AITA for saying “obviously not” when my friend asked if I liked provider men??

A Reddit user shares a recent conversation that caused tension between them and their boyfriend, Joe. While out with friends, the topic of dating dynamics arose, and the user casually stated that they weren’t concerned about who paid for things in their relationship, implying an equitable arrangement.

However, Joe felt embarrassed by the comment, interpreting it as a jab at him for not being the primary financial provider. Now, the user is questioning whether their response was inappropriate. For the complete story, read below…

‘ AITA for saying “obviously not” when my friend asked if I liked provider men??’

Throwaway because I have friends on my main account. My boyfriend Joe and I have been together two years and we live together. I make more money than him, and we split bills proportionally. As for dates and trips, whoever plans it pays. It’s a very equitable relationship and we’re fine with it being that way.

The over the weekend, we were out with two other couples (friends of mine) and my one friend was saying her brother was buying his girlfriend a car, so the topic turned to modern dating dynamics. Eventually my one friend said something along the lines of “oh but you don’t really bother about a guy paying for stuff, do you?” And I said, “obviously not.

I’ve never been too worried about who is picking up the bill” and the conversation moved on. I didn’t think it was a problem. However, Joe is really annoyed about it. He says he feels embarrassed by the fact that I basically said it was “obvious” he doesn’t pay for things, and that my response was making fun of him.

I think he’s projecting but I don’t really want to say that in case I’m missing something. I’ve only mentioned this to my family who are obviously on my side so I’m just trying to get an unbiased perspective? Was that me putting my foot in my mouth?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

curien −  The “obviously” is doing a lot of work in your statement. It makes it not just about you, but it makes it about your partner. Imagine if Joe is quite a bit more attractive than you, and one of his friends said, “But you don’t think looks are that important in a relationship?” and with you right there responded “Obviously not”. The vast majority of people would take that as an insult.

In both of these situations, the “ideal” is that a partner shouldn’t care too much about those things (either hotness or wealth) and rather care about the personality and character of the person they are with. But despite the ideal, those are things that people get insecure about, and so it’s generally considered rude to highlight how your partner is lacking in those departments.

YTA, not so much for the original comment (inadvertent subtle insensitivity at worst), but for your response to hearing how you hurt Joe’s feelings. It doesn’t matter whether your family or Reddit thinks it *should* have hurt his feelings. He’s telling you that it did. Listen to him, try to understand him, and figure out a way forward together that works for both of you.

Signal_Wall_8445 −  Soft YTA for the “obviously not”, because that is inviting the listener to look at your current situation and evaluate your boyfriend on that criteria. The second part of your comment was perfectly fine, as it expressed your personal feeling without bringing anyone else into it.

Venetrix2 −  YTA here – this was careless wording on your part. Your use of “obviously” made your statement come off as a passive-aggressive dig at your partner. A simple “no” would have been much better here.

Now it’s entirely possible your partner is dealing with some feelings of emasculation due to not being the provider in your relationship – societal norms dictate that’s where his value as a man comes from, and he’s not fulfilling that role in your dynamic. Even if you’ve both happy with this arrangement, there’s a lot of messaging out there for him to contend with. That’s ultimately his issue to deal with, but your comment very much fed into this idea.

mattattack007 −  YTA. It was a minor YTA for the “obviously” part which could have been easily overlooked. You get major YTA for then hearing him say it hurt his feelings and then immediately dismissing it and just say that he’s projecting. Maybe he is, more likely there’s a multitude of factors to why he feels that way. Do you need to logically rationalize someone’s emotions before you can respect them?

teddy_world −  I see your use of “obviously” not as “obviously I’m not, as i’m with Boyfriend” and more like “obviously I’m not, based on how we both know i act in relationships”.

But i def see how he felt a typa way about it bc it sounds unintentionally shady. I think you should acknowledge his feelings and explain why you might have worded it like that to him. NTA/NAH

Kathrynlena −  I’m in the minority and I’m going to get downvoted for this but I think you’re NTA. If your partner makes less money than you, and you’re both happy and comfortable with your financial arrangement, they don’t then get to have hurt feelings when reality is acknowledged.

I personally don’t think anyone should have an ego about money. Many people/professions that provide real value to the world (teachers, nurses, full-time parents, etc) aren’t paid s**t, and some of the worst people in the world, who contribute nothing but pollution and exploitation, are the wealthiest. If you make a lot of money, you are *lucky.*

(You may also be a hard worker, but there are a lot of hard workers who make very little money. Hard work does not in any way guarantee a big bank account.) Being lucky or unlucky is not something to take pride OR shame in. Your partner’s insecurity about his income is a sign of immaturity.

CatECoyote −  NTA You’re obviously equals. I don’t understand why a man should be embarrassed about having an equal partner that can equally provide and is not dependent on him.

siriuslyyellow −  I think NTA, and I don’t understand all the Y T A votes. Anyone who knows how their relationship works, including themselves, know OP and her partner split costs. So, yes, it IS obvious that they split costs and OP doesn’t care who pays. If OP’s boyfriend cares so much about being the provider, then he should put his money where his mouth is, and go ahead and start paying for things. 🤷‍♀️👍

SaveFileCorrupt −  I don’t see a clear explanation as to why you included “obviously” in your reply, so unless you regularly speak with inappropriately superfluous verbiage, YTA.

Possible-Tutor-1074 −  NTA. He feels embarrassed not because you said anything wrong or untrue, but because it dinged his male ego. You never said he never pays for things. You said you don’t care that he doesn’t *always* pay for everything. And gosh, you would think he’d be appreciative to have such an awesome gf, but no!

It makes no sense and reveals an underlying hypocrisy, but a lot of guys are perfectly fine going Dutch, having the woman pay, not being the breadwinner, etc. in private, but if their girl starts talking about it publicly, she’s suddenly *emasculating* them. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

If he wants it to be less “obvious,” that he isn’t the breadwinner, then he can get a better job or get a poorer girlfriend. But what would be better is if he could just learn to appreciate YOU more and not feel slighted that you earn more (and contribute more) financially to your shared life than he does. There are other ways to meaningfully contribute to a household.

Do you think the user’s comment was taken too far, or was Joe overreacting? How do you handle conversations about money and relationships in your own life? Share your thoughts below!