didn’t I call her myself if I knew it was so urgent, I could’ve called one of their grandmas/aunts, but my mom has dementia, while her mom and sisters call me a l**er because I teach kindergarten, so I’m not fond of them.

My ex told me I was being immature and should have just toughed it out for the girls. This really pissed me off, so I shouted back that maybe if she wasn’t such a deadbeat and answered her goddamned phone once in a while, she could have handled this.

I brought up everything she does that hurts them; she hasn’t been to a single soccer game, piano recital, or gymnastics meet in two years, every other weekend when they come home from her house, they go straight to their rooms, only to emerge hours later asking me why she loves her new husband more than them, and what did they do to make her leave.

My ex responded by saying I should tell them it’s not their fault I couldn’t satisfy her, and I screamed “f**k you”, and she just smirked and pointed behind me, saying “Look what you did”. When I turned around, my 8yo and 10yo were standing in the doorway crying. It broke my heart; I never shout, so I know I scared them.

My 12yo stormed in and started screaming at her mom, and while I appreciate her sticking up for me, this is not a battle I want her fighting. My ex hung up before I could fully deescalate the situation, and let’s just say the girls have been given free reign of the ice cream and limitless hours of video games, because I feel so bad. I even watched all the Twilight movies with them, so don’t say I don’t love them. But in this instance, AITA for shouting?

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  NTA. ***Have you considered they were crying because of how you were treated rather than the fact you lost your temper?
*** It’s easy to assume the worst. Children are more observant than we give them credit for.

That your daughter defended you right away pretty much makes it impossible to consider you an a**hole. Looking at it from a pure logic standpoint, isn’t it better they learn not to expect anything from their mom early in life?
Certainly, you shouldn’t have lost your temper in front of children, but no one is perfect, especially when someone is calling you perverted for being a great single dad.

You also had no idea they were there listening so closely. Honestly you are way too hard on yourself to even think you needed to post here.. Keep on being a great dad xD.

[Reddit User] −  Nta. I’m disturbed that your exwife thinks it’s not your place to talk about menstruation with your own kids. So I’m glad you broke that toxic thoughtproces with your own kids. Good luck. Your exwife sounds like the devil that wanted to push your buttons to let your kids see you get heated sometimes. She’s toxic and I’m glad your kids have a chance at life with a good parent.

chubalubs −  NTA. Ok, you should maybe have stopped the conversation when you found it getting out of hand, but she knew exactly what she was doing-she saw the kids behind you and didn’t warn you, deliberately, so she is equally responsible for exposing them to the shouting. She sounds like a terrible mother and you sound like a great dad.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a dad talking to daughters about their body, as long as they are comfortable with the conversation. My dear old dad had 3 daughters only a year apart, and we all ended up syncing our periods-he knew exactly what each of us preferred and every month would leave a big bag of sanitary products and chocolate bars in our rooms.

mindxvermatter −  NTA. Your reason for frustration is valid. She didn’t show up as a parent and then got mad when you chose not to follow suit. I think it’s amazing you were there for your oldest, something I’m sure she will appreciate until literally forever.

Shouting isn’t cool but I understand why you lost your cool. You were being empathetic and caring for your child and you’re awarded by being called a p**vert. That wouldn’t cut it for me either. In a less public setting, without the girls, I’m sure your ex definitely deserved to hear more. However I’m sure your girls know the truth of what’s going on and I know they know that you care for them.

MagicMauiWowee −  NTA. You didn’t realize the argument was in front of your children and you have every right to your feelings. What a s**tty situation. That said, your anger at your ex and her ways of poking at hurt feelings are not going to be productive at all. Your kids need to know that mom is problematic in a way that isn’t blaming, and focuses on their issues with her (the n**lect, a**ndonment etc), not yours (adult relationship issues).

It’s time for a talk about expectation on how mom can show up for their relationship with her, and in what ways not to expect things from her she will never give (emotional support, consistent physical presence, etc). It’s also time for you to get therapy and anger management support for your feelings about this traumatic split in your relationship. You obviously have a lot on your shoulders, and anyone in your position would need help managing your feelings and stressors. It’s a lot to deal with.

