AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?

A Redditor shares a situation where her boyfriend of three years unexpectedly proposed to her at a family party. Caught off guard and not ready for marriage, she panicked and said yes in front of everyone to avoid embarrassing him.

After the party, she told him privately that she wasn’t ready to get married, which upset him even more. Now, the Redditor wonders if she should have rejected him in public or if her decision to spare him the humiliation in the moment was the right one. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?’

So my (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for about three years. Things have been good, but I’ve been clear that I’m not ready for marriage just yet. I’ve told him I need more time to feel comfortable with such a big step. Well, a few weeks ago, we went to a big party hosted by his family for his dad’s 60th.

I noticed that he was acting a little nervous but didn’t think much of it. Then, during the event, he got everyone’s attention, got down on one knee, and proposed to me in front of all his friends and family. I was completely caught off guard and panicked.

Now, I’ve heard stories about how rejecting someone in public can humiliate them, and I really didn’t want to do that to him, especially in front of everyone he cares about. So, I said yes in the moment. Everyone cheered, and he looked so happy. I felt horrible for misleading him, but I didn’t know what else to do.

After the party, on the car ride home I told him privately and explained that while I love him, I’m not ready to get married yet and that I only said yes to avoid embarrassing him in front of everyone. I thought being honest in private was the best thing to do.

He got really upset and said I’d humiliated him even more because now he has to go back and tell everyone that we’re not actually engaged. He said I should’ve just said no at the party if that’s how I felt. I feel terrible that I’ve hurt him and put him in this position, but I also feel like he put me on the spot in front of everyone without considering my feelings.

We’ve yet to tell his family or anyone and they keep calling and texting to give their congrats which is upsetting him even more and I’m seeing videos his friends posted online of him getting on one knee so it’s pretty public now. So, Reddit, AITA? Should I have just said no in public, or was I right to spare him the embarrassment in the moment?

Check out how the community responded:

Longjumping_Desk_839 −  NTA. He asked you publicly when you’d been clear that you’re not ready for marriage yet. You were nice by not embarrassing him. 

ed2nev −  NTA. This could have been written by me. If you see him as a future husband then I’d recommend just having a long engagement instead of ending the engagement. Usually ending an engagement means the whole relationship is over and him having to explain that you’re not engaged but still together will raise a lot of questions.

Not to mention, it will be black mark against you in the eyes of his family and friends. If, however, you don’t see yourself marrying him at all, then call it quits now. He wants marriage, if you don’t want it or don’t want it with him then you have different ideas of the future. If you’re not on board with ever marrying him then it’s just cruel to stay in a relationship with him.

I told my now husband a few days after the engagement that while I absolutely saw myself marrying him, I wasn’t ready yet and told him I wanted a long engagement. He understood and we were engaged for 9 years before we eventually got married. We’ve now been married for 7 years and have two kids.

atmasabr −  NTA. Not a close question. He should know before he does something like that. And honestly I think he was trying to manipulate you. It didn’t work.

Training-GuavaGrape −  NTA. The only time it is ok to do a public proposal is if you know that’s the kind of proposal your future spouse wants. He proposed to you in front of his family knowing you weren’t ready. That’s unfair and cruel.

Exciting-Truck6813 −  NTA. Also he hijacked his father’s birthday and made it about him (and you). Not cool.

buzzkillyall −  “I’ve been clear from the beginning that I’m not ready for marriage yet”. “I feel terrible that I’ve hurt him and put him in this position”. He put HIMSELF in this position. He either did not listen to your words, or does not care what you want. Neither makes for good husband (or boyfriend) material.

IcanzIIravor −  NTA because you made it clear previously that you aren’t ready for the next steps. Three years in and you still don’t know would be a red flag for me, if I am him though. I don’t forsee your relationship lasting much longer. He is clearly ready for marriage and you aren’t even in the same ball park.

_s1m0n_s3z −  NTA. You throw a public stunt proposal, you better damn well take whatever comes back in response. He put YOU on the spot. You didn’t humiliate him. He did that. If he has to go back and tell his family “she tried to save my face when I so stupidly put her on the spot for your amusement,

but she doesn’t want to marry me and never did”, that may teach him a valuable lesson about proposing marriage. It may stand him in good stead with the next girl. He may be mad at you now, and smarting that he now has to go back and tell his family what an i**ot he was, but you likely made the right call.

It would have been a lot worse if you’d turned him down on the spot. And ruined the party for everyone else; *your* night was already ruined. Now break up with him. Your relationship isn’t going to survive this. Besides, he’s a manipulator.

Ok_Routine9099 −  NTA. You told him know in advance. He tried to publicly pressure you into a yes. Thought he had “won the fight” and now is mad at you for trying your best to limit the damage he has done. He has treated you like you’re an accessory to his life. Is this the kind of approach to life you want?

If you say no to pets because you’re barely treading water and have him bring home a puppy that you’re 100% going to have to train and care for and clean up after…. Because you’ll break the kids hearts (if you have kids then) or (check notes) I did it for you or …. My favorite – my parents got it for us (loophole of conning parents into doing what he is not allowed to do to do)

Huntie2047 −  GOD no, NTA. There wasnt any good way out of that one. I think both options (yes or no) s**k, but what you chose sucks less.  Hes upset he didnt get the outcome he wanted and says this as a tantrum/cause hes upset, but if he thinks clearly, hell see thats the reality. The only way for him not to be humiliated in this is 

1) If you said yes truthfully (which wasnt gonna happen, he should have known, I wonder if he was lost in wishful thinking or thought that peer pressure would push you). 2) If he didnt do this in public. 3) If he did this only after both of you had discussed that marriage was something you both wanted

Im actually really proud of you and the flawless damage control you made in such a difficult and stressful moment- it could have gone sooooo much worse. I would have freaked out and yelled at him or sth, or run away xDD Ill save this page from you book in case I need it!! 

Do you think the Redditor should have said no in front of everyone to avoid misleading her boyfriend, or was it better to save him from embarrassment in the moment and address it privately later? How would you handle a proposal when you’re not ready for that big commitment? Share your thoughts below!