AITA for sending the message and turning off notifications?
A Redditor shares a situation where she and her partner have been in a complicated relationship with his ex, especially around co-parenting their daughter. After a series of stressful events, including a lengthy message from the ex and more demands for immediate responses.
The Redditor decided to send a message explaining the delay and then turned off the group chat notifications to avoid further stress. She now wonders if her actions were inappropriate. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for sending the message and turning off notifications?’
My partner (42m) and I (43f) have been together for around 5 years. His ex-partner (41f) and her boyfriend (40m) have been together for approximately the same time. My partner and his ex do not get along, and their relationship has been marked by ongoing conflict, especially concerning their shared daughter (aged 10).
They’ve gone through court proceedings regarding access and the shared house, leaving a lot of history between them. Last Monday, the mother sent a lengthy message in a group chat we use to share news and updates about their child.
Given the length of the message (several pages) and timing (sent around 5pm), my partner and I didn’t read it until the evening after returning home late (after 7pm) from a long workday, dinner, and cleaning up, by which time it was around 9pm. By the time we were ready to settle down, we were exhausted and didn’t respond.
The following day, we again had an early start (leaving home at 6.30am) and a late return from seeing our stepdaughter’s Christmas show—about a 1.5-hour drive each way. When we got home after 9.30pm, the last thing we needed was to deal with more messages.
Despite this and having seen us at the concert (and so knew we would be returning home late), the mother sent a snotogram the following morning demanding an immediate response, calling my partner a terrible parent.
In an effort to de-escalate, I sent a message explaining that we hadn’t had a chance to properly digest and respond due to our work schedule and the event the previous evening. I assured her we’d respond as soon as we could.
However, this led to a barrage of texts from both the mother and her partner, which I chose not to engage with. Instead, I turned off the group chat notifications and continued with my day.
They took exception to this, and started sending n**ty and personal texts, which I picked up the following day. Now, I’m wondering if my actions were inappropriate. AITA for sending the message or for turning off the notifications to protect my peace?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
definitelynotjava − ESH. A simple acknowledgement that you read it and intended to get back to the mother was what you should have done way earlier. Them for the obvious reasons
Individual_Ad_9213 − NTA. Quite honestly, this is one time when you’d have been better off to allow your partner to deal with his ex. I’ve always found it better to not-get involved in those dynamics unless I am being directly addressed. It’s easier to limit one’s role to supporting one’s partner and not to engage with the ex.
Full_Pace7666 − INFO: What was she trying to tell you? Did it seem urgent?
1568314 − ESH You know the relationship is contentious and should have left well enough alone until your husband could address her. It’s not like you could have had no idea that telling her to chill out and that communication with her isn’t a priority while she was already upset would cause her to lose it.
It would have been less effort and avoided a million issue if your husband had sent a quick reply saying that he’s aware of the issue and would be open to discussing it at another time. You’re never going to be able to admonish her into being a pleasant or rational person.
All you are doing is causing more strife in the lives of all the adults your stepdaughter depends on. You and your husband should be more on top of keeping communication with her clear and concise for the sake of your kid.
No-Names-Left-Here − I sent a message. You are not the parent. YTA.
HumanShampoo − NTA, but a quick text telling them that the message had been read could have been put, but but but based on the reaction of the other 2, that probably wouldn’t have gone down well anyway, DEFINITELY NTA
No-Independence1255 − NTA. You communicated calmly and reasonably, explaining why there was a delay and promising to respond soon. Turning off notifications was a smart way to protect your peace and avoid fueling the conflict. You’re doing your best in a tough situation, and setting boundaries is completely fair.
gloryhokinetic − NTA but save those messages as they do wonders at court when revising visitation.
Do you think the Redditor’s decision to turn off the notifications and step away was reasonable given the situation, or should they have engaged more with the messages? How would you handle the stress of managing relationships between partners and exes while balancing family responsibilities? Share your thoughts below!