You love your kids and you did the right thing about the periods. Your ex is an a**hole and is behaving very immaturely. It’s inexcusable that she’s using your child’s very sensitive state of puberty to punish you for what she perceives as you being not enough for her. How awful!

crazyducklady2709 −  NTA. Breaking the stigma around periods is great. Your girls will know they can trust you with anything! Your Ex is 1000% an a**hole, she was egging on that argument knowing full well your girls were there.
Also, just a tip from a girl that had a single dad shortly after her periods started, I’d suggest getting black underwear for the girls, cheap white sheets (so they can be bleached) and waterproof mattress protectors for their beds for if they have leaks.

I leaked a lot the first 18 months – 2 years and my dad had to help me clean up a lot. Did it without complaint every single time! Adding on to another person mentioning what their father did for his daughters, keeping hot water bottles and pain meds on standby with the chocolate is a great idea especially if your daughters have the misfortune of suffering period pain.

MyRockySpine −  NTA. Your ex sucks. You are a good dad! You taught you girls about periods. That’s so important. Sadly, for one of your daughters the conversation happened a little too late but where the hell does your ex get off saying damn word to you if she never took the initiative to teach a pubescent girl herself? And to call you a p**vert!? Oh man, I’m angry for you!

You are a father, you took on a parental role. She treated you like you did something wrong and it led to a fight. You lost your cool after she said a lot of s**tty things. It sucks that your daughters saw that but sometimes s**t just happens. Move forward and continue doing what you are doing.

fibchopkin −  NTA- Oh my heart is breaking for you! You, sir, are an amazing father and a wonderful man. Your ex is a sexist and I am so very happy that your girls have you to counter her u**y, toxic views and inability to parent. Menstruation is not some mysterious feminine voodoo secret that is somehow sullied by male understanding and involvement.

It is a simple biological process that occurs in rough half the population. You handled it perfectly with grace, humor and love. Hang in there Papa Bear, they’re little now, but one day they won’t be, and they will continue to need you so much as they come to terms with their mother’s sexism and extreme selfishness and ugliness.

Edit to add: Apologize to your girls. Tell them honestly that you lost your temper, you were wrong for shouting, and that you’re sorry. Its good for kiddos to know that moms and dads make mistakes too, and are willing to admit them and apologize for them. Doing so doesn’t make you an a**hole, it makes you human.

If they want to continue to discuss the incident to process it, remind them about a time they lost their tempers and shouted at you or a friend or each other and then talk about their feelings during those times, and how yours were similar, and then make a plan together for how you can all react better the next time anyone feels like they’re losing their temper. It will help soothe their worries to know that this is not a big scary unknown, but a specific problem that has a solution they can understand.

It’s frustrating to have to do that because no doubt you’re seething (I would be) and only sorry that they heard you, not that you yelled at their horrible mother. You’ll be glad you swallowed it though, when your anger subsides and when you’re looking back, years from now, on decades of honest, involved life with your babies while your ex is wondering why her girls never call and don’t care to involve her in their lives.

IntrepidNectarine8 −  NTA, YOU BRILLIANT, LOVING, EMPATHETIC FATHER. Firstly, if I were in your girls position, I would have loved to have a father that wasn’t freaked out by periods or ‘toughed’ them out. I’ve seen grown men get squeamish at their girlfriends’ periods, they’re awful. Good on you for making them feel good about this and helping them navigate it.

Secondly, good on you for calling out your ex. She seems toxic and unsupportive and totally ABSENT as a parent. Reminds me of my awful mother. By saying ‘look what you did’ she’s just trying to emotionally manipulate you into thinking her inadequacy is your fault. You didn’t make the kids cry, SHE made them cry by not being there or being a being a decent parent.

Definitely don’t be afraid to call her out on her toxic behavior. And please keep the same attitude you have with your girls! They’re happy to have you as a dad. The 12 year old even stuck up for you! 🙂 Trust me. You’re definitely the favorite.

TattieMafia −  NTA and loads of single dads have to have the period talk. You rock for getting through all the Twilight movies with them. I couldn’t even watch one.